Treated differently- insecure

[Sasty84]

Cowardly name changed as know how this is going to come accross. Married to dh 7 years, second marriage for us both. I adore him and appreciate how lucky I am to have met him.

Whenever we have talked about our previous marriages, he would tell me how much he loved to spoil ex in every way possible with extravagant jewellery at every opportunity. Before you laugh in disgust, I DON'T give a monkeys about diamonds or jewellery, because my last marriage was abusive and horrendous and I just appreciate being married to the kindest most lovely person I've ever come across. He's my diamond! Here's the BUT though.. I can't help feeling insecure and that he loved and valued his first wife more because of this? Am I being stupid?

MarkRuffalo he always surprises me with things, be it my fave biscuits, flowers or something for the kitchen. Had I not known about what he was like with his ex I wouldn't be festering. Seriouslyffs for what he spent on my Xmas present he could have definitely bought a little trinket!

Isetan although she loves jewellery I do t get the impression she was grabby in any way, and he was like this to her well before they had any relationship problems.

Dh and I happened to find an old photo of me and an old ex, and he commented on rhe sexy outfit I was wearing.. and how I don't bother for him!! That's EXACTLY how I feel about this issue- wish I'd have said something then but will try and find another time.

He once asked me who I was going to leave my engagement ring to (we each have a dd) so I'm wondering if that's something to do with it.

Ooh that sounds awkward! So he was happy buying things for ex as they would stay 'in the family' but if you would pass it onto your dd instead of his it doesn't feel like an investment? Hmm. This could be a trickier convo to have!

Surely his DD will get her mums jewellery (sounds like her mum has plenty to hand down to her).

Your daughter gets yours and you might both have DC together who'd get a share too surely?

MarkRuffalo I'm hoping that's not at all the reason- I know he loves my dd, so it would make me sad- I'd also find it quite controlling.

Fuzzy we're thankfully too old for more kids! Yes dd would get her mum's- although if my relationship with dsd improves (hopefully- a work in progress!), I'd be very happy to leave her something of mine, although to be honest it's the first time I've thought of any of this!

I will try and talk to dh at the right time- thanks all x

Hmm... Maybe it's a little bit more complicated than it originally appeared

Few people would leave DSD an engagement ring when they have a DD

I'm questioning whether jewellery is 'given' by DH masquerading as a gift, but in fact it's still his in some way? Squirrelling away jewellery instead of keeping cash in the bank?

I am a very cynical person btw!

The pieces he bought ex w were high in value. Doesn't make sense though as we have discussed wills and he says he wants to treat the children equally, which is extremely generous of him. I'm also cynical though, and even the thought of him being worried jewellery wouldn't be fairly split is just another reason that if he did buy me anything, I'd tell him thanks but no thanks!

There's a book called, " the five languages of love" and basicly it explains that different people understand they are recieving love in different ways. And also demonstrate love in different ways.
Gift giving is one of them,
As are: positive words, touch , time and.....something else..cant remember,
Anyway her language was clearly gifts... Yours isn't..
But what's your DP's ? It may be that the whole
" If you give me gifts that shows you love me " thing, that then didn't work.. has set up a circular dissonance in his thinking that he doesn't know how to deal with.
If this is the case, then you suddenly asking for gifts, when it's not your usual method of giving out recieving affection is going to be even more confusing.

Partner used to be the same with his ex. He never mentioned it but a family member of mine knew a family member of hers. It all blew up when I realised that whilst partner is generous to me he wasn't as much as he was with his ex and I misconstrued that as he didn't love me as much. In actuality, partner being a people pleaser wanted to keep his wife happy and knew that's what she liked ,gifts being bought for her whereas with me he keeps me happy other ways as I'm not interested in his money (I have my own ). So for instance will do DIY jobs around the house for me as I love doing the house up (be never did for his ex and she wasn't interested ) or will cook me a nice meal. When you compare it with what he did with his ex it does seem less extravagant but it's what makes me happy and at the end of the day that's all he wants (and vice versa ). Partner loves me because he can see I love him regardless of money.

BertieBeats, thanks for the really helpful post. Dh, like yours, is a people pleaser. He also definitely knows I'm not with him for his money as when I met and married him, he had none (yup, ex took care of that). Interesting that you reacted at first like me- I guess I feel he valued her more and that's hurtful. Funny thing is, mine is stupidly extravagant in other ways (rubbish with diy) for eg bought me madly expensive car as surprise before I could say no.

665 my dh knows my language of love is (unfairly I accept) loving my kids (who are not his) So he does his best as he knows that makes me happy. I have not suddenly asked for gifts though, nor would I ever. Thanks all for your really good insights.