Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Treated differently- insecure

59 replies

Sasty84 · 18/02/2016 18:21

Cowardly name changed as know how this is going to come accross. Married to dh 7 years, second marriage for us both. I adore him and appreciate how lucky I am to have met him.

Whenever we have talked about our previous marriages, he would tell me how much he loved to spoil ex in every way possible with extravagant jewellery at every opportunity. Before you laugh in disgust, I DON'T give a monkeys about diamonds or jewellery, because my last marriage was abusive and horrendous and I just appreciate being married to the kindest most lovely person I've ever come across. He's my diamond! Here's the BUT though.. I can't help feeling insecure and that he loved and valued his first wife more because of this? Am I being stupid?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sasty84 · 18/02/2016 19:09

Claraoswald36 yes you might be right, he feels foolish in that he tried too hard with her. Yes we do cherish eachother and he does spoil me, just not in this way like he did her. And certainly take your point about your vile ex buying you things. Mine was vile too but without the shiny thingsGrin

OP posts:
Thymeout · 18/02/2016 19:10

I think he's grown up.

He found out the hard way that you can't buy love.

You've been together for 7 years and are very happy, except for this one small niggle. What you have together sounds much more REAL. I think he's much happier with you. Don't spoil it by looking back and making comparisons of 'worth' as expressed by ostentatious gifts.

Original poster
Sasty84 · 18/02/2016 19:12

Thymeout, thank you. Guess that's what I wanted/needed to hear.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 18/02/2016 19:16

I get what you're saying. I also don't think he said it to boast or make you feel insecure - he was just saying 'I did everything for her and she still had an affair! - all while he was going through his divorce.

In retrospect it was a bit tackless but not intentionally tackless imo. It's on a par with you saying about your ex 'I used to give him back rubs/massages all the time, lay out all his clothes for golf and he still had an affair!' [Excuse blatantly sexist example but buying his wife expensive jewellery sounds like they lived on the Riviera in the 60s - it all sounds a bit unreal] - he'd probably be wondering why you don't do the same for him - and feeling silly about feeling it.

Perhaps he was desperately trying to hang on to her and went overboard - which he doesn't have to do with you bcs he feels safe.

goddessofsmallthings · 18/02/2016 19:18

I doubt that he valued her more than he does you, Sasty, and it seems probable that insecurity drove him to lavish gifts on her. This may be because he thought she was a cut above him, or he sensed that he was dispensable and he didn't want to lose her. If it's the latter his fears came true, as they so often do.

If I were you I'd chalk it up to his former immaturity and be thankful that he's grown up sufficiently to enjoy a mutually rewarding marriage with you where gifts are carefully considered and chosen and given with, and from, love, rather than made as flash gestures which the giver hopes will buy the recipient's affections.

The HW catalogue suggestion was flippancy on my part but, nevertheless, I'm a firm believer in every gal having a stash of diamonds to keep her warm when men grow cold and filling your safe jewellery box should take care of what you want for your birthday and Christmas gifts for years to come. Grin

Move2WY · 18/02/2016 19:21

He obviously felt he had to do that to keep her happy no it clearly wasn't enough. I wouldn't say he loves her more. I would say he most likely values your relationship more because he doesn't have to spoil you to keep you happy x

Original poster
Sasty84 · 18/02/2016 19:25

Springy yes, dh just doesn't have a bad bone in him- was never said to make me feel bad, we weren't even married when he told me. Definitely said in the context of showing me he tried so hard.

He did try and hang onto her (and kids), but behaved like this even before trouble was brewing. Having said that, she exited the marriage with diamonds coming out of every orifice, and went for the local rooferGrin

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 18/02/2016 19:26

Agree with PPs that there were no good reasons at all for him to emphasise to you how he spent lots of money on / "spoiled" his ex.

Does he see a lot of his DC with his ex?

Original poster
Sasty84 · 18/02/2016 19:29

Thanks for not flaming me. No, he doesn't need to spoil me to keep me happy- I literally look forward to him coming home every night

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 18/02/2016 19:30

I can't let springy's mention of the Riviera go by without mention of this couple who were forerunners of the Ecclestones', Greens' and Abramovichs', to name but a few, worlds of grotesque excess Smile
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2752932/Naughty-Norah-queen-excess-As-oh-vulgar-Daimler-auctioned-lady-Docker-working-class-girl-genius-nabbing-minks-millionaires-scandalised-Britain.html

AnyFucker · 18/02/2016 19:32

urban dictionary definition of gobshite

he told you this before you were even married ? Why ? I would consider someone who mouthed off about their previous relationships like this as some kind of loose-lipped pillock

AnyFucker · 18/02/2016 19:34

Honestly, I know next to zero about my H's previous relationships

I have no idea how many women he slept with before me. He had one long term relationship I know of but no details.

It's not my business

Original poster
Sasty84 · 18/02/2016 19:42

He told me as he was trying to work out why all of a sudden he was being dictated to as to how often he was 'allowed' to have contact with his children. I think he was just trying to make sense of what had happened and how it happened.

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 18/02/2016 19:43

I'm going to go against the grain a bit and say you should mention it to him. Tell him that what his friend said has brought up these feelings of envy and that you feel like his relationship with her must be more special because of being the mother of his DCs etc.

I would reiterate that the jewellery is not the issue here, but what it represents. although it might prompt him to buy you something pretty anyway!

I'm sure, as he sounds like a very caring man, that he will reassure you and realise that bringing up tales of his perfect ex marriage isn't helpful.

Fwiw, my dp can go the other way sometimes, telling me how awful his ex was and what a terrible partner he was to her, how selfish he was etc. I know he's trying to point out that I'm getting the 'better' version of him, but actually I think it can't have been that bad all the time, I'm sure they had happy times too. Hearing about what a useless partner he was and how awful his ex was still makes me feel bad as, like AF, I just don't want to hear or think about them together! It's in the past.

wonderpants · 18/02/2016 19:46

I get it!
My DH financially supported his XW (no kids), yet when I wanted to take some time off work to be a sahm for our DC, he said he had paid for one wife and wasn't going to pay for another.
It still stings, 12 years later!

Original poster
Sasty84 · 18/02/2016 19:49

Thanks MarkRuffalo, if I mentioned how I felt and then he bought me anything, i wouldn't want to accept it! I can well understand you not wanting to hear of your dp's previous shortcomings. I'm not sore which situation's worseGrin

OP posts:
Original poster
Sasty84 · 18/02/2016 19:50

Sure not sore!

OP posts:
springydaffs · 18/02/2016 20:00

Oh I could so be a Nora. Nothing more thrilling than vulgarity

^^besides the point, sorry

gatewalker · 18/02/2016 20:32

Well, goodness!

The way that Sasty's DH's actions have been warped by some of the comments and judgements here beggars belief.

Sasty, from your words, I can see quite clearly a situation where your DH would have been explaining his past behaviour in terms of regret, i.e. that he had been throwing money around, and it got him nothing.

And maybe his current behaviour is actually a sign that he's done some growing up: his actions are more sober; he is not out to buy your love in the way he did with his ex.

That you look forward to his coming back in the evenings; that he spoils you in many other ways - if those are true, then he sounds like he has matured and is a far more attentive partner in ways that matter.

Which means that if you feel insecure, you can speak to him about how you're feeling, and there shouldn't be any problem whatsoever.

And I bet there won't be.

Original poster
Sasty84 · 18/02/2016 20:56

Thanks gatewalker. If his current behaviour is a sign he's grown up then I'd be quite satisfied with that by way of explanation. Dh spends relatively large sums on birthday/Christmas presents, holidays and stuff for house, so it's not that he begrudges the money. And for that reason, I don't think I could bring this up with him without sounding childish at best. I'll just try to put it to the back of my mind.

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 19/02/2016 22:36

I think that if you try and put it to the back of your mind it will fester. I know it won't be an easy conversation and you'd need to be diplomatic, but the fact that you're not actually asking him to BUY you something, you just want to talk about what the gifts represented and how that makes you feel is a legitimate topic for a talk.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 19/02/2016 22:38

Especially if you ca suggest alternatives, I.e. If he used to buy her expensive jewellery if he went away on business, could he bring you the pen from the hotel (my DP always nicks the pen!) as a souvenir, or something to show that he has thought of you, rather than a big gift. Emphasise the bit that smarts is that feeling of being cherished and in his thoughts.

Isetan · 20/02/2016 07:39

Has it ever occurred to you that the jewels weren't given because he loved or valued her more but rather, he felt the need to throw money at her to keep her interested. It was a sign of desperation and immaturity, not admiration.

Why are you so reluctant to talk to this supposed fantastic man? If he's as great as you say he is, he'll listen and reassure you. You are partly responsible for your relationship dynamic and if you want a relationship where you can be open and honest, you have to be open and honest.

I don't think you're as confident in your relationship as you make out and it may have nothing to do with him and everything to do with your last relationship. How much work did you do on yourself after your abusive relationship ended?

Seriouslyffs · 20/02/2016 07:50

What did he buy you for Christmas?

mix56 · 20/02/2016 08:29

My H would say I lack for nothing..........People would say I would be mad to leave him.
I diverse.