Can't get the truth, please help

[TalesFromTheCity]

Hi all. Could do with your thoughts on this situation...Snooped on DP's phone ( yes, I'm a bastard for doing so) and found email from a woman I did not know, was very 'friendly' in tone, enough to make me feel suspicious. Without referencing this email, I asked if he knew her ( made up some convoluted story- don't want to say too much in case I out myself), he said no emphatically. Next time I checked, email was gone. Yes I'm an idiot as should have at least copied it. DP does not know I saw this email and I'm almost doubting myself, but I did see it. So, why would he strongly deny knowing this woman when he clearly does? Only nefarious reasons spring to mind. And what do I do next? If I say I saw email that admits my snooping, but I know he'd deny it anyway.
Please help

Also check the Unsent folder to see if he typed something but forgot to send. Outgoing folder to see what he sent so far. You could also check google search and Google maps

I have done my research on her, although it's not her I'm pissed off with. Don't feel like I can very well contact her for the truth without sounding like some crazy psycho. What do I say to her? Are you shagging DP? And why would she tell me the truth? She owes nothing to me, he made the commitment.

Will do more rigorous check of sent and draft folders when possible, but it does appear as though he has suddenly developed IT skills when he was previously useless. Seems to be covering his tracks well.

If you can, get into his email again and start a new e-mail.
If you can remember what her e-mail address is (or started with) it should auto fill in there or will suggest her e-mail as the one you want to send it to. If this does happen I think it is proof he has e-mailed her at least once before. If it doesn't pop up, maybe she sent the e-mailto the wrong address?

The irony being, if he said 'oh yes, I know xxxx, through work/sports/ whatever' I would have not given it a second thought.

Whisky- that's an excellent idea. Will try that when possible. Definitely was not wrong email. Don't want to drip feed but there was a string of them. Couldn't read it all as I could hear him coming and didn't want to be seen to snoop. Next I looked, it was gone. Should have just been upfront and not given a fuck about being thought a snoop.

Ah ok, there were a few. Well, I would say then it's probably not even worth doing my suggestion, you know he has e-mailed.

If I were you i'd just admit to looking because you felt something had changed and ask why he lied and why did he delete his e-mails from her.

When I snooped in my ex's wallet ( no reason it was just lying there and I picked it up to see how much money he had) I found a durex. This was 18 months after my hysterectomy! He claimed it was from when we used them together. We kept them in the wardrobe, not his wallet. Liar.
Back to you, Tales. If he is lieing then he's covering up something he doesn't want you to know. Hmmm. If he hasn't done it, he's planning to.
What will you do now?

What will I do? My friend ( who is lovely, but scared when crossed) has suggested telling DP I'm going to meet OW and judge his reaction, but I don't really want to play games. I know, he just doesn't know I know yet. And I think I'll hold onto that info for the moment. Not sure whether to just say ' DP I know you're lying, jog on' or wait a while. Although I'm not sure what I'm waiting for, proof? I probably won't get it will I ?
Oh and Rubber- that's awful. Do they really think we are stupid? 💐 For you

How long have you been together?
If it has only gone as far as e-mails - what would you do?
What is your line?

Some people may advise you to wait it out and gather proof.
I wouldn't be able to do that, I can't keep my emotions hidden. Do what you feel is best. If it was me I would ask my partner to be honest. Discuss what you know so far, but what you do know is that he lied about knowing her. Why?

Been together nearly 15 years, so am finding this hard. Vacillating between tears and anger at the moment. I don't know if I can keep it together to get proof, I find it hard to hide my emotions too. I just need to know so will have to confront. Not sure how to go about it so will just be honest and say I know etc. Hate being in this position.

I've been in a similar situation before and if I could turn back time I would not say a word until you have enough evidence. I have heard some of the most ridiculous 'explanations' it's a joke how far some people will go to cover their tracks. Questions are fine but I wouldn't flat out ask him, especially now he's already lied. Do you know how he might know this woman?

I have no idea how they met. Definitely not at work, they work in very different industries. It's a complete mystery to me, but I need to find the answers as I can't live like this. I can't settle, can't eat. It's like my body is telling me the truth but my brain hasn't caught up yet. Just so tired of it all.

Oh god, I'm so tempted to call her and ask her outright. This is a bad idea isn't it? It won't help?

Vacillating between tears and anger at the moment. that's a good thing. It'll prevent you from doing nothing - a situation which will eat away at your relationship anyway.

I'd say you need to keep a weather eye on things. But if you can't live with the situation you might need to just tell him what you know.

You could call her but you do risk sounding bonkers and it may achieve nothing. What, for instance, will you say if she denies anything??

Tales, remember that softly softly catchy monkey.
If you know he is telling lies is it worth waiting to gather the evidence to see exactly what is he lieing about? (For me it wasn't. For my friend it was)
Could it be a silly bit of banter or the shadow of a deeper intimacy?
It's shit though, whatever it is.

Can you put her e-mail add into fb search? I think you can find people that way. It might show you a mutual friend of the two or a hobby they both do?

Ok, no calling. I keep thinking 'what would AnyFucker do'?!. This just feels awful, I can't stop crying. Thank you all so much for advice and handholding, it makes me feel less alone

Whiskey, I did that, no mutual friends. Very odd. I even showed DP her profile and asked if he knew her, but once again he denied it. Little things keep coming to mind though, comments he'd made. Eg, when I was full on studying and clinical placement he said ' I could have had sn affair and you wouldn't have noticed'. When we were chatting about marriage rings he said 'well some women prefer a taken man, they like the secrecy'. It bothered me at the time but I just filed it. Now I'm not so sure. Kind of adds up.

She won't tell you the truth, you'll be wasting your time and your upper hand. Personally I'd just confront him ASAP 'I know about you and X, tell me everything or I'm leaving right now'. He'll give you some bullshit, leave (or make him leave) 'that's bullshit, we're over'. He might give you a little bit more truth, sometimes it trickles out over weeks or even months and each time it'll be 'and I swear that's everything', but you probably won't get it all. It'll be his sanitised version and he'll tell you as little as he thinks he'll get away with. But if it's over it's over - you don't have kids so why waste a moment more of your life on him? Is satisfying your curiosity worth wasting a few more months?

On the other hand, if you just need to know, you could put a VAR in his car and wait and see what you find out.

Just seen your last post - so you didn't check his phone for nothing. Subconsciously you've been noticing signs of something being up for a while.

I'd just ask. And yes, do as Ilike says. If he denies just start packing a bag or make him pack a bag. Although I think seeing you pack a bag would make him panic a bit and may open up. If he lets you go that also tells you what you need to know.

I think Anyfucker would leave. Not based on the e-mails you found just that there's no trust left anyway.

Are you able to put this aside until you have finished studying? Put it on a list of things to do and give your self space and time for the most important thing. Not easy I know but you sound very strong so may be able to?

My suggestion for what it's worth is that you just confront him with what you absolutely know but do not tell him how and allude to knowing more and see what you can dig up.

So sit him down calmly and say something like "I asked you a few days ago if you knew xxxxx. You lied and said you didn't but I know you do so I'm wondering why the lie?" He is likely to deny it but just reply with "but I know you do. You were so adamant so I've checked and I was right - you do know her so why the lie?" When he asks how you know, just reply with something like "you've already lied once, I'm not now going to tell you what I know so you can fashion another lie from it. I asked, you lied - I know it, you know it so we aren't debating that. I need to know why you lied?" And stick to that like glue - don't tell him about the email, no matter what. Be resolute and don't let it go ..... He's likely to try to deny it till the end of time but you KNOW he's lying so keep at it. Keep reiterating that the fact he knows her is a known fact and thus no longer in debate; be adamant that you know 100% he does know her so the question you want answered is why did he lie. Persistence is the key! It's unlikely he'll mentions he email, because he's sunk if he does but if he says "you snooped at my email" - fire straight back with "what email?" And demand to see it!
Good luck and I'm sorry - it's horrible to be lied to.

I can't shelve this. I'm confronting him today. Whatever happens I have my career now and that is very dear to me. I won't let his fuckwittery derail me after all this work.
And I'm not leaving, it's my house so he can go. I feel quite decided actually. There's no coming back from lies is there?