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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it normal to become immune to abuse

27 replies

elliebe13 · 17/02/2016 21:04

Just sat there while my husband told me I 'think I'm too good for everybody' and to 'stop fucking laughing as it pisses me off' and I realise how numb I have become. I feel sad that he spoils what could have been a lovely family for him. Days out are better when his oppressive presence is absent. When he gives me the silent treatment it doesn't even bother me anymore. Sometimes I fantasise about leaving but he's ruined my credit rating and I've got debt from my year as a SAHM. I don't want my son to think this is what relationships are like but I couldn't bear to share custody with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
elliebe13 · 17/02/2016 21:07

When he says I think I'm too good what he means is I think I am just as valuable as him. His behaviour can't hurt my self esteem anymore.

OP posts:
WilLiAmHerschel · 17/02/2016 21:09

I think it's a coping mechanism. Sad

Is there anyway you'd consider leaving? There are some really clever mumsnetters about who I'm sure would be happy to offer practical asvice. as well as emotional support.

Marchate · 17/02/2016 21:20

You must at least start planning to leave. Only you can decide if/when it is possible. Making the plan gets your life back in perspective

Try to get the book 'Why Does He Do That?' By Lundy Bancroft. To get an idea of how it could help type 'Abuser profiles' into the search box above. Once you read that thread you will realise you are not alone

To answer your question, I agree it's a coping mechanism. But think about 'coping' for the rest of your life.... Then think about how much better it would be to get your life back

He chose not to have a happy family life. It suits him to exert power and be in control. He is nasty and unlikely to change

Make plans, read, then decide what to do

Original poster
elliebe13 · 18/02/2016 08:32

Do you think it would be foolish to ask for a split but keep living together until the debt is paid off. I work part time self employed and need him for childcare. Can't afford to live on my own right now also we have a dog.

OP posts:
WilLiAmHerschel · 18/02/2016 08:45

How do you think he would react to that? Do you think he would respect a split? Do you have a house together? Is the debt entirely in your name?

Sorry for all the questions.

HandyWoman · 18/02/2016 08:50

You are not immune to abuse, you're just totally cut off from the resentment and hurt. But you are also cut off from the ability to make plans, share joyous moments with your h and dc, your confidence, creativity. You really need plans and legal advice to get away from this man. It will be hard because of how ground down you are. But feeling detached can give you the emotional space to start planning.

Is the house owned or rented? Look into what tax credits you'd get for working as a single parent. How much would you get in maintenance payments? It might all be more do-able than you think - it usually is. Do some research and see a solicitor.

Flowers
Original poster
elliebe13 · 18/02/2016 08:54

I don't think he would fight the split. We have three grand on mutual overdraft from when I wasn't working and 2700 on my credit card from my business start up costs (hypnobirthing franchise) and car repairs. All our friends think we are the perfect couple, my family know the truth. We got together when I was 19 and easy to control, at 25 and a mother and a business owner I cant even be bothered putting up with his shit.

OP posts:
Original poster
elliebe13 · 18/02/2016 08:55

We rent on a rolling monthly contract so easy to get out of.

OP posts:
Original poster
elliebe13 · 18/02/2016 08:56

He's currently not talking to me as I came down from an hour putting DS to bed and he was whinging he was hungry, when I pointed out he had had an hour in which to prepare something he lost his temper.

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HandyWoman · 18/02/2016 09:00

Are you married OP? It sounds like this could be very do-able - will your family support you? Do they live nearby and can you go stay there with ds?

Keeptrudging · 18/02/2016 09:07

You can't afford to not get out. Your child (and you) are more important than the dog (sorry, I do love dogs but am being honest). You will get help with childcare through tax credits. Can your family help get you set up somewhere else?

The debt is going to be there whether you leave or not. The cost to yourself of staying, as this man whittles away at your self-esteem, is far too high. You are becoming numb to the abuse. That's no way to live. I've seen this in small children I've worked with - they've become so used to having to hide their emotions in case they bring negative attention that they have become expressionless Sad. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your child, as they are also being affected by this.Flowers

Original poster
elliebe13 · 18/02/2016 09:20

I could live with my parents but I wouldn't be allowed to take the dog and cat. I don't know what he would do with them. He doesn't believe in rehoming dogs but if I wasn't there to do all the care who knows

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gamerchick · 18/02/2016 09:28

Thing is you might be numb to it but do you really want your child to be numb to it as well? I understand the feeling of apathy and can't be bothered with something that looks like too much hassle but when there's a child involved it's not acceptable. Is this the kind of normal you want for a young mind who is watching everything?

At least for the minute make a plan, enlist your families brains to find a way out and actively work at it. This half life for the rest of your life will grind you down.

Original poster
elliebe13 · 18/02/2016 09:32

Pretty much everybody in my family has had a less than great marriage (my great grandfather was seriously financially and physically abusive) and I don't know if they think it's serious enough to leave. My dad has Asperger's syndrome and is really cold and unloving, not his fault but I picked somebody just like that but cruel with it.

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Original poster
elliebe13 · 18/02/2016 09:34

All I know is that if my son treated his future partner like his father treats me I would die.

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gamerchick · 18/02/2016 09:35

Putting that to one side, if you asked them to help would they?

gamerchick · 18/02/2016 09:37

But your son is learning about relationships from his parents. You could change that.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/02/2016 09:45

If you stay, the cycle continues.
Your son WILL turn out just like your OH.
It's what will have learnt, just like you learnt from your parents.
It's that simple.
Get out now and show him that you don't treat women like that or stay and let him become the same as his dad.
Contact Womens Aid and see what your options are.
Take it from there.
If you can just leave and be with your mum then please do it.
Does your partner work at all?

Keeptrudging · 18/02/2016 09:46

Your son is also having a stressed, unhappy mum when he could have you as a happy, relaxed mum.

Original poster
elliebe13 · 18/02/2016 09:48

He works full time as a restaurant shift manager. He encouraged me to leave my part time position after maternity leave so he could go on holiday. They wouldn't give me the time off.

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Lightbulbon · 18/02/2016 09:53

You know you have to leave him at some point so why delay the inevitable?

The longer you stay the less 'good life' you'll have left.

Your debt really isn't that much.

At least your housing is easy to get out of.

Have you considered pet fostering?

Start taking practical steps to leaving.

Life's too short to stick around and put up with this.

The older your ds gets the harder it is too.

user1455786159 · 18/02/2016 10:23

This is my first post after being a lurker on mumsnet. I couldn't not reply to your message OP as I can totally relate to everything you are saying. I'm going through the same and fantasise about leaving my abusive relationship but I'm pregnant and its complicated financially. I too would die if my future son treated his partner like his father does me.
You deserve to be happy and shouldn't have to put up with what you are going through. I think you are very brave and need to get out as soon as you can. Know that it will be painful and will perhaps get a whole lots worse before it gets better but it will be so worth it. Surround yourself with supportive and understanding friends and family. You can do this, enough is enough. You can't change him or what's happened but you can begin the process to stop it from affecting you and your son anymore. Soon enough you'll be looking forward to and be excited about the future. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

Original poster
elliebe13 · 18/02/2016 11:44

Thanks user. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It's so hard to be downtrodden and yet feel so responsible at the same time :( thinking of you too. Finances make things so difficult, sometimes I think about the debt and it feels like I'm going to have a panic attack.

I can get help from family but I can't stand being beholden to anybody or needing favours, I was incredibly self sufficient after being fairly ignored as a child (sister and brother both ASD). I had to develop a rich inner life to cope with lack of attention. I am feeling stronger lately due to developments in my work life and the rewards and confidence. He just seems like a bitter, angry, hateful man. He encourages me to develop myself but can't stand to see me succeed.

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Friendlystories · 18/02/2016 12:08

Lots of good advice about the rest of your situation so I have nothing useful to add to that but with regard to your pets it's worth ringing round local rescues to see if they could help with short term foster til you get yourself sorted. I have some contacts in animal rescue and if you felt comfortable enough to PM me your general area I'd be happy to see if I can find anyone willing to take them. Do a Google search and ring round yourself if not, rescue space is limited but it's definitely worth a try, Dogs Trust offer foster for people suffering DV so they're worth a try if you have a centre close by Flowers

user1455786159 · 18/02/2016 12:43

I totally understand. On one hand it's easy to think it's just money - happiness and staying sane is more important but realistically the financial side makes it difficult to break away and start afresh, especially as you've worked so hard and been through so much to get to this point.

I feel hypocritical giving advice as I haven't got to your stage yet but I think you know that you need to leave its just a matter of when. It might be worth you working out how soon you can both get the debts paid off and know you'll leave him then. Splitting up but still living together would make it so much harder and his behaviour might get worse towards you. I'm not sure if it sounds callous to do it this way but it's both of your debt and I think you'll feel happier knowing that there is an end to the pain in sight.

Like me you might have got to the stage whereby you realise that you don't love him anymore and everything you are trying isn't working. Things will never change until he admits he's got a problem and deals with his issues, that's not up to you anymore. You have to do what's best for you and your son.

You sound like you are in a great place with work so stay focused, make that secret plan, knuckle down and save whatever you can and it will keep you sane until you can leave.

I find that books and CBT (through NHS after speaking to my doctor) is helping me through.

I have no idea if what I'm saying is the right thing for you but I do know that we can only tolerate so much before we crack. A life treading on eggshells is no life at all. You are switched on and strong and you will be ok. You so deserve to be happy. One day you'll be able to sit on a sofa laughing with someone out there who will treat you respectfully and lovingly, as you deserve.