struggling to cope on mat leave, DH very critical

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I admit I keep speaking angrily to baby in night and begging him to sleep and I know this is wrong, I'm just at the end of my tether. I can't cope on 3hours sleep a night. Baby wakes to feed every couple of hours, last night it was almost every hour as he's teething. He grizzles and cries all day. I'm mentally and physically shattered and just want DH to give me a hug and some empathy.

He says he is putting up with a lot, insists he hasn't complained about the state of the house, or lack of sex or lack of cooking (he has moaned!) he genuinely thinks I play on my phone all day doing nothing (!) He has no idea what's it's like trying to do anything. Baby cries after 5mins in bouncer or jumparoo. He cries unless he has almost constant interaction.

Baby goes to bed before DH gets home in evening then I go to bed a couple of hours later to try and sleep while I can. I'm too tired for sex or cleaning.

How do I make him realise how exhausting this is?

Oh you poor thing. Really. I divorced my DH for various reasons but looking back and reading some of these threads, I have to say he was very supportive. He would do night feeds (I did not BF), clean up vomit, he was very hands on.

I am not sure how realistic it is to suggest you go out and leave him to it, but I think it is a good idea. My Ex never criticised me about the state of the house but I worked like a bloody Trojan to keep it nice. :(

I really hope that you can get things to improve.

I hate to say it but really, you DH has not got a clue!

Not sure if I got this right, but are you planning to keep the cleaner secret??

If so, why?

OMG your DH is taking the piss big time!! I'm not going to list everything you've written about all the time he has to himself doing sweet FA but seriously, he expects you to look after him at home?!!! My blood is boiling for you you're on maternity leave fgs, which means you've taken time out to look after a small baby not a big fn baby!!! Stuff the housework, n stuff him!! He's having a laugh. Wouldn't go down well in our home. Luckily my DH is the total opposite! Look after yourself.

I think you need to tell him to stop giving you the benefit of his advice and "top tips". Tell him you'd much rather he SHOWED you how it's done. Believe me one day in your shoes and I bet he'd never open his big ungrateful wise ass trap ever again!

You need to leave him with the baby for a whole weekend, days and nights. Obviously you need to be nearby to express milk - d'you have family near? Go stay with them and leave him to it.

I've pm'ed you x

Seriously, why are you putting up with this shit?!

My two reflux babies nearly damn killed me and I think despite the meds they were still suffering.

Also the reflux meant they had awful sleep so were so grizzly and didn't like being down at all.

I started putting them on their tummies from 5 months or so which helps. I also co slept with my second and even though it was broken sleep it was much better than having to get up and try and resettle.

Re your dh I would tell him exactly how you feel and that he really is unsupportive. My dh was pretty good - he helped out in the night so knew just how broken I was.

Regardless of your baby, why should you be looking after him and pampering him? He's a fully grown adult!

Lots of sympathy for you.
Entirely breast-feeding a baby can consume so much more time than I ever thought possible, and it's tiring in itself. Are you eating and drinking enough?
DH should bringing you food and drinks while you are feeding, not expecting full service!
What I found made a difference to my DH's perception was to write down everything I did for a few days - he hadn't really taken on board until then that some days I was spending 12 or 13 hours feeding the baby. It shocked me as well, tbh.
Also co-sleeping really helped from a sleep point of view.
If your baby sleeps at all during the day, you can use that time to sleep yourself - don't feel guilty about it. If it takes you 12 hours to get 6 hours sleep, then so be it. Don't even think of housework until you've had more sleep - hopefully you will find a cleaner soon, and DH should step up.

Lots of cleaners can be contacted via messaging on Facebook (just search local cleaners, or ask on one of the local groups) my toddler is 16 months and I still can only do phone calls when she is asleep!

If your DS is five months, he might have a small jar of puree soon or a bit of baby porridge, he should be able to go hours between BF once has solids, will catch up in the night if missed in the daytime, so I do think unless your DH experiences for himself what it's like he won't understand....in a month's time you hopefully can go out for a good 6 hours. Go out straight after the baby's nap, havingbreast fed him, and leave DH to look after and say it would be nice to see a cooked meal when you are back.
Somebody already said, but does he take a dummy? Most babies do if you find the right shape and size for them, a lot of parents make a mistake of offering a dummy too big for a newborn's mouth and then give up.

I know exactly how you feel, OP - I had a terrible sleeper first time round and it tested us hugely. Being sleep deprived is literally torture so whatever you can do to make things better is worth it.

1. You definitely NEED a cleaner as it will make you and your (very silly) DH feel so much more in control of things. Don't feel guilty about it. I'd have a cleaner once a week until your baby is a little bit older and then see if the baby is sleeping longer so you're getting more rest and don't feel so exhausted. I should have done this. I regret not doing it. Is there a local Facebook group for Mums where you are? People are always recommending cleaners on mine and it's a good way to get a decent job done. You could also talk to other local mothers with older children to see if they have any leads on a mother's help who could come and spend some time with your baby so it's not just you. Not having any family help nearby is a killer: employ someone to do it if it helps. They will tidy up and cook meals for you and help with the baby. Again, I wish I had.

1. The thing that saved us both was DH taking over with settling DS to sleep after I'd fed him at night. I would be up for an hour or more (he was a slow feeder) and then sleep while DH soothed and burped DS. We were both tired but I wasn't psychotic and DH felt he was contributing something. It also made him much more respectful of how hard it was to get DS to sleep during the day - I used to dread nap times. DH got up very early for work and DS would be awake then so grabbing a shower was difficult. I definitely resented DH for being able to dress himself and go!

1. I didn't co-sleep with DS1 but I think it wouldn't have been safe because I was so exhausted. I did with DS2 and it was wonderfully easy. Get some rest and then give it a try.

1. When you are at home with DH at weekends, ask him to spend a day just looking after the baby (as you do usually). Just tell him you want him to understand what you do all day, as I think he is unsure and maybe even feels left out. I do think he's being a massive man baby though You can feed the baby but then hand it straight back to him and point out that whatever he's done in that time was impossible for you. Ideally make him sit beside you on the sofa so he has the true SAH experience! Make it lighthearted and not a punishment exercise but say you want him to understand why things aren't done and show him that even making a cup of tea can be a challenge. He may feel left out at the moment; he may be worried about myths that men believe about women going off sex etc and being lazy gossips on maternity leave. He definitely doesn't understand what you're doing so give him an insight and let's hope he gets it.

Don't worry if you don't feel able to nap during the day - I didn't. try to rest and watch some TV and EAT instead of rushing around trying to tidy up. It's awful to have a house that is in a state but it will pass. It all gets easier.

There was no harder time than this in our marriage, for what it's worth. It took us over a year to get over it. We then made a real effort to be nice to each other and appreciative of anything the other person did, and not to put each other down or criticise each other, and being nice to one another actually worked to remind us of the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives.

Definitely join local Facebook groups to search for cleaners. Especially if you're London based.

He should be pampering you, looking after you. You just grew an entire new human being ffs.

Also get chamommila 30 homeopathic remedy (small granules, not tablets or powders) Nelson's from Holland & Barrett or Boots own or from a health shop, 1 granule at a time, it's for teething and generally unhappy grizzly babies. If baby's whining and screaming makes you angry and desperate, they need chamomilla, if their crying is pityful, makes you feel really sorry for them, then they usually need Pulsatilla. Even if you don't believe in homeopathy, you've got only a fiver to lose and it might help massively.

The only one I wouldn't recommend buying was Weleda's, they had tiny sandy granules with a little spoon supplied, I was supposed to stick a whole spoonful inside the baby's mouth, which was messy and she spat most out...usually just Boots own Chamomilla 30(or 6) helped a lot.

So he gets in from work, does fuck all to help and them moans about the mess/lack of food and expects to be looked after and pampered - when you have a bf baby with reflux and severe sleep deprivation?! Wtaf is he thinking. I have no idea how to sort thins out as someone who can be like this just isn't reasonable. All I can advise is that this is not the normal behaviour of a loving partner.

wow. I have an 8 month old and if my DH had been like that at 4/5 months we wouldn't have spoken since. You really need to address this with him (although addressing anything on that little sleep does feel nearly impossible). If he can't get on board with helping out and not criticising you it is hard to see how you can even like him. I'm trying to think of small steps you could take but really I'm so angry at him on your behalf for being such a dick. I agree with the previous poster who suggested that at the bare minimum on the weekend you give him the baby for a couple of (baby awake) hours being very clear that this is so you can clean. He should be doing the cleaning tbh but it sounds like this would make you feel better at least.

" at the bare minimum on the weekend you give him the baby for a couple of (baby awake) hours being very clear that this is so you can clean."

I disagree. It sounds as though OP needs to sleep or get some time to herself in order to stay sane. He needs to pull his weight and man up.

Sorry yes, agree completely. You cannot function as a human being without sleep. You need to get a period of over 3 hours sleep in a row before doing anything else, and your DH needs to make that happen. A 4-5 month old can cope for 4 hours without a feed.

Don't get too wound up thinking everyone else's DH is more understanding than yours. Tbh, mine also critisized me a lot for being disorganised (that's when I had a traumatic birth and our DD1 didn't sleep through the night until she was 3 years old! And wouldn't accept anyone to calm her down in the night except me), and it's only leaving him in charge which helped a bit. But then some men seem to have a short term memory only, you need to refresh it regularly or criticism starts again.

When he was complaining about the mess when youngest DC was a little baby and I said I'd like to get a cleaner we nearly divorced, he hit the ceiling. "What I need to do is not a cleaner, but to organise older teenage DCs to do their chores instead of skiving", which was true, but I was exhausted and DS2 helped a lot with the baby, which was far more valuable to me. Unfortunately my DH is from a family who never even paid a window cleaner, for some reason they view it as some sort of crazy inappropriate luxury , and he is the same, he views it as some wild living beyond our means (not true at all) and it's impossible to discuss rationally, like I realised, so I let it go...but if I myself suffered from the mess a lot, I might have got a cleaner in secret, at least initially.

With window cleaners I just invited them without ever informing him

WTAF

He could be a time traveller from the 1950s, but I'm sure that even then not all men were critical cunts who expected their partners to be a nanny, sex slave, housekeeper and cleaner, without a single word of support or thanks.

Why are you putting up with it? Do you enjoy being a doormat doing all that?

I feel for you. It's hard enough having a baby that doesn't sleep well without an unsupportive dh to deal with as well.
Those suggesting you go out for the day...it's great in theory, and you certainly should have some time off, but I found with a breastfed baby it wasn't always easy to leave them. Both mine were fairly clingy milk monsters! Plus dh always tended to panic and instantly assumed they needed feeding every time they so much as gave a cry

BUT, what was helpful was that he'd get up with the baby ( and older child) and I had a lie in until he had to leave for work. It was nice to have that extra sleep, plus I slept so much better for those 2 hours than the rest of the night, just knowing I didn't have to listen out for the baby.
This all depends on what time your baby wakes for the day, and what time your dh has to leave for work. But it certainly would be doable at the weekends. And in a month or two once you wean, he can also give your DS breakfast. I got so fed up with cleaning food off the floor, it was a relief to have one meal done by dh - and one less for me to do.
Hope things get better for you soon

I have a two month old and the father of my baby had this same attitude. I was exclusively breastfeeding but introduced FF so I could hand the baby over on a Saturday morning and have some time to myself. The constant complaints about cleaning led me to go on strike so he could see that actually I was doing a good job and was maintaining a decent standard of cleanliness. I haven't washed any of his pants in weeks as he now does his own washing and often cooks the dinner. He doesn't complain at me anymore.

I had a c section which he didn't consider major surgery and has actually complained about his sore throat more that I ever mentioned the pain I was in - I carried on as normal straight away because he was too 'tired'. Did I mentioned he had a month of paternity leave which he used as a holiday? He slept until at least 10am and sometimes even lunchtime eveyday

The biggest problem is your DH. Can you talk to him? Or to someone who he will listen to?

You shouldn't have to keep a cleaner secret.

Has your DP used any significant annual leave since paternity leave? My DP was off pet Xmas and that was an eye opener for him when he had to help look after dd for 11 days. It made him realise how much I actually do when dealing with a grizzling baby.

DP gets up with dd on a Saturday now so I can have a lie in and takes her for a walk so I get an hour alone. he should do this too, afterall it seems he thinks you have it easy so this shouldn't be a challenge for him. Ensure your ds has been fed and changed and he'll have no excuse. (I breastfeed and dd being hungry was DP's go to excuse)