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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i tried to punch my husband...

47 replies

Ruskyrobins24 · 16/02/2016 12:50

so, it would be good to get an outside perspective on this...

last night i totally flew off the handle and attacked my husband to the point where he had to physically restrain me. feels a bit mental now that I've written this down - but for context, i am usually a pretty normal, balanced person!

i was tired and stressed after a day with a poorly DD, and knew i had a shed load of work to do that night for work the next day, as well as all the usual tidying etc. My DH started going on at me about a table i bought for £40 which didn't fit the space and which i'd missed the opportunity to return. he works in a very male high stress job and often is very aggressive and rude in how he talks to me - swears, tells me to shut my mouth if i interrupt him etc. anyway, he starts flying off the handle, calling me a fck up etc. And that i waste HIS money, and this is HIS house. (for the record, i really don't think i do, and i work 3 days a week and spend the other 2 with DD. he earns more than me, but still). i appreciate the table was a bit annoying, but honestly! This all escalated to the point where he kept saying to me 'just admit it, you're a fck up' which drove me m e n t a l.....i already feel pulled in different directions with work and looking after my little one. work is relatively stressful, and my daughter is going through the terrible twos. mixed in to that i commute 1.5hrs to work and have no family support where we live. my DH works v long hours and so he is stressed and can't help out much. i felt like he was just goading me and making me feel like sh*t.

Anyway, i literally flipped out and tried to properly sock him one - luckily i'm a rubbish aim (having never punched anyone before ;-) ) - but i seriously wanted to hurt him at that moment. i have never been so angry. i feel like instead of supporting me when i'm stressed he just pecks at me and says things like 'you're falling apart' and tells me i can't handle it. Nice!

not sure why i've posted this really. i guess i just want to see if anyone else has ever experienced this or if i should go check myself in somewhere..!!

i should also say that most of the time we have a good marriage - i just find that some times he just seems to want to have a go for no good reason & that most of what i do he seems to think is below par. i know i am forgetful and i am not the best housewife, but i'm also not the worst either. i just feel he treats me like an employee sometimes and nothing is good enough and it's starting to get me down (or get me mad to a level which can't be healthy!!) DD was asleep when this went on but i'm not proud, as it's hardly showing us to be good role models :(

any advice. is it me? or is it him? or both as bad as each other!

OP posts:

gunting · 16/02/2016 12:54

None of this sounds ok at all.

Firstmum24 · 16/02/2016 12:54

you say you have a good marriage but I'm sorry he sounds like an abusive sod.
its his issue if he can't deal with his stress in work, it sound alike he is taking it out on you.
completely unfair.
Still, you should not have tried to punch him, i completely understand why you did though

Undertheboredwalk · 16/02/2016 12:55

Lashing out was clearly an awful thing to do, but honestly I can see how you were being pushed to the limit. If my husband treated and talked to me like that I'd find it hard to be restrained too, and i wouldn't be staying in a relationship that did that to me either. You need a serious look at your marriage, it is not normal to treat your spouse that way :(

whatdoIget · 16/02/2016 12:56

From what you've said it sounds like it's him. He's been verbally abusing you for ages and you've finally snapped

Lj8893 · 16/02/2016 12:57

I would normally say it is never ok to inflict violence on anyone, and it's not of course. But I have been in a relationship where my partner has been so unsupportive, emotionally aggressive and nasty that I have wanted to hit him too.

Its not a good marriage op, and I think you need to get out of it, or at least both of you have some counselling together.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/02/2016 13:05

Counselling on your own - yes.
Counselling with your verbally abusive H - NO way!

It all sounds very wrong. If my OH spoke to me the way yours does I know I'd be out the door without even a backward glance.

Please contact Womens Aid, they can maybe help you see this for what it is.
To me it sounds like emotional, verbal and financial abuse.

Original poster

Ruskyrobins24 · 16/02/2016 13:09

i'd feel like such a fraud going somewhere like women's aid...i just don't think it's that bad....but now this is making me question everything...
he's a good dad and a good guy most of the time, but it's the other 10% where he is an arse. i always thought i could handle that side of his personality. i think we argue too much but he always tells me it's normal, but he is very controlling. hmm.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 16/02/2016 13:13

He does sound abusive. If you find that hard to believe why don't you look at these signs of emotional abuse and see if anything sounds familiar.

I've said this on other threads, and I'll say it again here. If your partner is abusive in any way, Women's Aid is for you. If you're not sure, give them a call and see what they say. They won't minimise the abuse the way that you've been conditioned to.

peggyundercrackers · 16/02/2016 13:13

its never OK to try and assault someone. yes he pushed you but you shouldn't have tried to hit him. must admit I would be a bit annoyed if DH bought something then didn't send it back when he didn't want it but I wouldnt have berated him for it like your DH did to you.

Marchate · 16/02/2016 13:14

Sorry to repeat the usual reply to this situation: he is not a good dad and a good guy. He wants you to think that

He winds you up, you retaliate, you look bad, he looks good. He has made sure you don't have a leg to stand on

When he's making nasty comments about you, I expect he has a grin/sneer right across his face

Firstmum24 · 16/02/2016 13:14

The phrase 'don't think its that bad' says all Rusky you deserve better, you are working AND bringing up your daughter, he needs to respect that.
Its such a hard job! I think if you aren't the primary caregiver you dot realise exactly how much hard work it is.
You shouldn't have to 'handle' anything, never mind what sounds like a completely different personality.

Hope you think it all over and come to the best solution for you and your family. You needs hugs and chocolate!!

pocketsaviour · 16/02/2016 13:14

You attempted to assault your partner and he would have been well within his rights to call the police. Today you could have woken up in a strange place, being forced to leave the house and your child, and with a social services investigation bearing down on you, plus a potential court case for common assault. How would that feel?

You need to get immediate help, probably in the form of skilled therapy (which means private, not NHS - it'll take too long and you won't get enough sessions.) You need help to reframe your responses, and you will probably find in the course of the therapy that you want to leave your marriage with this man who certainly brings out the worst in you.

HeyYouGetOffMyCloud · 16/02/2016 13:19

There's some good advice upthread Op. For what it's worth I don't think you're the bad guy for finally snapping.

He sounds horrible. Oh and you're not a fuck up either

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 16/02/2016 13:19

I'm tempted to say I'm sorry you missed 🤔
Look of course hitting is wrong but you know that.
Leaving that aside (and I know we probably shouldn't and if it were a man posting etc etc) he sounds awful.
My DH would have moaned for England about the table but would never, EVER speak to me like that.
He sounds awful b

hellsbellsmelons · 16/02/2016 13:30

Please do call Womens Aid.
Even if it's just to sign up to their Freedom Programme.
That would be really helpful for you to complete.
You are not a fraud. It sounds awful.
If a stranger in the street spoke to you like your H does, how would you react?
Would you just put up with it? Think it's OK?
If you heard someone in the street talk like this to another person, what would you do? Think it's OK, maybe it doesn't happen very often? Or would you feel sorry for the person being abused?
No-one and I mean no-one would get away with talking to me like that.
I don't think many people would put up with it.
YOU don't have to either.

Canyouforgiveher · 16/02/2016 14:02

often is very aggressive and rude in how he talks to me - swears, tells me to shut my mouth if i interrupt him etc. anyway, he starts flying off the handle, calling me a fck up etc. And that i waste HIS money, and this is HIS house.*

If this is what it is like 10 percent of the time you do NOT have a good marriage. if my husband even once told me to shut my mouth if I interrupted him, the relationship would be in serious difficulties.

it is NOT normal to argue all the time. it is not normal to speak with such contempt to your partner because you are stressed. Your dh may well have grown up seeing that script between his parents but that doesn't make it normal.

I wouldn't work with someone who spoke to me like that-even 10 per cent of the time. Why would you live with someone who did?

You are now pushed to a point where you lashed out and frankly, I can see why. This is not a good situation to be in and will only get worse.

I think you should see a counselor by yourself and take it from there.

ToastDemon · 16/02/2016 14:44

I don't think you need therapy. I just think you need to leave the absolute arsehole who is deliberately goading and goading and goading until you lose it.
I could actually feel myself getting wound up and agitated just reading your description of his verbal needling, so god knows how you feel living with it.
But be careful not to play into his hands. What I do agree with his that punching him could backfire on you horribly in terms of consequences.
Oh and you definitely don't have a happy marriage. It sounds like a disaster and you're married to an utter prick.

Isetan · 16/02/2016 15:33

What would you tell your daughter if she ended up in such a relationship? Would you tell her it wasn't that bad? Would you advise her to start treading on eggshells and to accept that this is just his way? Would you tell her that working in a male dominated stressful industry, is the reason/ an excuse for such aggression? Would you want your grandchildren exposed to such aggressiveness?

Your H is an abusive bully and 'handling' his outbursts isn't your responsibility, it's his. Your responsibility begins and ends with how much of his poor behaviour you expose you and your kids to.

Let your behaviour be your wake up call, if you aren't normally aggressive then you need to accept the status quo is no longer tenable. If you don't want to become 'that person' again, then it is your responsibility to limit your exposure to the behaviour that triggered their arrival.

Purpleboa · 16/02/2016 16:05

Some harsh responses here! The real issue to me is how far the OP has been pushed and goaded into this physical response. Of course physical violence isn't the answer but she knows that. But her DH sounds like an EA twat who I suspect takes pleasure out of seeing how far he can push her. Sorry but the part that shocked me was the abusive language he uses towards her. Horrible. I'd have tried to hit him too. Good luck OP

magoria · 16/02/2016 18:12

A good marriage and often is very aggressive and rude in how he talks to me - swears, tells me to shut my mouth if i interrupt him etc. or i just feel he treats me like an employee sometimes and nothing is good enough don't actually go together.

That sounds like a very abusive marriage.

An abusive marriage your DD is seeing played out of how a relationship should be and what she should expect from a man when she grows up. Don't be fooled into thinking they are in bed asleep and don't see. They do.

You were very wrong using physical violence. That is never acceptable.

That you are asking means you realise it was wrong unlike abusers.

You need to make steps to end this relationship before it escalates.

PushingThru · 16/02/2016 18:17

You absolutely must leave this toxic relationship before you seriously hurt him and / or have your mental health completely destroyed.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2016 18:20

You have a good marriage ?

No you don't

dustmyduvet · 16/02/2016 18:33

You don't need to check in somewhere, you need to check out of this relationship.

I think you should re-read your op and substitute you with the name of a close friend or family member that you really care about. What would you advise them to do ?

Also, read the sticky at the top of relationships, "Right, listen up everybody...."

If you know you would never try and hurt another person, imagine what he must be doing to your mind and spirit to drive you to do what you did.

If he can speak to his wife, the mother of his child, like this, what sort of person must he be. Of course it's him, not you, 100%. I too don't condone violence but I'm surprised you haven't tried to knock him out before.

springydaffs · 16/02/2016 23:13

What's that therapy saying? He loaded the gun, you pulled the trigger.

crazyhead · 16/02/2016 23:22

I think you need to see this as a useful wake up call. Don't waste the chance to use it - go on your own and talk to a counsellor or similar about what happened, you need perspective.

My OH has literally never said anything horrible to me ever and many men are the same btw

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