i tried to punch my husband...

[Ruskyrobins24]

so, it would be good to get an outside perspective on this...

last night i totally flew off the handle and attacked my husband to the point where he had to physically restrain me. feels a bit mental now that I've written this down - but for context, i am usually a pretty normal, balanced person!

i was tired and stressed after a day with a poorly DD, and knew i had a shed load of work to do that night for work the next day, as well as all the usual tidying etc. My DH started going on at me about a table i bought for £40 which didn't fit the space and which i'd missed the opportunity to return. he works in a very male high stress job and often is very aggressive and rude in how he talks to me - swears, tells me to shut my mouth if i interrupt him etc. anyway, he starts flying off the handle, calling me a fck up etc. And that i waste HIS money, and this is HIS house. (for the record, i really don't think i do, and i work 3 days a week and spend the other 2 with DD. he earns more than me, but still). i appreciate the table was a bit annoying, but honestly! This all escalated to the point where he kept saying to me 'just admit it, you're a fck up' which drove me m e n t a l.....i already feel pulled in different directions with work and looking after my little one. work is relatively stressful, and my daughter is going through the terrible twos. mixed in to that i commute 1.5hrs to work and have no family support where we live. my DH works v long hours and so he is stressed and can't help out much. i felt like he was just goading me and making me feel like sh*t.

Anyway, i literally flipped out and tried to properly sock him one - luckily i'm a rubbish aim (having never punched anyone before ;-) ) - but i seriously wanted to hurt him at that moment. i have never been so angry. i feel like instead of supporting me when i'm stressed he just pecks at me and says things like 'you're falling apart' and tells me i can't handle it. Nice!

not sure why i've posted this really. i guess i just want to see if anyone else has ever experienced this or if i should go check myself in somewhere..!!

i should also say that most of the time we have a good marriage - i just find that some times he just seems to want to have a go for no good reason & that most of what i do he seems to think is below par. i know i am forgetful and i am not the best housewife, but i'm also not the worst either. i just feel he treats me like an employee sometimes and nothing is good enough and it's starting to get me down (or get me mad to a level which can't be healthy!!) DD was asleep when this went on but i'm not proud, as it's hardly showing us to be good role models :(

any advice. is it me? or is it him? or both as bad as each other!

Sorry but if what you are describing is supposed to be a "good marriage" then I'd hate to see a bad marriage. It's beyond toxic. He talks to you like you're a nothing. Telling you not to interrupt him. As though he's a fuckin prison officer or something.
And you lost it with him. Which I suppose is understandable. Everyone has got their limits. However I'm only going to say this once because I feel I have to. If the tables were turned the other way, and he was on here saying he had almost punched you. He would have been verbally torn apart and roasted on a pit folk.

Crazy head. That's all well and good, but I don't think this is the most inappropriate thread for what could be seen as dubbing salt in the wounds. Yes Op may shit on the floor, but it's a bit insensitive to rub her nose it

You've got off lightly on this thread so far, op. This is one hot subject on MN - so brace yourself

Rubbing salt not dubbing

The difference here is power, both physical and emotional. Op didn't actually succeed in hurting her op. Had the tables been turned, the outcome would have been very, very different. I'm not suggesting that women do not somwtimes physically abuse their husbands. They clearly do. But this is not the situation here. While trying to hit him was wrong, it was not an abusive thing to do. To abuse, you need to hold the balance of power, and op does not have it either physically or emotionally. Please leave him. Normal loving husbands do not act like this to their wife, not 10%, not even 1% of the time.

Springydaffs I hope op doesn't have to brace herself. Hitting a person who is abusing you is a whole different ethical issue to hitting in any other situation. I would hope that mumsnetters would have the emotional intelligence to see that.

I would only add to get out. Been in this situation myself, far more years than I should have continued in.

I got to the point I actually wanted to stab the ex - not me at all, but the buttons were pushed. I was 'crazy', a 'fruitloop', a 'nutjob' and more, and to be 'fair' I probably was, but only because some fucking twat helped me to feel that way. Two children, my world, and I realised I a choice, for my sanity and theirs, to help them understand what was right and wrong, (albeit a bit later than it should have been), and to leave whatever the future looked like. It was going to better mentally for me and the children.

Best decision I ever made.

No-one, male or female should put up with such a situation like yours.

You have no right to raise your hand to someone ever.

You don't have any right to swear at your spouse, tell her to shut her mouth if she interrupts you, fly off the handle, call her a f*ck up etc. And tell her that she wastes MY money, and this is MY house.

And yes you can raise your hand to someone- in self defence, to protect someone, to stop something awful happening, to protest evil.

This is a horrible situation in which the OP lost her cool and did something she regrets and hates but she did it because of her husband's abusive behavior. Just because men who hit their wives typically blame them for provoking them does not mean the concept of provocation doesn't apply in this situation.

Hitting a person who is abusing you is a whole different ethical issue to hitting in any other situation. I would hope that mumsnetters would have the emotional intelligence to see that.

I couldn't say it better than this.

If you are in a relationship that takes you to the point where you physically lash out at OH then you must seek professional help. He is emotionally abusing you, he is not a good anything, he is the cause of your snapping.

Whatever the reason for lashing out, as another poster has said, he could have called the police citing domestic violence and you would be in a whole lot of mess with SS.

Best never to allow that to happen again by having some counselling just for you and taking some time out of the relationship.

This is absolutely not a case of 'if the sexes were reversed' and op is not a domestic abuser. DA is about exerting power and control and op has neither.
It's never ok to assault someone and when you get to the stage of wanting to violently hurt your partner that is a clear warning sign that things are beyond repair.
He's not a good man or a good partner, the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is 0, not 10% or whatever you are allowing.

Both of you sound in the wrong to me.

I would have bloody punched him. Im sorry but i would leave. I cant stand men who, despite their wife having a job and looking after a lo pretty much single handedly (because their too stressed with their job ), seem to think they are the sole contributer and that they seem to matter more.

Its bullshit and no women or anyone shoukd settle for a partner like that.

when he is making nasty comments, I suspect he has a grin/sneer right across his face

Yup, my H had that. When I would flip after a bitchy comment or after an evening of looking at me like dirt on his shoe, he had this look on his face that I can only describe as a smirk.

What dilys has described is a form of domestic abuse. Your partner doesnt necessarily need to psycially harm you to be an abuser

I did physically lash out at H last year. And he labelled me an abuser because of it.

Over the course of a number of months he had made it clear he didn't even like me: belittling my achievements, refusing to share a bed, staying out drinking rather than coming home, never missing an opportunity to poke fun, if I spoke to him when he was busy, he would raise his hand up palms flat (in front of people), he was rude to me in front of our work colleagues, he would behave constantly as if I had aggrieved him in some way. He also disengaged himself from the children. I asked him to leave as it was clear he wasn't happy. He said he didn't want to split and a period of around ten months followed where all the above would still take place but he wouldn't leave, or would tacitly agree but then do nothing. When it got really bad he would apologise for his behaviour and do just enough 'ok' to make it seem extreme to force him out. I felt trapped in a relationship where I was despised.

I would cry and ask him why he was making us all so miserable and why wouldn't he just go if he didn't like me or like being here. Because he never shouted or raised his voice, I felt like the bad guy as it was always my crying and my voice the children could hear (sometimes our arguing woke them up, I'm ashamed to say).

One evening, we had been out for dinner at my friend's house, where he had made fun of me all night and been rude to the hosts (later found out he had been texting his mistress under the table all evening). We had rowed on the way home as he'd started slagging off my friends for being boring the second we left. An hour later I was up with the baby and he was telling me I was doing it wrong and she was keeping him awake because I wasn't settling her right. He kept coming at me; when he was trying to make a point he would sometimes come at me very close and I cuffed him away as hard as I could with my hand on his forehead (he had gotten that close). I just sort of lost it.

He did a kind of dive on to the sofa clutching his head and saying 'you've hit me.' I was horrified. We were at a friends house the next day and he kept rubbing his forehead and giving me victim looks.

He is dead now (suicide, after I finally kicked him out on discovery of his affair, although that probably wasn't the true reason he killed himself; there was a lot going on in his head and I think he did it as a bit of a 'fuck you' to me).

My point is that EAs often like to feel the victim themselves. Get out before you end up actually hitting him as I think my H had certainly told people I has physically abused him. But as someone up thread said, only the holder of power can abuse. And that really wasn't me.

Hitting a person who is abusing you is a whole different ethical issue to hitting in any other situation. I would hope that mumsnetters would have the emotional intelligence to see that.

Not until this thread. Thankfully the stasi haven't got in first.

Dilys

Exactly. Abuse is not about what actually happens. It's about control

Think of playground arguments -

Two pupils fall out. They shove each other but quickly forget their quarrel. That's learning about life

Every day pupil A shoves pupil B, sometimes hurting her. Pupil B hates school. That's bullying

Now think of pupil A winding up pupil B every day without ever touching her. Nasty comments, rumours about her or her family, sneaky things. One day pupil B pushes pupil A over. Guess which one is called up for 'bullying'? Not the actual bully, I'd bet!

Same is happening to OP

I lost it completely once and threw (light, non-dangerous) stuff at XH. Terrified the DC I packed an overnight bag and went to stay with a relative, not DSis as he would have been expecting that, and came back a couple of days later after I'd had an already-booked counselling session. Never did it again. One of the most compelling reasons for being out of that relationship was that I didn't want to be the kind of person I was turning into. It's no good saying I had a choice; at that moment the only choice I had was to throw something light at him, or to throw something very hard and heavy at him. Throwing just had to happen. That's not a healthy place to be in...

Yes, do get help, but also, get out, is my advice.

Op my exh used to make me feel so worthless all of the time and spoke to me as if I was deranged that I have told people that when he got going at me had I had a gun in my hand I could have easily shot him!
This shocks most people who know me as I am really easy going and very laid back, but sometimes there is only so much you can take.
I understand your reaction, you just wanted him to stop, didn't you, please don't ever put yourself in that position again, it could have very far reaching consequences.
It may mean therapy or walking away from your marriage.
I initially temporarily separated from exh, then realising how much better and calmer my life was, I made it permanent.

Be realistic with yourself, you cannot let this continue, what are you going to do to reclaim the part of you that is not driven to violence when pushed to the limit?

I've also been where you are and I couldn't give a shit what anyone on here says - my punches, unlike yours, did land.

My ex's favourite taunt was 'you're mad' if I did anything he didn't like or disagreed with. He'd hold my baby son up facing me and say things like 'look at her, your mother's mad'. He would also do this physical intimidation thing - not hitting me but sort of in my face and hovering over me (he was tall) and sort of pushing me back without touching me if that makes any sense. One day - something just clicked in my brain I thumped him and I kept on thumping him (how hard or if it hurt I have no idea as it was mainly his upper arms and shoulders type thing - bit like a playground scrap) and the shock on his face was a sight to behold at the fact that I had actually retaliated. I tell you what though - he never did it again. He never tried to intimate me or run me down in front of the kids and not long after that I made my escape from the fucker.

If someone is constantly in your face telling you your a 'fuck up' I'm not surprised you lashed out. You lead a busy life, commuting to work, looking after your little one, home etc. and you forgot to take back a £40 table? And that makes you deserving of that level of verbal abuse? Not in my world it doesn't.

He's an arsehole OP and he has absolutely no right to speak to you like that under any circumstances. I'm not suggesting you start thumping him on a regular basis, but I for one, can totally understand why you tried to land one on him, on this particular occasion.

my ex verbally abused me and took my baby i snatched at him and tried to get him back and he had a tiny scratch on his arm because of it he was going to call the police then he shoved my dd into some stepladders and she said she would tell the police what he had done ds1 backed his sister up and i finally got the baby back he said he would let me off this time but if i ever hit him again he would have me arrested and take the kids i was shaking piss in my pants and my nail was ripped off the kids were hurt and crying but he was going to have me arrested and i believed it too i tried so hard to contact women's aid and i couldn't everything that's happened since i really wish i had been able to that night

you need to get help