How to move on from this- DH losing our money and the deception.

[OddsandSods]

I can't give too much detail as its identifiable but I recently discovered DH was stitched up by his family to the tune of £10,000. There is no legal recompense. I warned him in advance against trusting them but he went against my wishes and didn't tell me the detail of what he'd paid out until it was clear he wasn't going to see any return from them.

Basically it's not the end of the world financially although it's taken half our savings. We both work. For him it means he is now completely and irretrievably estranged from his siblings.

I don't want to kick the man when he's down and he's normally trustworthy so there's no pattern here. What I'm struggling with is the deceit in not consulting me before he did this, him going against my warnings and the fact the people he gave money to have proven untrustworthy in the past, that we're not rich and this is a lot of money to lose when we have a child and wanted to use savings wisely. I can't even discuss it as he just goes silent when I try to explain how this has made me feel, he also hasn't apologised to me. I think if he displayed some kind of regret and humility I might feel better towards him.

I'm finding it hard to be around him at the moment. Any ideas how to move on from this?

Not sure you should have the other savings separate, it sounds like you've had a savings account and he's had one in his name, then it's easier to see it as "my money, your money" not "family money" - you'd be better having a joint savings account with an agreement that nothing is withdrawn from it without agreement from the other. If he has is own 'fun money' if he wants to save additionally from that for his own spending (including feckless towards family) fine, but keep family money just that.

Most of its in my account so he can't get at that. I'll get him to move the rest over to me. Then he can put his Xmas bonus (if he gets one) into it too.

Yes the family have grown up in a dysfunctional but outwardly 'look at how close we are' bullshit existence. This action has blown that apart. If it wasn't for DD I would happily lay waste to the lot of them and enjoy doing the time for it. I'm that bloody angry.

alltouchedout I'm pretty cross at the moment and not saying things with my usual consideration. The comp is pretty shit but I'm stuck here for work. It is sinking and in and out of special measures. We're lucky to have an alternative.

What on earth is wrong with the OP wanting a decent education for her child? If the local secondary school is crap and there is an alternative, what is wrong with using the alternative?

Some schools are bad. Education matters. Bit of a no-brainer really.

You've referred to his family as scheming lying arseholes

I would say the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

He has betrayed your trust and now wont talk about it. Thats a massive insult to you and your relationship.

How would his family have known about your savings being available if he hadnt said anything to them?

It sounds like at some point he offered to rescue them rather than them bullying him into handing over money they shouldnt have had any idea he had

Odds,

re this part of your comment re your H:-

"He never accepted that they were the scheming lying arseholes I saw and I imagine he's finding it hard to come to terms with that. Well I guess so as he wont talk about it. But he looks hurt. The family are dysfunctional.com from parents down so he lacks good role modelling".

Its no excuse for what has happened at all but when you grow up within such an unhealthy dysfunctional family, all the people within it end up playing roles. He's still playing out a role within that bullying dynamic. Your H may be still wanting to seek their approval hence those funds heading in their direction in the first place. He even now does not want to see or acknowledge that his own inertia when it comes to them has simply hurt him as well as his own family unit now.

He now has to face the consequences of such poor decision making on his part, he is 10K down for a start. I think he knew on some level that you have always been right re his family. However, he did not want to accept that fact because of his own inherent denial, its too painful for him to acknowledge so he clams up thus making you feel even more annoyed and hurt.

Why do you state there is no legal recompense?.

I agree with floppy. Your h is one of the founder members of dysfunctional.com and chose to promulgate the 'look how close we are" bullshit at the expense of his dd's education.

Unless he has been gifting his £10,000 share of your joint savings to his family members in dribs and drabs, as in a fiver here, a tenner or a grand or two there, I find it hard to believe that there is no possibility of seeking recompense in law, but his silence speaks volumes and I very much doubt that he would be willing to take any action that may shatter his illusions the myth.

His loyalty to his family brings into question what, if any, loyalty he believes he owes to the family he has created with you and my concern is that he sees the welfare and wellbeing of you and your dc as being a poor runner up secondary to that of his dm/siblings.

It appears that failing to cut the ties that should no longer bind has caused him to become willing victim to his predatory family members, but unless he demonstrates by word and deed that he will no longer bankroll them it's probable that this will not be the last time he chucks money their way.

Under the circumstances, putting your jointly earned savings into an account that can be accessed by both of you offers opportunity for him to prove that he is as untrustworthy as his family members and, imo, you're best advised to take steps to single handedly hold the purse strings until such time as they're dead and gone you can be assured that his loyalty is solely and wholly devoted to you and your dc.

one of the founder members of dysfunctional.com

(goes well OT) - one of the reasons why MN is invaluable

See a lawyer about the money, you should be able to get half an hour free advice. Make dh go with you he has to face up to it.
See a marriage counsellor about your relationship.again, dh goes with you.
I think it's too early to think you can easily move on, I too would feel very angry and would probably not want to be around him.
Try these two strategies, I don't think you can do this alone.
Good luck

Do the new legal guidelines or whatever they are about financial abuse also cover family members you don't live with? I wouldn't just want to let that go.

This article may be of interest to you, TQ www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/everything-you-need-to-know-about-the-new-psychological-abuse-law-a6789271.html

On balance I find myself agreeing with Ms Horley.

I've been through similar. A lot of people told me the same things other posters are telling you. We're now 15 years post the event, and I learnt a lot so I will pass on what I did - feel free to take it on board or not.

Firstly, this affects both of you. But the situation is HIS. For this reason, don't expect your needs (contrite, guilt, promises of it never happening again, shows of regret) to be met immediately. He is processing this betrayal himself. He's likely to be angry, humiliated, heartbroken. This is his thing. Let him process it and have some patience before your needs are met.

If you can't give this time, or can't accept waiting, then you have the option to leave. But if you don't want to leave what you really need to do is support him and put your own needs to one side for a bit. His going quiet and refusing to talk is absolutely typical and shouldn't be taken as evidence he doesn't care.

I didn't do any of this. I ranted, raved, threatened, screamed, shouted. I thought I could make him do what I wanted, but I wasn't going to leave so had to give up the idea of control. Because actually, leaving is the only control you have. I wasted a lot of time, stress and upset trying to get this. It all came in its own time when he'd had time to process it.

Good luck

Sorry should add that took me so long to type- wasn't aware of a back story so apologises if missing something

I think that's amazing advice from doubleup

for you OP (and doubleup). Bloody, fucking arsehole families.

Brilliant post Double

Thanks double can I ask were you able to fully recover from it? It's helpful to hear it's possible thank you.

Thanks everyone for taking the trouble to comment. I can't talk to anyone IRL it's too embarrassing.

Aww thanks all I wish it hadn't happened but at least you learn from it.

Oddsandsods we got through it. It was a lot more money and it took us 10 very difficult years to get straight and we still lost a lot.

We don't see the family member- most the time I forget about their existence. I am not even embarrassed about all the shockingly violent things I did to them in my fantasies nor the terrible things I considered in revenge- I don't even care. Extreme stress and pressure makes you desperate, and that makes you act in very, very, strange ways.

We've moved on. Only after the money was sorted and we had physically moved on (we emigrated) did DH start to open up about his Guilt and regret. Before that I think he was shell shocked tbh.

I handled it really badly but I can't much regret it. You don't know what to do when dropped into a situation like that and muddle through best you can.

Sometimes the only thing that got me through the day was the knowledge that one day it would be over, That one day I would look back and remember how awful it was. And it IS over and that's how I look back now, so keep the faith

All things must pass, but I suspect you're going find it very difficult to get past this unless and until your h starts communicating with you, OP.

Thanks double. I think he is shell shocked so improbably going to need to detach from the problem until he has time to deal.

I'm probably, not improbably!

I think you're all being a bit mean to the husband here. Abusive family, he's been pressured potentially to bail someone out? Amidst you don't love me's and all sorts of other manipulations?

There are two sides to the story and yours is certainly one of them, and I would be very cross, as you are.

But I come from that sort of family, the dysfunctional sort, and the pull to toe the line is very strong. We often face doing what we are told of losing the entire family. It is sometimes best if we do indeed lose our entire family, but I beg you to ask yourself what that actually feels like. It is dreadful.

I'd give him some time to come to terms with what's happened. Park it for a month, after moving the rest of the money.

Then when the dust has settled, sit down and talk. He may well say he has been stupid, he knows he can't trust them from now on, he knows things have changed etc. it will be very sad. The ten grand he lost as part of the bargain for that knowledge, well I am sorry you got caught up in it. It's a big price to pay, to be with someone who is attached to that family. Maybe the best thing after that is for him to transfer all of his allegiance to you and your family together. It's a tough one. I feel for you all.

while he's not saying anything out loud to you,op. he's saying plenty inside his head. Can you guess what ? Good idea to go to a lawyer with him and see what comes out of that. Also good idea to take financial control as his actions in facilitating that will give you an insight into what is your best path in the future. Make appointments at the bank and with a lawyer and see if he cooperates. If he does then maybe a family counsellor appointment. BTW how cd you know what his family is like and he didn't?

Poor you.
My guess is that your dh is beginning a process of coming out of denial that his family is dysfunctional - toxic, really.
That process is going to be very bumpy. I suspect you'll bear the brunt of it - because you are 'safe' and care about him. That might be particularly difficult for you, given that they've fucked you over, as well as him, so you're not exactly in a position to be dispassionate!
It might be an idea to read around any literature you can find on adult children coming to terms with abusive families. They ARE abusive: non-dysfunctional families don't con members out of large sums of money with other members of the family colluding to make them 'suck it up'.

What an absolutely grim situation to be in.

Hang on... You had £20k total in savings, now £10k, and you intend to send your kid to private school?

You're crazy! As someone who went to the local sink comp, you can find better uses for your money.
Like saving for your retirement.

Are you expecting your child to look after you once they're adult? Errr....

What are you on about? We earn plenty to pay for schooling. The £20k was a safety net we were not intending to need. We have pensions and insurances and can build it up again. What a bizarre post.

Thank you to all the sensible posters, your insights are very helpful, especially from those who have similar family dynamics.