is sex necessary for a happy marriage?

[GeorgiaT2468]

Just that really.. Battling depression again but a particularly rough patch.. Do not want sex at all, in fact the idea makes me cringe.. Husband feeling deprived and continues to go on at me about his needs.. Feeling quite low currently xx

I really do feel sorry for him in the aspects that I reject him. I hate myself for feeling this way, I wish I could be OK and not so bloody strange i hate myself, I feel odd and a complete waste of space all the time. I hate feeling like this. I'm trying to cope and get help, I really am. My eldest is currently being assessed for ADHD, autism and other things, possibly a trauma based outcome from his biological father. Or possibly the fact Iv got mental health issues and have done from a child. Maybe he has the same.. I'm getting him all the help in the world though, day in day out I'm on the phone and having meetings to help my son. My middle boy has hit the terrible twos massively and my husband works full time so I'm on my own doing it all, which is fine I love my kids and wanted them all so it's my job to crack on with it.. It's just hard and my eldest is quite a handful bless him and some days I find myself crying myself to sleep because I can see his struggles and I feel exhausted with life. He gets up at 5am every day and I'm obviously up in the night with babba, I sleep 3 hours a night and try to eat when I can to keep my breast milk healthy but sometimes food makes me feel sick. I don't have many friends or people I trust and quite a distant family who aren't keen to help although Iv asked to the point of tears. Sorry to go on again xx

"I'm trying to cope and get help"

What are you doing to get help? Have you been to see your GP? Are you getting any counselling or other therapy? You need to get professional help for your mental health problems as a matter of urgency.

Your sex life can wait. That is not top of the priority list!

I think you need to go and see your GP - you can have meds which are safe when BF.

tbh it sounds like you need lots of counselling as well as meds.

it must be hard for your DH to be rejected all the time as sex is a very normal part of a relationship.

I'm currently on the waiting list gain for therapy, they are rushing it they say. Iv asked my doctor for medication advice but he won't give me any as he says there is no real proof they don't affect babies brain and development. He says I need to stop breast feeling but that kills me and makes me feel guilty. I breast fed my other two until hey were a year old. My sex drive has been very low for years as the medication lowers my labido. When I'm off my medication it's only been when Iv been pregnant and breast fed and at that time sex disgusts me too.. I tried to have sex pregnant and after babies were born after I healed but it was awful and I sat in the bath after crying at how much I hate my body. I feel disgusting.

He's not controlling or anything like that, he's not critical to me no, he's just a bit bitter I guess that from his perspective I don't want him or he makes me cringe. It's not him it's the sex, it's hard to explain but I love him and want to be with him forever but I know we can't go on like this. Iv had therapy since I was 14 but nothing is getting better for me in my head xx

Georgia, why do you describe the period of your life where you cared for your nan, as a poison? Did you not do a very kind thing, at a very young age?

Also I think arrogance from your partner, at the point of rejection, is a form of self preservation.

Not wishing to sound like an amateur psychiatrist here...

Could you have OCD? There are good sites where you can read about it. Not liking being touched, feeling you have to purge the bad feeling from your skin. I have two relatives with OCD and it's nothing to do with the stereotypes we hear about. You could look up the NHS advice pages to start with & see if it rings any bells

A poison as in the memories of it kill me. I lost my best friend, she was my world and died in my arms, her last few words to me was don't let me die, please don't let me die, I'm scared, I love you. The memories give me pain throughout my body that Iv always described as swallowing poison. It hurts so much and I wish I could have saved her, I didn't know what to say when she said don't let me die. I just stroked her head and told I repeatedly I loved her xx

that sounds like a very overwhelming amount of childcare to me - if you're up at 5am after a bad night's sleep, day after day, that's not going to help your mental health. I agree you need to go to your GP about all of this, and your health visitor. Does your DH have the children for a bit at the weekend so you can go out for a break or have a rest?

No Iv never done anything bad at a young age? What do you mean sorry? I cared for my nan for 3 years when I was a teen. I didn't leave her side until she left mine. Xx

Two months after giving birth and he's getting in a grump without sex? Even without all the rest going on he's being a dick.

I don't like to go out and no where to go really so I stay at home. He's not really helpful at weekends no.. He's just been diagnosed with COPD and is tired too, plus he works all week so I try and give him rest too xx

Iv seen my GP lots, he's referee me to therapy again so just waiting for it, I had to wait 6 months last time xx

Referred me rather xx

I wrote 'kind thing', meaning caring for your nan.

My therapy said OCD yeah, they need to see me more to diagnose me with a few things he things I have. Problem is I had to stop therapy because I was pregnant and all the talking gave me panic attacks during the sessions and I fainted. So they said it's not safe until I have babba, now I have I can return but I'm on a waiting list. Xx

Oh sorry I read it wrong, my mistake sorry. Yeah it was a kind thing to care for her, it just hurts, she suffered so much xx

It is normal to feel sad after suffering such a trauma. People don't 'get over' things, they just learn to live with them.

You've just had a baby though and are breastfeeding and depressed, I would also think because of all that you would go off sex anyway tbh.

You don't sound very kind to yourself. You are dealing with such alot

Having my 3rd baby was a challenge, without extra problems, I think you need to be kind to yourself. I found it helpful to take the baby out for a pram walk, it was this time of year too, wrap up well, you, baby and child/children, walk around the block. Please try it, and notice how you feel when you get back home. I did it every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times. Chat to your children about what you can see.

Continue to seek professional help for yourself, and those you care for.

I just feel like such an inconvenience to everyone. Why can't I just be normal xx

Georgia love there is no 'normal', just everyone trying to make the best of the cards they are dealt. Scratch the surface of most lives and there are challenges/difficulties. People try to make the best of their lot, and if the challenges are too great, they need help, therapies/medicine.

That is true, thank you xx

Thank you all so very much for your replies xx

I think you should see a different doctor as there are meds safe to take while breastfeeding.

Maybe i could ask for a second opinion. I'm struggling at my doctors to develop good relationships because my doctor who Iv had my whole life, who's known me since birth has just retired. It was not bloody easy xx

I think you need a 2 pronged treatment plan. Firstly, your anxiety and OCD seems to have reached critical levels. There are def meds that are safe when BF and whilst feeding for 1yr is great, that's not going to be the case if your MH collapses under the strain.
Secondly, I think you need some good quality grief counselling. You have suffered a lot of loss for someone so young and I know first hand how childbirth can cause grief you thought you had a handle on to blow up in your face. A good GP should help you access help on both those fronts.

As for you DH, he is of course being unreasonable to pressure you for sex so soon after the birth. However, you say it's part of a bigger picture of you not ever wanting sex or perhaps intimacy with him. He may be worn down and upset by constant rejection over the last few years which is totally understandable from his POV. However, you are ill and most def should not be feeling coerced into sex to appease him. He owes you love, time, patience and space. You owe him a commitment to try and get help. If your GP is useless you must seek out another. Good luck