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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

You're mad

31 replies

Isaintheshop · 15/02/2016 13:19

End of our marriage sadly, see previous posts but big issues with control, especially financial control. Have been to see a solicitor and told DH about 3 weeks ago that formal steps were underway. Since then, living on eggshells, awful atmosphere with DH essentially not speaking to me.
I asked last week if he'd done anything about finding a solicitor. He must have told me 20 times that I was mad. I had to see a doctor, a psychologist, a psychiatrist. He couldn;t leave as he'd need to stay and look after me and I;m not capable of looking after our child.
I'm sure this is gas lighting. My friends think I'm fine, so does my mum, I continue to look after our wee boy mainly on my own as DH works away for part of the week. He can't be that worried about him if he's headed off to work. I just can't get over how much its hurt. I can't believe someone that I love would say such things.
I need to phone my solicitor again as she was planing to send him a formal letter but I thought better to vent here.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/02/2016 13:28

Phone your solicitor and get it sorted asap. Just leave the room whenever he talks to you like that. It's ridiculous. If he thought you were mad, he wouldn't go off to work away, would he? I wouldn't leave my child with someone I thought was mad. In fact, that makes him negligent! Ignore him, though, and go through your solicitor. He's just trying to hurt you.

Twinklestein · 15/02/2016 13:29

Let the solicitor go ahead with sending him a letter, you can vent on here any time.

You're not mad he's just irate that you've had the temerity to divorce him.

Iwantmymaidennameback · 15/02/2016 13:41

Ignore, ignore, ignore. He is just trying to control you as usual and is panicking as he can see his control over you slipping away.
He will try any trick in the book to get you back in line, such as making out you are mad and not capable of looking after your DC.
Do not back down and tell your solicitor to get things moving.
You should be raging that he has the gall to make out you are the bad parent, don't fall for it.

Finola1step · 15/02/2016 13:47

Oh that old chestnut. Trying to convince you that it is all in your head. He's a piece of work but you are one step ahead. You know he's up to tricks. Tell your solicitor what he is up to.

Original poster
Isaintheshop · 15/02/2016 13:58

Thank you. Its making me think its time I got cross not sad. I was saying on Thursday night, "Not mad. I'd be mad to put up with this" but its pervasive. And even though I'm not mad, not sleeping well and worrying aren't good for concentration. I've even been thinking what if he tells the GMC I'm mentally ill....

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 15/02/2016 14:01

He is abusive. Maybe you could contact Women's Aid? They can reassure, support and advise you.

You might also find it helpful to read Lundy Bancroft and/or do the Freedom Programme.

Hang on in there!

goddessofsmallthings · 15/02/2016 14:06

He's exhibiting a par for the course reaction to being faced with the prospect of losing control of you and it's to be expected that he'll try every trick in the book to turn back time to the halcyon days when he called the shots.

What has the General Medical Council got to do with the price of eggs
your mental health which, to all intents and purposes, is as sound as a bell albeit slightly off-key due to the toxic atmosphere that he has chosen to create in your home?

Original poster
Isaintheshop · 15/02/2016 14:10

Sorry didn't explain I'm a doctor hence my GMC worries.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 15/02/2016 14:11

Btw, don't be afraid to go and see your GP if you want some help with your anxiety and sleeping problems. And be honest that STBXH is the cause. If nothing else it will be good to have an official record of his emotional abuse and the effects on you.

pocketsaviour · 15/02/2016 14:20

Do you have a line manager or supervisor that you could flag up to what is happening and the threats that he has made? This would ensure there was a record in the unlikely event that he follows through on his threats (because once he sees you're not backing down, he'll lose interest in that tactic.)

Twinklestein · 15/02/2016 14:23

As you're a doctor it would be advisable to go to your own GP, tell them your dh is abusive and get that on record.

In the circumstances it would be better not to tell the GP about stress and anxiety, but see a psychotherapist privately, so it won't go on you records.

bigbuttons · 15/02/2016 14:25

My ex used to call me mad all the time. Said I had serious psychological and mental health issues. Actually the only real issue I had was living with him. he did kind of drive me crazy. I was gaslighted to within an inch of my life. It has taken me 4 years of being out to start to regain the confidence and self belief he destroyer.
You go ahead, send the letters and push it through.

redexpat · 15/02/2016 14:33

You're mad = you're not doing what I want you to any more.

Flag it up with your own GP. I would also just keep a diary where you record in as much detail as you can everything he says to you.

ImperialBlether · 15/02/2016 15:13

You'd be mad if you weren't stressed and anxious about this! Go to see your own GP and in the meantime, can't you arrange somewhere else to live? This sounds impossible.

Is he a doctor, too?

Original poster
Isaintheshop · 15/02/2016 15:25

Thanks everyone. I haven't been getting good sleep for 2 years as DS isn't a great sleeper, but over the last few months if I've been woken I then end up lying awake having a bit of a fret. I think most people would too. I don't think there's any great issue with anxiety - ie nothing I need help with other than this is an anxious time generally

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 15/02/2016 15:49

"can't you arrange somewhere else to live? This sounds impossible."

Hope you don't mind me referring to your other threads, OP, but I understand that you and your husband own two properties. The family home which is near your place of work, and your husband's flat which is near his. So it would seem logical for him to move out of the family home and into his flat. Do you think he would agree to this? It doesn't sound as if he's being reasonable, but it could be worth making the suggestion - you never know...

Original poster
Isaintheshop · 15/02/2016 15:56

If it was just me I'd have moved out a few weeks ago. Unfortunately I want to unsettle DS as little as possible, and I think us moving out (still BF so we come as a team) would be a problem. I also need to sort childcare for oncall weeks (as every 5 weeks from Mon 8am to Mon 8am I do my normal working week and then can be called back in for emergencies)
STBXH also works away a few days a week, staying in his bachelor flat. I do feel if anyone should move out it should be him, and based on MN wisdom, I hear you should never give up the marital house (excepting violence etc)

OP posts:
Original poster
Isaintheshop · 15/02/2016 15:57

Sorry, cross post. He is refusing to go anywhere or engage a solicitor or have anything to do with this process apart from citing it as evidence of my madness. The sensible thing would be him moving to his place.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 15/02/2016 16:07

Hmmm. I think just keep going with the legal side of things through your solicitor. But do tell the solicitor about his emotional/financial abuse and ask if there's anything that can be done about the living arrangements. Given that he has a flat and is already living there part-time it's not a huge leap for him to move there full-time. Don't know if there's anything you can do legally to make that happen.

Do you have a supportive friend or relative to talk to about all this? And are you getting any counselling?

Twinklestein · 15/02/2016 16:46

If you can bear it it may be sensible to stay put, however I do think you need support to deal with his ongoing abuse, gas lighting etc.

If you've had to verify from friends or family that you're not mad, then he's getting to you.

The Freedom Programme would be a great idea.

tipsytrifle · 15/02/2016 16:58

The sensible thing would indeed be him moving out but he isn't going to do that. Instead he's going to say that you are mad. This may be what he's telling his solicitor in the background. It's likely he's consulted one even if he hasn't actually declared all out war yet.

If you're still BF then little one isn't going to know anything about relocation. Did you mention DS - have I misread and you have two dc?

It might be an idea to make plans for exit, even if you get to have the home back later. Depends how much insanity (his) you can take. Be careful who you mention terms like "anxiety" to and do not under-estimate how low a stbxh will stoop to wield the axe of how-dare-you-leave-me.

tipsytrifle · 15/02/2016 17:00

Oh - he has a place of his own already? Just re-reading ...

Original poster
Isaintheshop · 15/02/2016 18:59

Thank you for wise words. I looked at freedom programme but felt like it didn't really apply as there's been no violence. I think I'll try and get lundy Bancroft from the library or other non-amazon source as he uses my old laptop and it has my Amazon account - the suggested purchases after that are probably interesting. I have a really supportive mum and a few good friends but I struggle to phone after bed time if he's in the house as he has a habit of listening in -and probably even more so now.
It's going to be a tough road. I always thought I hope this works out as he's be an awful person to split up with. Is that weird?

OP posts:
redexpat · 15/02/2016 20:28

Not weird, perhaps proof that you knew something wasnt right.

NameChange30 · 15/02/2016 21:08

It's a common myth that it can't be "real" abuse if it's not physical. That WA and the Freedom Programme aren't for you if you haven't been hit. They are for you. The emotional abuse will be MUCH harder to recover from.

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