He was logging onto POF while with me!

[valentinespissed]

8th date

All going well.

Not sure we have had the exclusivity chat or not but he'd certainly said he just flicked through dating apps and wasn't intending to see anyone else and was happy to explore us.

Don't ask me why but he was on his way over for a Valentines night last night (I am not online dating) and I just did a search on POF and saw he was online.

He logged on numerous times on his journey over, he logged on this morning when I was in the shower and he logged on about 5 minutes after he left my house :(

This is really bad isn't it?

But you aren't happy with that are you? So no matter how nice he is or whatever, that's always going to be in the back of your mind. I wouldn't be able to progress with someone if I didn't feel comfortable with something they were doing, had expressed that and they carried on anyway.It might not be an issue for some people, but it is for you, and I don't see either your or his position on that changing really. It doesn't seem like a recipe for happiness op, sorry.

he says he hadn't ever taken them down for anyone And he wonders why he's still single?

I would ditch and move on.
He's never taken it down for anyone, wow what a catch.
You are worth more, and willing to accept less. It's not making you happy, you are insecure and that will totally show to him. He is obviously a bit of a player, either stringing you along, or stringing women online on. Is this really someone you want to have a ltr with???

I just feel sick

He is mesaging me from work and also logging in every half hour.

What a bastard.

And he says he doesn't like OD? He only did it as his friends egged him
on?

Yet he says he's never taken a profile down for someone before?

I'd ditch this one. I think he's hooked on the whole concept of OD being a sweet shop of potential women. Out of respect for you, he should not be talking to other women - not after 8 dates! He's keeping his options open. And I think he's incredibly fucking cheeky.

With your trust issues (I get that entirely), I'd cut my losses. There is no way you are ever to be able to relax with him and feel safe and secure. He's been clever about it by doing that whole "I'm being honest" crap about still talking to women - it's quite a subtle manipulative way of giving the impression that he's being upfront with you, whilst getting to keep his options open.

I phoned him up and he denied being online, then said he just checked messages. Denied messaging someone else. I told him I knew he was lying and he went quiet.

I told him I didn't want to see him anymore :(

Feel very sick

OP after seeing the guy 8 times you're virtually stalking him online that's not right. Yes its a red flag that he's talking to others I guess if he was bang into you he would stop naturally without any encouragement from you, however I suspect you are setting major alarm bells off with him by phoning him and questioning him when he's been online etc - that would turn me right off to be honest, feeling like I was being monitored, particularly when he's been honest about being online.If you've truly finished it, its for the best. Please please leave it alone.

Have never been on OD apps but have heard some pretty awful stories about how they do keep you logged in etc like Facebook.

Tbh I think there are two issues here really. The first is that for you the idea of someone you are seeing being on old apps clearly doesn't work for you, and there's nothing wrong with that. It wouldn't work for me either. And from his perspective the idea of coming off of OLD in the first few dates doesn't work either and at least he has been honest about that.

But on that basis it seems that this relationship probably won't work for you, but that being said I would still have the chat to see where you're going and make a decision from there.

However, you do seem to have some pretty significant trust issues, and tbh needing to constantly check whether he is on POF to the point that you know that he is logging in every half an hour and have convinced yourself that he is "100% chatting to another woman" really isn't healthy and has the potential to destroy any future relationship you have. The current status of the relationship aside, that level of paranoia and needing to check would be considered a red flag in the beginning of any relationship.

While it's understandable that past issues have led to where you are with regard to your issues of trust, any potential future date shouldn't be expected to be responsible for your past issues. I would suggest you seek some help to come to terms with the past and to help you move forward before embarking on any relationships in future.

Problem solved - you won't be seeing him anymore so you can move on.

He was open by saying that he was checking messages but had no plans to meet up with anyone. Basically he was telling you that you were fine for now but he was keeping his options open.

There was a documentary on the radio the other day saying online dating was a disaster for people wanting to start relationships. Basically the whole, 'is there someone else out there even better?' dream makes online dating highly addictive and difficult to give up even when you've met someone you quite like. Unless you meet someone where it's all head-over-heels-love-at-first-sight then people tend to keep dabbling in online dating just in case rather than invest some exclusive time getting to know someone who is only three-quarters perfect.

I'm only in my thirties but happy to say online dating wasn't around when I was last single - thank goodness!

He's miraculosly not logged in since out conversation.

I know what you mean about me being stalky, and I wasn't at first but he felt guilty to me. I can't explain how or why but he just did. I'm okay with living with being a bit stalky and anyone who cares about me and knows what I have been through would hopefully care enough to just respct that.

I agree OLD people always think there is something better coming along but if he thinks that let him keep moving.

Bloody hell op. You've dumped him and you're still stalking him. You sound like a bunny boiler.

And no, there is a difference between being understanding of the fact that someone may have had a bad experience in the past and that may lead to some insecurities, and expecting someone to respect the fact they need to snoop/stalk them 24/7 and subject them to constant scrutiny over who/what/when/how/why they are talking to someone. I would run a mile from anyone like that and would advise anyone else to do the same.

And if a woman posted on here that a new man was subjecting her to that level of control/insecurity she would be told "the hills are ... That way."

Not clearly talking.. If the app is open it says you are online if you aren't looking at it..and he could have just been swiping the meet mes idly...just as he could have been looking at women's faces on the bus.

wannabe, I used to be the most trusting person in the world, and now every single time I get a "feeling" I am going to listen to it.

I haven't had "a bad experince in the past".

I caught my fiance on Fab Swingers fucking other people's wives while they watched.

I caught the man after that being married to someone else.

I caught the one after that dating to people at the exact same time for the six months I was with him and had no idea.

I am sorry if you feel I should only have "some" insecurities, but what I am learning is that when it comes to online dating, the majority (not the exception, the majority) of men on there are full of it.

Then OP the first time your alarm bell rang and you were unhappy seeing him online you should have listened to your 'feeling' and left it then, don't you think?

Otherwise you're just letting the past dictate your future.

The problem with checking on him every time that you get a "feeling" is that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you see nothing, you'll keep checking. If you see something, it reinforces that you were right to check. Then you keep spinning in that same circle.

You have had some really rough luck with OLD, and I don't blame you for being suspicious, but I think it'd be a better use of your time to analyse whether you have a tendency to like men who are more likely to cheat, and how you can feel secure without needing to check on future partners. After all, even if a new guy closed his OLD down, it doesn't mean that he's not on it, just that he's using a different name/a phone app/texting people. Unless you're going to check his phone all the time or monitor his emails, there's no way to know.

I'm sorry that he was a dick. I'd have left as soon as he said that he wouldn't take the profiles down - not because I don't trust people, but because that was a massive indication of what you mean to him. It's interesting that you're so keen to defend your right to check on him, but you accepted that from him. Do you tend to worry about upsetting people you like? Do you give off the impression that you're a walkover?

It is important to listen to your instincts, but there's a difference between this and checking if he's been online every half an hour - you can see that, right?

Also OP at the start of this thread you admitted you'd 'randomly checked' his online presence a few times. As the thread unfolded it became clear that really wasn't true was it, you are constantly checking him. That's compulsive and as the PP said a self fulfilling prophecy. I think you need to look at the compulsion to check, it really will take its toll on any relationship. For what's it's worth the facts are you were 8 dates in, he freely stated he was still on POF, you chose to keep having dates with him then got upset that he was true to his word and stayed on POF. In the nicest possible way OP,this is your issue to look at or it will drive you crackers.

Maybe the answer is to just not date anyone who is online dating.

I don't think I like men who cheat. But then it all started when I started online dating, which is why I don't have profiles anymore. It's full of nutters

I didn't leave when he said he wouldn't take the profiles down because I felt like I was letting my past dictate my future by doing that but like you say that is better than allowing it and then stalking.

Yes, I tend to worry about upsetting people I like and you're right the actions you suggested would hve been much better. I wasn't okay with it and should have just said that. If he'd properly liked me he'd have been happy to take them down. Easy enough to put them back up

I met my DP on tinder OP , and about six or seven dates in during a conversation about tinder etc I mentioned (testing the water as we women do) that another guy on tinder who I'd started talking to before and continued to whilst dating DP had asked to me meet . His response was "well at this stage it's not for me to say you shouldn't date other people too" . It stung but he was actually right, we'd seen each other a handful of times. I never checked whether he was still on tinder (DP) as I knew it would drive me mad...anyway a year and a half later we are very happy together, both came off tinder after two months (he may have been a bit before me) I never met the other guy and I found that taking it slowly and letting it grow organically from dating casually to becoming an item without either of us questioning or scrutinising really cemented us gently together over time, like it used to happen. OLD is a tool to meet someone and everyone on it is an individual. There are good guys and idiots and I would say at least half the guys who are branded as bad guys on here are actually just normal decent guys who are talking it slowly, that's my honest opinion.

I know slowdecrease, and I accepted (reluctantly) him still being on there and even accepted he would message other people (reluctantly) and event accepted that he might want to go on a date with someone else (reluctantly).

I don't think I accept him messaging someone else from the train on his way over to our valentines date, or messaging them from my bed this morning, or the moment after he left my house and kissed me goodbye or seconds after he texted me to say he'd got to work safely!!!

That's not a normal start to a relationship. He's a dick!

And yes he was messaging people, he went quiet on the question!

Well you are best rid then-hopefully the next one will be a keeper-they can't all be nasty bastards.

AnchorDownDeepBreath v wise words

But OP, not to labour the point - you accepted him being on there and messaging and even potentially dating someone else - reluctantly or not you went along with it. So then you don't get to feel wounded by him doing it, you just don't, whether its at your house, on the way to it, on the way away from it or not. You can't move the goalposts - well you can, and you have. Next time say from the outset, I'm not ok with you being on there still to be honest so I don't think we'll see each other again OR alternatively be accepting as you were this time but let go of the reluctance to accept it or the feeling that you have any control over it. Just enjoy dating. If this was the right man for you (which he clearly isn't which doesn't actually make him a dick at all, just the wrong one for you, at present) it would have evolved naturally. however the best way to kill any relationship progression stone dead from the outset is to set out online stalking and obsessing over someone you've seen for a matter of days. You surely agree thats true?

What are you going to do differently next time?

It seems you are trying too hard to be the 'cool girlfriend'. You need to decide what your boundaries are and stick to them. It is reasonable to not want someone you are sleeping with talking and chatting to others, that would be a boundary lots would have. If that is what you want then stop compromising by dating a person and sleeping with them regardless as you will only make yourself feel bad.
Make sure anyone knows you expectations, if you fear saying what they are for fear of losing them, you are already on a hiding to nothing and misery. You have to believe you are worth the boundaries you set, and be willing to end things if these boundaries are being broken.
Personally, I'd of already dumped without needing to ask, but that's just where I set the bar.