Someone please help me

[Longingtobehappy]

I've been up for hours my heads aching my eyebrows are hurting I'm so stressed I've been crying for ages. My poor sweet innocent dd is here asleep and I want to do what's right by her. I stayed with her dad and continued to forgive him for mistreating me because I thought he was ill now I believe I was being abused.

Last night ex and his mum told me it was my fault, his mum said I was controlling, and I should have been helping him get better not having a go at him all the time.

I've worked so hard at helping my ex beat depression, I went to every visit with mh team to support him, visited him in hospital when he went in for a few days a couple of years ago, took on the role of carer, he constantly told me he wanted to kill himself and I have so many flashbacks wrestling pills off him, taking bleach off him, hiding his medication so he didn't overdose, taking knives off him. He was psychotic at that time too and it was terrifying going through that with him, calming him down when he was trying to drown out the noise of the people he could here, I'd take him out for tea and he would tell me they were sat at the next table watching. Our relationship became so consumed in the illness that I lost myself. It really took its toll on my mental health and I reached out to his best friend, who came over and accused me of causing his mental illness. I was devastated, and felt helpless.

During this period he swore at me, shouted at me, and hurt me although unintentionally during wrestling matches to take the pills off him so he couldn't overdose, or clinging on to him begging him not to leave after he threatened to throw himself in the river. I would sit and cry after using all the energy o had to stop him hurting himself. One time my big toe was injured bruised bled and the nail fell off completely. I remember ringing the ambulance to help him when he locked himself in the bathroom with the pills, they sent the police who took us to hospital. When we got there ex convinced me he had calmed down and didn't need to be seen by mental health team anymore, so we walked home. My toe was so sore I was hobbling but I knew what it looked like and I didn't want people to think he had hurt me intentionally so I said nothing.

A few months later I had a seizure that went on for an hour and nearly killed me. I was admitted to hospital for a week and my ex stayed with me everyday and night. I was so glad of his support and really felt like we had reconnected again.

We moved to a new place and saw it as a fresh start, but the swearing at me and shouting continued, he would go in to rages during a argument and smash things up, he threw my lamp my dad bought me but replaced it after, he threw my picture frame and it held a picture of my dog who had died it fell to peices. One Christmas he smashed up the tree, picking it up and bending it in half throwing decorations everywhere. He would shout so loud during arguments that a neighbor came up asking if I was ok, I was cowering on the floor scared of his temper, ex told him everything was ok and he left after telling me if I need anything he's downstairs. Ex then went to bed and said his apologies and it was pushed to the back of my mind again.

A year on he seemed better, we had been getting on well and it felt like we were back to how we used to be. He proposed and I said yes and shortly after we conceived our dd. We were over the moon, he came to nearly all the scans with me but the yelling continued, I never felt it was abusive just that he couldn't control his temper, but I remember sitting in the room where all the babies things were, I felt comforted by her belongings and would hold them and cry. He would come in and out inbetween raising his voice and apologising but I didn't want to hear his apologies I just wanted to be alone.

Further in to the pregnancy we moved again to have more space for the baby, we got a lovely house and it was my favourite time in my life leading up to dds birth. Ex was fantastic, he took two weeks off for us and was a doting dad, I struggled to bond until about a month so had my own issues to get through too. Around then we started fighting again, it would escalate so quickly and I couldn't calm him down. I would tell him don't raise your voice to stop him from blowing up but it still happened, he would then throw things around. Whilst shouting and storming around.

One time I called the police because he pushed me on to the bed lent over me and screamed in my face, he blocked me from getting out of the room and to my dd, we both pulled at the door and it ended up coming off the hinges. I ran to dd and picked her up, he said give me my fucking baby, I said he needed to calm down. He then packed his stuff and left. I walked around the house a bit in disbelief and that was the first time I thought he did mean that, that wasn't his illness, I went back in to the room and saw a knife on the side. Freaked out I phoned the police and they arrested him later releasing him as I didn't want to press charges and said I was concerned for his safety. I convinced myself he must be ill he wouldn't just do that to me no matter what annoyed him.

After that social services got involved due to police referral and spoke to us both, we both understood the effect that had on dd, that it's not acceptable behaviour and that he would begin anger management to solve the problem.

He left me twice again since that time telling me we were better off without him, tell dd he loved her, how he doesn't want to live anymore, and again I went to his defence concerned for his mental health and we reconciled. Neighbours have got involved posting notes when he's not there offering help soneone to talk to, so it must be load when he does lose his temper.

The last time was three weeks ago when I left and haven't been back, we got in to another argument he then wouldn't leave me alone, he kept following me wherever I went, telling me I had to talk to him even though I just wanted to be left alone. He ended up screaming at me telling me to push him down the stairs, I ran off crying and he followed me again I said I was going to ring the police and he took my phone off me saying no you're not, threw it on the floor and stood on it. I pleaded with him to stop asking what was he doing, he went downstairs with it and I went in to the bathroom. When I turned round he was there, he had a knife in his hand, he closed the door and shut me in with him, sitting infront of the door. He told me to watch him kill himself, he yelled at me to sit down next to him and kept pointing with the knife hysterically. I was crying in the corner begging him not to do it. He held it against his throat and kept telling me I was going to watch him die and then crying. He threw the knife a few times as if to stop and then decided not to. I kept begging him to stop and let me out which he eventually did. I remember fearing he would turn the knife on me, I thought he might throw it at me as I went downstairs to get dd. I've never been so scared in my life but I stopped to make sure he had rang his mental health team and someone was on the way. I told him we loved him and not to kill himself before I left.

Since then he realised I wasn't coming home unless he recognised he needed help and we were able to feel safe. Since then him and his mum have told me I shouldn't wind him up, I should stop badgering him, I should have took myself out on a walk or gone in to a different to calm down. I tried to get away from him, I tried to calm him down before it escalated and I'm traumatised by the experience, he still continues to tell me he's going to kill himself texting me how many tablets he'd counted what lethal cocktail he could make with his medication despite knowing how distressing it is for me hearing him threaten divide all the time, I feel as though I'm being blamed for it, like I incited the argument and wanted it to turn out like that.

Please don't tell me I shouldn't have ha da baby with this man, I didnt think he would become depressed again or that I would end up in that situation. I thought he was 'losing control' because he was ill but I've been looking online and it doesn't sound like thats the answer, it sounds like he was depressed but also abusive. I'm so confused and my head is all over the place. I never wanted to make him ill. I loved him I still do, I still long for the normal days a normal life a happy family and home for dd like planned. Now I have him asking is it too late for us and his mum threatening to take me to court for him to get access to see dd, when I dont think he's safe to

[Longingtobehappy]

I just want to thank everyone for there positive comments and support. I am going to start my journey of recovery, I want to show my dd that we deserve better. We deserve to live in a home without violence without aggression, without fear. I am going to go to counselling and let it all out there, all the suffering that I've covered up to protect him. I don't want to say I'm used to it anymore. He's tried his best to destroy me but I will do this