When does it get easier? Does it get easier? Is this it?

[Bumblesquat]

Today (Feb 14th) is the third anniversary of the day I was first told that my husband had had an affair with my then best friend. Today always sucks. Will there come a point when it doesn't suck? When it isn't the there like a little pokey goblin at the back of my mind, niggling me that he's not to be trusted. I have worked so hard to move past it, so has he in his own way. Is this it? Am I always going to feel like I wasn't good enough, and will I always doubt whether I am?

This is uncharacteristicly maudlin for me: I normally just plough through the sore stuff and power on with the things I have some control over. Sadly I'm no closer to feeling like I have the power over the maudlin bits and it's weighing on me today.

So sorry I if upset you Bumble. I was so cross for you when I saw your dh and best friend had cheated before the wedding, that my post was pretty sharp.

You don't have to justify any decision you have made to me or anyone else. Every post is just a snap shot of a life. I couldn't tell you why I've made some of the more bizarre decisions I have in my life, so I doubt anybody else really could !

You sound so kind, considerate, smart and self-aware. I think you've given your situation your best shot, but you know that phrase you can't clap with one hand ? You need your dh to put in the work as well, but he doesn't seem able or willing.

If you leave you won't have failed - yourself, him, your child, anybody. Your marriage started in almost impossible circumstances, I think it's a testament to you that you made it work at all.

Remember, nobody will give you a medal in 10 years for still being in an unhappy marriage, they'll just be sad for you.

A mistake?
What his cock falling into her vagina!?
I don't think so.
That OP, is NOT a mistake!
That is calculated lying and cheating of the highest order!

Dust, thank you for clarifying your previous post. The thing is, when I talk to him about effort etc, he really believes he is putting in the effort. So either I am truly odious to live with in the wake of it all (pretty direct insinuation on his part the other night), or my standards and expectations are too high. Thanks you also for your final paragraphs, it's always useful to have a bit of external perspective. I don't want an unhappy marriage, I would rather be married to the man I am, AND happy. But I can't have that then I shall have to bring an end to it, it's not even really about being happier, it's about being able to look myself in the eye.

He said this morning that my continuing pressure for him to read the pdf linked above (I've reminded him three or four times that it's important to me that he read it, and outlined how much positive help it could give him in helping me come to terms with it all) will force him to read it with a negative attitude. I simply told him that I am not prepared to go on feeling as I do, and that he can read the book or not, but that I shall be taking steps to improve my life so he should really be forewarned and read the bloody book...

We shall see...

Hellsbells, I take it you're angry, hopefully for me and not at me, sadly it doesn't really help me. Yes he may have cheated and lied an manipulated, or he might have been tempted and gone astray and then struggled to find his way back again. I choose to work on the basis that the second supposition is true, because otherwise I am such a fucking loser and have no judgement when it comes to choosing friends and lovers. Come and sit in the mud and the murk with me, then judge me, it's harder to do down here.

His current behaviour fits the script for someone described in the pdf and elsewhere who wants his partner just to "move on", and shut up about your feelings. It also sounds quite manipulative.

You are not a loser, but unfortunately it seems far more likely that he has lied and cheated over a long period of time than been "led astray" (which is a silly concept anyway: he has a brain and free will!) . You have very generously given him many chances. Doesn't sound like he appreciates this!

i think you are working thru what you have to and will make your decisions in the time that is right for you,op. I am appalled that the 2 of them told you what they were doing and continued to do more. I am angry that he did not engage in counselling and is refusing to read the pdf. Please set up a proper path for a new life-job,roof overhead,lawyer to sort out financials,visits for dc etc. It seems like hard work to get free of a marriage ,but the work you are doing now to stay in this marriage is far harder.You and your dc will have a happier life.

I don't think he even realises he's trying to manipulate. Does that sound mad? It probably does. I think he just feels that this must all be resolved by now, because time has passed and I haven't spent every day of the last three years throwing things and bawling my eyes out. From what he's said since Sunday I think he feels I've backslid to a place from a long time ago, and it's nothing that he's done. In a way he's right: he's done nothing since Sunday to trigger my memory, the calander has done it for me, and now I have had enough of feeling like this.
I sort of hope that he will realise this time I won't back down at the brink of relationship collapse. I can't, I won't, I cannot inflict my distorted sense of marital responsibility on my dc, because I have mirrored my mother and it has lead me here. So either he walks this path with me, or I walk it alone.
I'll give him a week to start reading the pdf. Then I guess I'll have an idea of whether or not he has any intention of letting the dynamic change at all.

keep travelling on the path to a new life for you and your dc,op. When he was having it off with your 'bf' he thought it was ok . whatever he's doing now, you are supposed to fit into the role he has cast for you. Can you write down your description of that role? It will shock you.