When does it get easier? Does it get easier? Is this it?

[Bumblesquat]

Today (Feb 14th) is the third anniversary of the day I was first told that my husband had had an affair with my then best friend. Today always sucks. Will there come a point when it doesn't suck? When it isn't the there like a little pokey goblin at the back of my mind, niggling me that he's not to be trusted. I have worked so hard to move past it, so has he in his own way. Is this it? Am I always going to feel like I wasn't good enough, and will I always doubt whether I am?

This is uncharacteristicly maudlin for me: I normally just plough through the sore stuff and power on with the things I have some control over. Sadly I'm no closer to feeling like I have the power over the maudlin bits and it's weighing on me today.

I ended my relationship just under a year ago(many years together and children). He didn't have an affair but our situation lead to him betraying me, utterly failing to support me and acting towards me in ways I would never have believed. He never seemed truly sorry and never explained why he had acted so. The situation also involved a number of others very close to me.

I spent a year trying to forgive/forget/move on etc. Every day I woke up and felt like there was a heavy weight on my chest. It didn't matter what I did the thoughts and feelings were always there.

Eventually, with a phrase from MN ringing in my ears I decided that I did "know my own worth" and have cut him and the others involved from my life. It has been very hard at times, but I could not have carried on as I was. Now I feel stronger, have peace of mind and am rebuilding my life.

I think three years is an awfully long time to feel as you do - how do you see things changing in three years time ?

Agree with the above poster- 3 years is a very long time.

I would have thought that if your relationship was worth saving you would feel considerably better by now.

Personally I think you are going to suffer for a very long time if you stay with your sh.

It's your call.

I would be very worried that your ex friend described what happened as 'rape'.

I ended a relationship when my partner was texting s good friend of mine. Nothing happened between them but quite frankly I can feel bad enough about myself without some bloke rubbing salt into the sounds.

What hype of person shags/ gropes or makes any kind sexual advance towards their wife's friend?

A shit one that's who.

She never actually went so far as to accuse him of rape. Critically she backtracked weeks later without any coaching. Her story went from being quite dark and insidious to them being equally guilty of engaging in various sex acts.

If I believed him capable of rape I'd have left him for good at the time.

I should say that I don't feel as low as my OP suggests all the time. I find some things really quite triggering, 14th Feb especially. But for the most part it's a low level sadness, like a grieving process I can't quite bring myself to acknowledge. I spend a lot of time squashing the sadness/triggery thoughts because it makes things messy. I wonder if part of why I've not made much progress with my emotions is because I can't fully engage with them?

It's interesting you say that your sad thoughts make things "messy" ? How so ? It sounds like you're desperate to have the family life and relationship you expected/wanted before the affair. That's perfectly understandable, but that cannot be the case now, can it.

If you're constantly pushing things to the back of your mind, trying to have the good life that you feel your dh and your ex best friend are experiencing,you're living a lie. Never lie to yourself.

I don't see why or how you could or should squash your emotions. If 3 years in I was in your position I think I'd be raging, full of anger and frustration. Why the hell shouldn't you feel like that ?

Your best friend and your husband ! I don't think any version of their stories would make me feel any better. You must be made of strong stuff.

The unpleasant allegations are not unusual and they are caused by shame from her.

You both need to read this short book by a MC with 30 years experience, and endorsed by many more MCs.

It is a specific list of non negotiable actions and attitudes that predict where your marriage will end up.

Then he needs to embrace and demonstrate all 15 behaviours for you both to be able to move past this.

It is a blueprint for you also to quantify exactly if he is working on it or not.

"How to help your spouse heal from your affair"

www.lindajmacdonald.com/how_to_help_11-06-10_final_pdf-.pdf

I knew very soon which way it would go - and there was no wriggle room for him to minimise or be impatient with my emotions as he was keen to fix it and move on asap (spoiler alert - that is not possible...)

The situation that you are in is probably blunting your emotions, but you have acclimatised to it in time. If you could get a bit of mental/emotional space to feel again you might find that things become clearer for you.

Yes it does make sense, it actually explains it perfectly.

Because it was Valentine's Day that you found out its unfortunately not a date you can easily forget, hopefully time will make it less painful.

I suppose the squashing my emotions thing started because I just wanted my old life back, then my husband's impending bereavement kind of had to take centre stage, and our child was absorbing all our energies for a lot of the last three years, and then all the stuff I read about moving past infidelity seemed to suggest that raking it up and repeatedly going through it with my husband would be worse, not make it better. So now I'm in a place where three years have passed, I've done 10 months of really helpful therapy, but because I still haven't really spent any time expressing how I feel, because I pathologically put other people ahead of me, I feel like I'm going insane. I now can't take the time I should have taken when the whole thing came out, because I have a child and responsibilities and a job and a life. If I take the time and go away and figure out what I want, everything I value will be gone when I come back.
My life is like a bad TV show plotline.

Why would everything you value be gone? Why can't you take the time you need, now?

No time limit on these things! My DH for example dealt with a major emotional issue to do with his feelings about events and relationships in his family 15 years after the key events, because it was still hurting so much.

and then all the stuff I read about moving past infidelity seemed to suggest that raking it up and repeatedly going through it with my husband would be worse, not make it better.

This is so wrong. The opposite of what the MC in the link above suggests.

Anything unresolved and repressed - just eats you up inside, is corrosive an ultimately destructive.

You need to be brave and get it all out on the table. Do this in a safe controlled environment thru counselling. Your DH needs to read the book and then respect how you feel and your needs and then he needs to engage and commit to the process.

This stuff never goes away but colours your emotions and behaviours negatively for ever. As PP said never too late. I have just started counselling for the trauma of loosing a parent in tragic circumstances when I was 6. The unconscious and unresolved grief has hijacked my career, friendships, self esteem, marriage, parenting at different times in different ways. It seeps out and pollutes....let the lid off....it is not that scary.

Sounds like your husband can be included in that tendency to pathologically care for others. It's all about him still. He had urges and just had to act on them regardless, and since then, somehow, because he has had a bereavement, it's ok for him to duck out of all responsibilities in life to the extent that you single-handedly bring up your child as well as working!!
You could be enabling his behaviour to an extent by taking on too much. Sounds like its about time you stopped trying so hard and make him do more. Otherwise, move on as partners should enhance your life, if that isn't happening and you are doing all the carrying, what is the point of them being in your life?

Does he show as much regard for your feelings as you have his? Have you decided, now that you've identified your tendency not to prioritise your needs and wishes and self-care but rather others', to make some changes?

I have made some recent changes. I have one evening a week to myself, where I'm out of the house and totally unavailable for anything I don't want to do. I have proposed couples counselling a few times, previously he has said it would do no good, or would be really one sided, or that things aren't that bad. He does however seem to be listening more closely to me lately, so I might suggest it again.
He has been by no means a total burden in our relationship. He went through a horrific bereavement, and to expect anyone to have to deal with life, a bereavement a young child and a rotten marriage would be too much. So he has dealt with what he can, when he can. I feel like he is finally beginning to resurface from his grief and is able to talk more freely now than he has done in many years.
As for him supporting me, well he provides the bulk of our household income, covers most of our expected outgoings, and does the things I ask him to do (eventually, like many thirtysomething blokes, a lot of stuff has to be repeated before it's taken on board). He was the sole earner during my maternity time, as well. I time when I'm fairly sure he thought I would leave him.

But that's not "support", that's just standard stuff for a parent earning money/more than their partner. And of COURSE he'd pay for stuff during mat leave, that's pretty basic

I think you have been more than generous to allow him all that time and to brush his betrayal under the carpet. It's telling that he is resistant to attending counselling.

Hold up a minute- when you say they'd dented your trust before you got married, do you mean you had suspicions that there was something between you then?

I mean they had a one night stand, came to me and confessed. I think I went through with our marriage for about 100 different reasons, partly because I wanted to believe they'd not do it again, partly because sex without lies and deception and whatnot I can deal with. They came to me straight away, so I dealt with it. What eats me up is that we married and then they continued doing whatever it was they did for 6 months before I was finally confronted with the truth. He then spent another month lying to me before I realised that his reality as he was telling it didn't fit the facts as I perceived them to be.

Duckdeamon I don't understand what more he might do? Genuine question. I've no idea what more he should be doing.

So he slept with your best friend before your wedding and you decided to go ahead with the wedding ? Ok, your choice.

I'm sorry to sound harsh but he showed you the kind of man he was/is - a cheat, disrespectful, selfish, brutal - and you decided to commit the rest of your life to him. In doing so you showed him just how little you were prepared to accept, how low your boundaries were. This isn't a man who's going to come to couples counselling with you.

You say it would be too much to expect him to deal with a life, a bereavement, a young child and a rotten marriage. But it's ok for you to cope with life, your husband being horribly bereaved, a child, being betrayed by your best friend, being betrayed by your husband, a resulting rotten marriage (for you) and now feeling like you're going insane ?

Do you think he worries about you like you worry about him ? Do you think he spends a large part of each day regretting his actions and thinking how to put things right ? He probably can't believe his luck that he's betrayed you in an unimaginably cruel way, and you've buried your emotions to keep everything on track.

I also totally agree with Duckdeamon's comments.

I couldn't read this without replying. You sound so very, very sad and low.
First I want to send you virtual hugs and

Am I always going to feel like I wasn't good enough...
You sound like a beautiful person in your posts; kind, generous in your love, fair minded, devoted, loyal, steadfast. But I wonder can you see what an amazing prize you are? You absolutely deserve a happy marriage. If you're guilty of anything it's not holding yourself in high esteem.

I'm terrified of the idea that it's not fixable. I don't want my marriage to be over
This might seem counter intuitive, but do you think you could face your fear and open up your imagination to what might it might be like not to be married anymore? Free association writing (where you write and write without pausing to consider spelling or grammar, just let it all spill out of you onto the page) might be a useful tool, or you could discuss it with a therapist. I'm not suggesting this as a first step to ending your marriage.
The terror you described comes across in your posts. It seems to me that it is standing in the way of your recovery. You don't dare push him away by expressing your feelings, you are wary of still bringing it up, of not letting it go, etc. But if you want to heal you might have to take the risk that this marriage won't survive an honest, and full expression of your pain.

he is as patient as I believe anyone capable of being with my apparent inability to let go of my hurt
It hurts because you haven't even begun to heal. Being patient is the very minimum you deserve. This isn't about any inability on your part. This isn't, and never has been about what you can or can't do, what you did or didn't do. please read the link cruusshed posted which might give you an inkling of the magnitude of care to which you are entitled, the magnitude of pain and grief you are entitled to express and the magnitude of guilt your DH has not yet begun to fathom. You are like a starving child, pathetically grateful for crumbs.

Please don't read what I've posted here as criticism of you, or of your efforts to salvage your marriage. You posted here wondering if it will always feel so bad, because you're three years on. But in a way you're not. Your pain and suffering got pushed to one side, so really you're only at the beginning. Even if all you had going on was raising a child, the first three years are so all-consuming that you'd only feel like you were coming up for air now anyway. You also put your needs to the side to support him through a bereavement, and that sounds to me like the decision of a compassionate, decent human being. Is there time for you now? Is this a good time to put your needs front and centre and sort this out? Because everything up to this point has been like putting plasters on a badly broken leg. If your child had a broken leg would you be satisfied with yourself for not being impatient when they can't walk fast, being patient when they cry with pain? Or would you be doing everything in your power to ease their suffering?

You seem so small in your posts, like you've curled yourself up tightly; you need to find your strength, claim your space, be BIG. You want a happy marriage then you absolutely need to start claiming your right to what happy wives have!

I don't understand what more he might do
This to me is the crux of the problem! Imagine for a moment that you cheated on your wife, punched a fist through her life, destroyed her trust, trampled on her self esteem, wiped your feet on her soul. Now imagine that person managed to draw on reserves of strength and compassion so deep that she not only stayed with you, but carried you through the worst experience of your life, and imagine coming out of the tunnel of your grief and looking at your child, having missed most of their life so far because you've been wrapped up in yourself. Imagine the gratitude you'd feel for another woman who raised your child while you couldn't? Now how would you begin to express your love and gratitude to this incredible person? What lengths would you go to prove yourself worthy?

You deserve so so so much more. I hope eventually you claim it!

What more could he have done? (Beyond just earning a living and seemingly expecting you to be grateful for this and expect nothing more? )

Tell you the full truth. Give you access to his phone, email, social media etc. Be faithful. End all contact with OW - after their FIRST affair! Do all the things in the article posted above (eg acknowledging pain he caused and not minimising it). Attend couples' counselling. Attend to your emotional needs. Do the things you enjoy. Do nice things for you. Do a fair share of domestic and child-related work.

He doesn't do those things though, does he? Because he's selfish and concerned with himself and his desires.

Firstly OP hugs you sound lovely.

My STBxh affair hit my radar on Valentine's Day 4 years ago. I kicked him out as I was not going to be 2nd best and also because for about 6 mths prior to this I thought I was going mad as I couldn't work out why my marriage was so bad, why I walked on eggshells around him, why he shouted at the kids, why he was arrogant etc etc. It all made sense once the affair came to light.

4 years later this valentines I can honestly say I had one of the best days ever. I have met a lovely man who has completely spoilt me. So for me one terrible valentines has been erased. You can't do this as you are still with your H. Twice he abused your trust. I wouldn't trust him now to be honest - but even if I tried to trust him I don't think I would like him. Ok he has had a tough time - you know what we all have those, endless bereavements, set backs etc etc. But most of us just carry on being nice people and not showing complete disregard for those around us. I think it is time that you reconsidered. That endless sadness in you can in the long run make you very sick. So please think about this and perhaps start enjoying life as it is so short. 3 people that I know have been diagnosed with cancer this week. All under 55. Life can be so short.

The last couple of posts have made me bawl my eyes out, but not entirely in a bad way. Thank you all for your thought provoking insights and comments.

Dust, I married him because I firmly believe we all make mistakes, and if no one ever gave another person a second chance we'd all be pretty fucked. Although I suppose you are right, I have allowed him enough rope to hang us both with. If you had asked me four years ago if I could live with what I live with now, I'd have told you "no" and waffled on about self respect. Reality is never quite so clear cut though.
The OW was extremely manipulative, both of him and of me, on numerous occasions I tried to put distance between her and me, at every turn something would happen, and she would need me or it would be the end of the world. I didn't believe anyone capable of manufacturing the events that kept happening to her, so I overrode my instincts to create distance and kept us all tied together.
After it was all over I went through their phone records and mine: she was in contact with me 100+ times a day, about the same for him. I hadn't realised how much of my life and energy she had eaten up until I cut her out. I think I might have cut him out too, had I not be appalled at the prospect of being the only one left with nothing, when I had put every screed of my being into them both. I look back and can't believe how naive and keen I was. The energy I used to have!

Amy I think you're right: I think I've kind of been in stasis for three years, waiting for a time when all of this might be dealt with. And now it's been so long I'm terrified of upsetting the status quo. Where does one even begin with this sort of trauma. It's like I've been walking around with my heart in a box somewhere else this whole time. Things need to change, I've come through the last three years, so I know I'm strong enough, I just don't if I'm brave enough to risk everything.

I've asked him to read the pdf Cruusshed posted, I'm halfway through it myself. Much of his behaviour has been as many of you surmised. He's not a thoroughly evil man, he's just as human as any of us, made mistakes and I think believed he was protecting me by lying. The truth of it of course is that now I question everything, I fight with myself to trust him, I do things myself rather than rely on him, because I can't risk tipping the balance even a little bit.

Gosh, I've written an essay again. Thank you all so much for sticking with me and ready all this dross I keep writing. It's all pretty free form, hence the godawful spelling and grammar and syntax. Ugh. I used to be smart.
You're all lovely, I'm so sorry so many of you have stood in my shitty shoes.