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Original poster

His family depress me, am I being a snob?

34 replies

amber81 · 29/12/2006 00:02

I met a man online a few months ago, he seemed very nice, he was funny, kind etc but he still lived with his parents which I found a little off-putting but since we were not rushing into anything I put it the back of my mind.

Anyway as he talks about his life "at home" I find it all really depressing but my friend thinks I'm being a snob so I was looking for some other opinions.

Basically it's just him, his mum and his dad, his dad doesnt sound very nice (grumpy etc) and they don't really get on.

So the 3 of them live in a 2nd floor flat, he tells me the flat is such a tip that if anyone went to visit they would have nowhere to sit as there are clothes all over the one "holey" sofa that they have. His mum is in debt (as is he), they have no money, even had to go without a washing mashine when theirs broke, DP comes home from work and sits in his bedroom on the computer. His dad sits in front of the telly and his mum either tries to make conversation with one of them or goes out...I find all this very depressing myself, the thought of 3 adults living in a flat is bad enough but the debt and mess etc...

Im starting to think maybe I shouldn't get involved but is it right to judge someone on their home-life if they live with their parents?

OP posts:
cat64 · 29/12/2006 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

VeniVidiVickiQV · 29/12/2006 00:06

Sounds like he needs to grow up, rather than that you are being a snob.

wethreebobkings · 29/12/2006 00:06

It's not that he lives with his parents so much as his obvious lack of ambition that would worry me. I mean he's a grown man, if it was irritating him he would move out.

idontlikecrusts · 29/12/2006 00:07

Stay away - feel free to learn from my experience.

twinsetandpearls · 29/12/2006 00:08

I think you are being a snob and if you ahve doubts like this early on then the relationship will not last.

When I met dp he lived with his Mum as he had just come out of the army and while he was in the army he spent his money buying a house for his mum, which to be honest she had not looked after and perhaps is not as bad as the one you describe but they have some similarities.

This was not a sign of dp being dull, nerdy or in anyway a bad person but an indicator of the warm kind and generous man who is so secure in his own admirable and lovable qualities he does need fell the need to have a lifestyle just to impress others.

Carmenere · 29/12/2006 00:09

why would you find someone who lives like that attractive? You are not being a snob, you just have standards, not having money is no excuse for living in a tip. I have to agree with cat64 it's about expectations, not snobbery.

twinsetandpearls · 29/12/2006 00:10

I know that dp home situation irritated him but he also felt a need to look after his mum whowas very old and ill had lived a hard life, a commitment that I did not understand but admired him for. Maybe there is a reason he is still at home.

twinsetandpearls · 29/12/2006 00:11

Our washing machine is about to break and we will have to go without until I get paid, I hope no one would judge us for that, altghough they have a right to as I blew the price of a new washing machine in Monsoonlastweek

idontlikecrusts · 29/12/2006 00:18

Was there any indication of duty? If not then it just makes him demotivated, uninspired and incapable in my view.

twinsetandpearls · 29/12/2006 00:37

I can just remember hvaing similar thoughts about dp when I found out he lived with his mum and then I went to visit and it was a hovel, I almost finished with him there and then on the spot for all the reasons given on this thread, but luckily I hung around to find outt the reasons why dp was living the way he did.

Dp is not now and never was demotivated, uninspiring or incapable, he had put everything he earnt while in the army into providing a roof for his mother to live in and since coming out of the army has spent time doing up the house for her so she could live on her own, He shows the same deication and selflessness towards dd and me now that we all live together.

If this man is demotivated, uninspiring and incapable than he is unlikely to be the dream man but amber started by describing him as nice funny and kind.

I am probably going to get savaged now by lots of online couples but if you met throught the internet I would not be surprised if he spends a lot of time on his own in his room on the computer.

jampots · 29/12/2006 01:00

my friend went out with a man who lived with his dad and slept in a sleeping bag on a mattress on the floor. it was ok for a while but the fact he found his lifestyle acceptable got to her in the end and they split

DeepPann007 · 29/12/2006 01:10

I don't think it is as clear cut. Bit of a cause for concern yes.
An army life is pretty fracturing for a civilian life eg, housing options, friends. He DOES show good positive qualities, but would be a bit concerened over the 'responsibilities-avoidance' thing that comes with living with parents and being in the army. If you think he has potential to separate and grow, I would work on it......

twinsetandpearls · 29/12/2006 01:12

we are muddling our men here, it was mine that was in the army and I have no worries or complaints, I was just suggesting reasons why someone may live with their parents as an adult.

twinsetandpearls · 29/12/2006 01:14

He didn;t join the army to avoid responsibilty but because it was one of the few careers that would take on a young man who had very little education but wanted to make something of himself and be able to send money home to his family.

DeepPann007 · 29/12/2006 01:17

sorry twin, yes. Doh!!

'Fraid knowing this takes away some very desparately-needed shine for amber's man....

DeepPann007 · 29/12/2006 01:20

Sorry (again!)..wasn't saying it was/is anyone's intent - just that any 'institution' takes some responsibility away, and the forces no less than many others..hence the post-release difficulties........didn't mean to imply ANYTHING about your man.

twinsetandpearls · 29/12/2006 01:20

Maybe you are right, I suppose the last five years have shown me to give people a chance and to look for the positive in people as you may reap the rewards.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/12/2006 07:10

amber81,

How old is this man?.

Some men do take longer to leave home and stay there for all sorts of reasons. My BIL does so because he has no money and no real job to speak of (has done selection of dead end jobs in small badly run companies which pay poorly). However, its also convenient and his mother enjoys his company unlike his Dad. BIL is now in his early 40s and is residing with his parents in their rubbish tip of a house.

My BIL's biggest mistake was moving back home and his parents biggest mistake were not kicking him out sooner and laying proper ground rules for him to abide by.

Has this man shown any indication to you that he wants to move out of there and start afresh?.

It all comes down to your life expectations and his.

tigermoth · 29/12/2006 08:22

First off, do you believe him? He is making his home sound as unattractive as possible. This may be because he does not want you to visit it in real life. That would sound a big warning bell in my mind. He might have a girlfriend or wife in the background.

Or, he might be genuinely ashamed of his home, but in real life it is not at bad as he makes out. He is making it sound worse than it is, so if you ever visit him, you will be pleasantly surprised.

If his home is as bad as he says, at least he is being honest and not inventing fairy stories online to impress you.

In other words, there is no way you will know if he is telling the truth about his home till you see it for yourself. IMO you can't make a realistic judgement on his home life from online conversations.

Without knowing his age and working background it's difficult to say much about him living with his parents. As twinsetandpearls has shown, there may be really good reasons. Perhaps he is saving up for a deposit for his own home as it seems his parents cannot help him out financially.

In your shoes, I'd want him to tellt me what he does for a living, what his ambitions are - and set that against his home arrangements.

I don't think you can write him off for where he lives, if you do really like him. I think I'd proceed with caution, though.

9BeetrootsDancing · 29/12/2006 08:42

It is not to do with being poor but due to a lack of respect for himself and his environment.

He does not clean and tidy the house, he just sits on a computer all night.

he is in debt - a worry if you are considering going into a reletionship with him.

I would steer well clear - you will end up being his mummy !!!

Original poster
amber81 · 29/12/2006 11:40

He is 26, he went to university until he was 18 and basically ran up huge debts and spent the entire time "living the uni life", he gave it up before he gained any real qualifications and when he ran out money and had to go back to his parents house.

Then he worked with cmputers for a bit and then he got a job as a shop assistant which is what he's doing now basically, minimum wage, awkward hours and everyone he works with is either alot younger than him (i,e, in their teens) or blokes that are having affairs and brag about it etc!

He;s not saving for a deposit, he hasnt saved a penny, infact his bank balance is in the red, the only time he's expressed a wish to move out was when he got with me but then I was wondering is he just wanting an easy ride? to move from one ready made home to another?

He doesn't help his parents around the house, doesnt cook or anything like that and he doesnt help them out finantially unless it's to do with the car (and thats only because he uses it). His poor mum doesnt get home from work until 10pm and he and his dad actually wait for her to come home so she can cook their tea...sometimes he's been really hungry but waited for her anyway.

On the other side though, when he's here he keeps saying how he'll change when he's moved out, he cooks at my house and has done the odd job around the house and has said he's starting to clear his debts....but when he tells me about his credit card going down he focusses on the increasing available credit which makes me think he's just glad to be able to use the cards again?

I don't know, he seems like a nice bloke but I know I don't want his life-style and I'm not sure I'm convinced he will change if he moved out.

OP posts:
QuootiepieTheNewYearsAss · 29/12/2006 11:43

I couldn't deal with that. (again). I sound so awful for saying this, but, aim higher.

Carmenere · 29/12/2006 11:47

OFGS! He waits til his mum comes home to cook his dinner Run, run for the hills, he is a grown man and will not change.......................

Sobernoel · 29/12/2006 11:54

Apparently the average age for men to stop living with their parents is 29. He sounds a bit of a slob and if it's true that he and his dad sit at home all evening being hungry, that's just weird. But there's nothing wrong with 3 adults living in a flat per se. It's how you live, not where you live.

Sobernoel · 29/12/2006 11:55

He can't have gone to University til he was 18, unless he dropped out in his first year or started when he was 15.

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