His family depress me, am I being a snob?

[amber81]

I met a man online a few months ago, he seemed very nice, he was funny, kind etc but he still lived with his parents which I found a little off-putting but since we were not rushing into anything I put it the back of my mind.

Anyway as he talks about his life "at home" I find it all really depressing but my friend thinks I'm being a snob so I was looking for some other opinions.

Basically it's just him, his mum and his dad, his dad doesnt sound very nice (grumpy etc) and they don't really get on.

So the 3 of them live in a 2nd floor flat, he tells me the flat is such a tip that if anyone went to visit they would have nowhere to sit as there are clothes all over the one "holey" sofa that they have. His mum is in debt (as is he), they have no money, even had to go without a washing mashine when theirs broke, DP comes home from work and sits in his bedroom on the computer. His dad sits in front of the telly and his mum either tries to make conversation with one of them or goes out...I find all this very depressing myself, the thought of 3 adults living in a flat is bad enough but the debt and mess etc...

Im starting to think maybe I shouldn't get involved but is it right to judge someone on their home-life if they live with their parents?

I'm not sure on his exact age, he told me he dropped out in his second year and as far as I know he started at 17? so that would have made him 19 when he dropped out. Im not 100% on that.

I'd leave it really. He has no ambition and treats his mum like a slave - not good qualities imho. I knew a guy like this and lived with him for a while. Love is blind as they say. When he first moved in with me he used to cook and iron my clothes for work. Over the months he reverted back to sloth and the scales fell from my eyes and we parted. I look back and think I was conned completely - had I not have had the job, flat, car I don't think he would ahve moved in - I was his meal ticket! Watch out!

I don't think there's a 'magic' age by which a man should have moved away from his parents.
But I would certainly question both his lifestyle and the fact that he says he's in debt when he's still living with his parents at 29.
I don't think it's snobby to find that unattractive.

From your more detailed descrition I would stay clear, from when I met dp the one thing I notcied about him was his ambition to better himslef and to provide a much better life for his family than he ever had.

amber81

This is exactly what my BIL was like when he was younger - stuck in a selection of dead end low paid jobs. Don't get involved with someone like him because they are incapable of change.

My BIL is now in his early 40s and still at home with his parents who cannot and will not kick him out. They have all become codependent. He is dependent on them in so many ways; both his parents deprieved him of making him responsible for his own actions. They are partly responsible for making him the person he is.

You really do NOT want to be a mother substitute to someone like him. Walk away luv.

Amber I think he IS my OH.

My OH has achieved the impossible and has qualifications that don't exist/can't exist and dates that don't add up. He now talks about killing me and regularly tries to overdose. This is all to cover up the failure that he is. I've tried to care for and encourage him despite his compulsive lying and deluded state.

WALK AWAY! YESTERDAY!!

Dropped out at 18? You start at 18.

debts??? he lives with his mother ffs.

RUN AWAY NOW!!!

He'll have started at 17 if he was Scottish, but even so....

I personally would scarper. Now.

sounds like he needs to grow up, get independent of his parents, move out, even if it's a room in a shared house. if you want to hang around while he does grow up (and don't feel under any obligation to!) then DON'T let him move straight from his parents to your place, he has to learn to live, do chores and budget independently, i.e. become an adult.

And don't worry about thinking you shouldn't get involved - just because someone seems "nice" doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them!