I don't know what to do - a bit of handholding

[withaspongeandarustyspanner]

I'm not sure if this is best here or in bereavement.

I posted a few weeks back as I thought DH might be seeing someone else. I now don't think this is the case.

DH suffered a bereavement a few months ago. It was a close family member. Around the same time, DH's behaviour (understandably) changed. He seemed quite distant and was finding excuses not to be at home. These things and a few other things, made me feel that something was wrong and I floundered and concluded that he was interested in someone from work. Like I said, I don't think this is the case. I may be wrong, but I think I trust hi on this.

Anyway, the last few months have been awful. More of the same and I've also been suffering panic attacks because of the stress I'm feeling in our relationship. DH is obviously struggling with grief and I feel unable to help. I felt that something had changed in our relationship but I couldn't put my finger on it. I've tried not to badger him as I recognise that's the last thing he needs.

Anyway, last night he told me that about a couple of months ago, something changed and, though he loves me and always will, he's no longer in love with me and thinks it better if he moves out. He said that he can't see a future with me and can't see how he can get back to how he did feel about me. This also corresponds with the bereavement. Almost the same time frame, but he doesn't feel that the two are connected. He feels that they are two separate incidents.

He has agreed to get some bereavement counselling and, after that, will go to relate with me.

What on earth do I do?

This exact situation is happening to close friends of a relative of mine, though in their case the DH has become very religious since the bereavement as well. It is incredibly painful for his wife and children. He just keeps saying he has to be on his own. There is not thought to be an OW.

My reaction to being told of this is that the DH is probably struggling so fundamentally with his grief that he cannot function in any intimate relationship at all (he is still working). Rather than explore this in therapy or trust that in the future he will recover, he is bailing out on his family.

It does happen to people with severe depression too. Sometimes the illness is so serious that people can spend months in hospital and unable to interact meaningfully with others.

The only advice I can offer is that, while I completely understand you need to know you've done everything to salvage things, you can't completely put your own life on hold for your DH. Please don't be there for him to a degree that is not in your own interests or those of the children.

Shit. That is uncanny

DH has definitely said some of those things. Not all. And he's not a bastard. Or hasn't been since I've known him and I've known him for 27 years.

My STBxh wasn't a bastard either but was 44 years old. One of the things he said yo on leaving to be with the ow is that he couldn't Cope with family life anymore. I thought he was depressed and made him go to the doctors. GP said not depressed but his actions were making him stressed - all that lying and leaving two kids!!

DH is 43

My H is almost 40. And that thread was spooky reading for me too. Maybe it is a MLC and the bereavement is a catalyst, and they start looking at their lives and imagining the grass is greener when we know often it is not decide to change it.

I did say to H that it felt like it was easier for him to walk away instead of putting effort into what he had. As tbh his work has always been first priority and all his inability to decide anything for the family, or partake in family life was put down to 'easy going' rather than just didn't give a shit.

I told him that I think he would be much happier if he felt like he was involved in the day to day of family life, and what did he think would happen when he went on to meet someone else? Either be raising her kids or have more, meanwhile already have 2 xw and DC he didn't see much of. He'd end up in the same place in another 10yrs if he didn't sort himself out.

For me know, top priority is getting a job and socking away as much as I can for me and the DC in case he does this again in a year or 2.

The thing is, I may have said unthread, that I've been trying to get him to engage with me about our relationship for years. I told him I was worried if we didn't do anything we could drift apart. He didn't really react - he certainly didn't tell me any of the things that seem to have been such an issue for him.

*upthread

Another night passes and I told him, that though I dearly wish for another outcome, I accept his decision, but would ask that we don't rush things. It's going to be complicated working this around our still very young children.

There is part of me that desperately wants him to change his mind and for his feelings to return and I think the longer he spends with me, there is a chance, albeit a slim one, that it might. But honestly, I feel like I'm making him stay when he doesn't want to and that breaks my heart too.

I feel utterly rejected. He can be so stubborn and rigid in his views sometimes. Anyway, now I have meds. Not happy about that but I couldn't cope with not sleeping and the levels of anxiety I was feeling. I couldn't deal with the children properly. The eldest is only 10.

My DH was very like this after bereavements. He was shagging someone else. Scoured all these threads, couldn't believe he'd do it. But he did.

This sounds shit
Actually, I know you want to keep him around so he changes his mind, and he thinks he can take 6-12 months to leave () but the best thing would be for him to move out in a couple of weeks maximum. Yes you'd both be sad but living like this is awful for you (hence meds) and it's also allowing him to continue his life without following through on the difficult consequences of his decision.
I really think you are more likely to get him back (if this is grief/depression led) by pushing him away and letting him get his head straight than by indulging it and letting hi stay at home and basically naval gaze for months. That will erode his respect for you and erode your mental health.

If he goeshedefinitely won't come back. He's said that much.

Well, just to check back in and let you know that you were all right. He's now been living with the woman since August. I hate it it when MN is right but I hate more that I sound so desperate in my thread. The lying, cheating bastard.

Thanks all - I wish I'd listened to you all. I knew really, I suppose, but I didn't want to hear it.

I just read your entire thread and I'm so sorry it's ended up like this. What a cowardly excuse for a man. I hope you have support around you and are able to forge a life for yourself and your DC's. You come across as a kind, compassionate woman who deserves true happiness

I am sorry. The predictability of these cheating fuckers is easy to see from the outside, but a complete mindfuck when you are in the thick of it.

Hopefully, you can move on now. Older, wiser and less inclined to compromise your own self for a man no matter how much you love him

Was about to post that I think there is OW, his behaviour is classic to the script. So sorry OP, you wanted to believe it was grief, depression but as I was reading I could only think OW.

I know and I was really ill for a while. Totally consumed by it. And when he finally left it was a relief in some ways.

He's been an utter bastard. I know I said he wasn't - but he totally has turned out to be. And best of all he blames me for it and thinks I'm the arsehole. I think my only crime was not rolling over quietly and being agreeable. I have shouted and resisted and been so angry and he hates it. He wanted to walk away with no resistance, no conflict and with me helping to chose fucking curtains and wish him a nice life. Well, I haven't. And I won't.

What has happened is that I've been dealing with the nightmares, the bed wetting, the violent outbursts at home and at school, one DD emotionally overeating and shouting and screaming at me and physical violence from her. But you know what, apparently that's my fault too.

I have met someone lovely. The kids have met him too and think he's great, but apparently the reason they have had such a positive reaction to him is because STBexH is so positive about him. It's utter bollocks of course - we all know that kids have very accurate BS detectors.

I did desperately want him not to leave, and if I'm honest, I still wish it hadn't happened because this wasn't the childhood that I'd've picked for my children. However, I am happier now; he halved me and took my joy and stamped on it. But now I feel that I have found happiness again; I'm happy with myself and my new man is an added, and a very welcome, bonus.

You can't control another person's actions or expect their morality to be like yours; he was probably never someone you could truly trust and I don't blame you for making it hard for him; he's blaming you because otherwise the alternative would mean he would have to admit to himself that he has indeed been a cruel and nasty bastard, ignore him, he's nothing to you now and cannot influence you.

Delighted you have moved on to happier times.

I am so pleased that you have found happiness again OP.

How did you find out about the affair? Did he confess or did you find evidence?

Oh yes, I almost forgot. Marrying me was a mistake and the only good thing to come out of it all was the children.

So that's nice.

There was a text message which, though not explicit, was more than just friendly. We had counselling and I asked him if he'd spoken about having a relationship with her, and reluctantly, he said they had discussed it. I filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery and he has admitted it (though he doesn't believe he should pay for it as there were other reasons our marriage broke down, apparently).