I don't know what to do - a bit of handholding

[withaspongeandarustyspanner]

I'm not sure if this is best here or in bereavement.

I posted a few weeks back as I thought DH might be seeing someone else. I now don't think this is the case.

DH suffered a bereavement a few months ago. It was a close family member. Around the same time, DH's behaviour (understandably) changed. He seemed quite distant and was finding excuses not to be at home. These things and a few other things, made me feel that something was wrong and I floundered and concluded that he was interested in someone from work. Like I said, I don't think this is the case. I may be wrong, but I think I trust hi on this.

Anyway, the last few months have been awful. More of the same and I've also been suffering panic attacks because of the stress I'm feeling in our relationship. DH is obviously struggling with grief and I feel unable to help. I felt that something had changed in our relationship but I couldn't put my finger on it. I've tried not to badger him as I recognise that's the last thing he needs.

Anyway, last night he told me that about a couple of months ago, something changed and, though he loves me and always will, he's no longer in love with me and thinks it better if he moves out. He said that he can't see a future with me and can't see how he can get back to how he did feel about me. This also corresponds with the bereavement. Almost the same time frame, but he doesn't feel that the two are connected. He feels that they are two separate incidents.

He has agreed to get some bereavement counselling and, after that, will go to relate with me.

What on earth do I do?

It does sound like he's depressed. I wonder if he's been so devastated and hurt by the death of his brother that he's unconsciously distancing himself, from you, the children and house, the things he loves so that if he were to lose them it wouldn't hurt as much almost pushing you away to protect himself. If he's feeling disconnected from the children he definitely needs to go to the gp to rule out depression.

How does he feel about that does he recognise it could be depression?

No, he doesn't think he's depressed. He doesn't think he's grieving.

And I totally agree with you about relationships going through peaks and troughs. Iv went through stages when iv not felt particularly in love with my husband. But we split up for 2.5 years at about 20. Wed also started going out at 15. When we got back together my mil who has been married 53 years said to me il give you some advice. You will go through stages in your life where you won't feel particularly in love and they will drive you crazy but don't give up, stick with it and before you know it you will feel loved up. The other option is to walk away and get with someone new and before you know it you will be the exact same with them. A good marriage takes hard work, lots of laughter and perseverance.

Well he's definitely in denial then isn't he, or was he not close to his brother?

I know, my thoughts exactly. He doesn't seem to want this though. He doesn't think he will change his mind. 12 years we've been OK, 2 months he's felt this. And he's willing to walk without trying.

Two months is very very recent in the bereavement process. I do not think he should be making decisions at the moment, he surely cannot be in the right state for that. Meds might well help in the short term, they don't stop you feeling, just maintain you in a place where you can start to heal.

He was close to his brother. He was his best friend.

Ime it is as though I represent their loss. Kind of the easiest person to take it out on, a way to side-step their savage grief.

Ime who I really am is immaterial - I have become a 2D construct to them in order to facilitate their grief. Or, rather, to facilitate them avoiding their grief. Nothing I do or say makes a blind bit of difference. It's as if they're dead.

I'm sorry to say it has been 9 years and nothing has changed - they are still off in outer space somewhere.

I'm sorry to be so bleak.

Then he is in denial and surely that is even more indicative that he's not thinking rationally. He may not be depressed but he's absolutely grieving. Some men are funny about admitting things like that and think it shows a sign of weakness don't they. My dad won't even admit he's drunk (which granted is rarely) or if he's nodded off. They always feel they have to put on the front of being big, strong and brave.

I would just say to him okay well I accept that's how you feel. Let's just leave things how they are for now and stay amicable, wel continue to live as a family and see where time takes us. I reckon he will change his mind. If that's what's going on.

Maybe you could call his doctor and just say you are very concerned for him and his mental health. Would it be possible for them to invite him in under the guise of a check up and take it from there.

That sounds awful springydaffs.

We have the same doctor. Maybe I could go for me and tell him what's wrong as I see it. DH said he will go to see GP to discuss things but I know he will underplay it.

This is such early days after his huge loss. Even six months is considered early wrt processing grief. It can disconnect you so much from your usual reality. He may feel dissociated from everything he held most dear.

Agree strongly with what PP said about you being his safest person right now. By putting you in grief for your marriage could he be trying to displace his which is too painful and raw to face yet?

My husband reckoned not to have felt grief after MIL died, though he was very close to her - said he still felt close to her so all was OK. Meanwhile I had 6 weeks plus of non-stop bad cough (which I never get) and terrible earache and other symptoms. I did wonder after whether his grief had been displaced on to me due to denial on his part.

A bereavement counsellor told me once that far less men come forward for help than women. They recommend at least a year before major life decisions after the death of a close family member - longer if possible. You can't see it when you're in it but these early months are full of coping strategies to get through. Only looking back do you see this.

Please look after yourself - you lost someone too. Good luck with GP

I agree with pps. I think grief is at the bottom of this. He's transferring his feelings about the death of his db, which he doesn't want to confront - too painful - to the other close relationships in his life. The death of a close relative in the same age group is particularly difficult to deal with.

When you're depressed, you can't feel joy or any sort of uplift in your heart, just apathy. I think this is why he's saying he isn't in love with you any more. He just can't feel that sort of emotion at the moment and can't imagine ever feeling it again.

If the text you refer to was part of a thread referring to his loss, I can easily imagine wanting to delete it from my phone.

He's in no state to make any decisions or predictions about how he will feel in the future. He really is not in his right mind at the moment.

He definitely needs help. I think your idea of seeing your GP first is a good one. You need help, too, to cope with this situation and it will be useful for the GP to hear about it from you before he sees your DH. There are bereavement charities whose websites might be helpful, too.

So sorry you are having to deal with this. It isn't personal. Just a symptom of his grief.

I hope so. It seems so sudden for it to be so permanent, unless he's been feeling like this longer than he acknowledges. But, hey - that's marriage, isn't it?

Anyway, I have an appointment with the GP this afternoon. I've barely eaten or slept this week and I'm close to not being able to function. Our poor children.

I've just had a phone call with him. There seem to be quotes few things I've done which have annoyed him severely over the years, some of which he didn't mention at the time, some he did and we dealt with. He sounds pretty annoyed.

I could have written this last year.

My H was exactly the same down to the I love you but I'm not in love with you. We lost our premmie DD end of 2014, and he just couldn't process it. I'd been asking him for months to go see a GP. He got to breaking point and just couldn't cope.

I also had the, there is no rush, I haven't met anyone yet, and he just wanted to be on his own. Unfortunately or maybe fortunately we couldn't afford for him to move out. I was scrambling to find work back in his home country and would have left with the DC if o had found something but didn't.

I was very harsh with him for a few weeks, told him in no uncertain terms what his future looked like, loss of his family, no support from me, seeing his DC maybe 1/yr as we would not be staying in the same country (expats) etc... I then carried on with my life, met friends, went out, organised something everyday to keep myself from collapsing.

I saw he was on the verge of a breakdown and told him I would stick by him until he got to a better place. I also insisted he went to counselling, which he did, he insisted it wasn't marriage counselling as he wasn't interested I in our marriage but for bereavement.

First thing His counsellor told him was you should not make another big life change until 12months after you had finished grieving. As you can't be sure the grief isn't clouding your judgement. He had shut down all of his feelings as he didn't want to feel the pain of our grief.

5 months on he is better, trying to open up and be honest and actually talk to me about his feelings, which he had great difficulty doing before. He is more engaged in family life, working less, and seems to be enjoying life again. I want him to continue counselling but he hasn't been back since the holidays.

I'm sorry this is so long, but your post just struck a chord with me. Look after yourself, keep busy and do some self-care for yourself, try your best not to wallow, know that you can be without your H if he goes down that road and be happy.

Oh yes, my H tried to rewrite history to fit is narrative too, and over the 10yrs of our marriage never once mentioned any issues

The emotions surrounding the death of a close person are incredibly messy. Sadness, relief, anger to name but a few.

Sadness is understandable. Sadness for oneself, sadness for the other people who are also bereaved, sadness for what the person who has died is going to miss.

Relief and anger may feel less 'acceptable' emotions but they are also part of the pack.

Relief that suffering is over for the person. Relief that a sudden crisis has come to an end and that 'normal' can start again.

Anger is I think the hardest. Anger can be at people who are around for not doing enough (even if they did do all that was possible). But there can also be anger at the person who died. Anger for not doing enough to save themselves and also save the bereaved person from all this pain.

It is possible that your DH is transferring the anger he really feels about his brother's death onto you. He isnt allowing himself to be angry at his brother but he is angry so you are the nearest person to be angry at.

My apologies if all of the above is coming across as cod psychology. Much of this I came to understand for myself after my DF died. When my DF died I didnt cry and had no great feelings of grief even though I had been present when he died.

I can remember feeling relieved that the whole wretched process was over. At the same time I felt emotionally remote from my DH. I didnt want him near me. In bed I would push down the duvet between us so that he didnt touch me.

A few weeks after my DF died a character in a soap opera died. I cried in the car over that. I realised after that the pain and sadness I felt was transferred. It was easy to feel sad about the death of a soap opera character because there were none of the other 'messy' emotions.

I do hope that you are able to come through this together.

It sounds as though he may be looking back at life through the dark-tinted vision which goes with depression. This is one reason why he shouldn't be deciding anything at the moment.

My husband lost a close family member and 3 months later we had split..much the same situation as yours. We weren't able to fix things as he had starred seeing someone from work and we divorced.

I consider our relationship fine till that point but I suppose the bereavement made him reconsider what he wanted I'm life

I am preparing myself for him leaving ultimately, but I do want to know that I did what I could and I will encourage him to do the same. It could be a mid life crisis - I get that. He's absolutely adamant that he's not grieving or depressed.

Still don't think there's anyone else, or that he's interested. He says he just wants to be on his own. Funnily enough, when we got together, that's how he thought he was going to spend his days - as a bachelor. There are still things he does from time to time which make me think that's how he considers himself still, in certain circumstances.

I'm heartbroken. I never saw this coming.

In some ways an OW would be easier to deal with. I could hate him, I could be angry - but to know that he would rather be on his own than with me and our 4 children..?

Where is the midlife crisis thread? Is there a link?