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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please hand me a grip, I can't pull myself together

56 replies

girlintheriver · 13/02/2016 14:05

Dh left in December, ummed and ahhed about being with me or not until two weeks ago when he said he definitely wasn't coming back.

We've been together since school, we have three small dc's.

I love him, I am devastated. I'm pretty sure there will be someone else.
I just can't seem to pull myself together and stop crying. Rl friends have been disappointing in their support as has my family who think I should be getting over it by now.

I just feel so alone, I loved him ffs, I was happy (him evidently not) I've never wanted anyone else. I just don't know how to get over this, I don't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying. I just want to feel better. I want a hug, I want the pitying looks to stop at the school gate. Even the solicitors I've seen at the consultations all have a pitying look. I am sick of being asked 'is there someone else.'

I've been off work since he left, I had a meeting with my manager last week and she said 'I can't imagine what your going through, I always think my husband needs me more than I need him so I think I'd be ok if he left.'
I feel like such a failure, I've failed myself, failed my kids and I don't know where to go from here

OP posts:
Original poster
girlintheriver · 14/02/2016 12:59

Thanks amarmai- I wouldn't have thought about new partners being left with the kids. Grr that's made me mad!

Yes I'm aware about the joint account, I just want to clear the overdraft, withdraw what's mine and then close it asap. I don't think he'll object to this once he realises I'm still accessing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
girlintheriver · 14/02/2016 15:15

Well it all went amicably, he agreed to everything I wanted.
He's been to view a few rental properties this week, he's gonna be so skint.
He looks thin and doesn't seem any happier.

I just want to text him and tell him to come back home.......but I won't.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 14/02/2016 16:30

Glad it went well.

When you do have the new partners discussion make sure it sounds mutual ie an agreement between the two of you that you will both be cautious introducing a new partner in the children's lives.

Original poster
girlintheriver · 15/02/2016 09:56

First counselling session today, any ideas on what I should expect?

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 15/02/2016 10:02

It's going to be emotional and tiring. hugs

Dont expect it to change what has happened only to help you work through your future as things stand right now.

hurtandconfued2016 · 15/02/2016 11:48

girlintheriver

my ex left me 6 weeks ago no arguing nothing before he just wasn't happy he said! turns out was for ow that he works with. left me and our 2 year old son and baby due in 2 weeks time.
I was being very amicable for the sake of the kids and didn't want the stress. but today I have just had to send him a lawyers letter because being amicable and friendly wasn't working! please cover your back have everything in writing that you agree and signed by both of you!
I am the same I am still 100% madly in love with my ex but he is now in a relationship with ow and I have had to state in the letter she doesn't meet my children as I am afraid I don't trust him not too!

Robotgirl · 15/02/2016 12:25

Hi OP
Hope your counselling goes/went well
Sounds like are being amazingly strong. Keep posting for support.
You will get there Thanks

Original poster
girlintheriver · 15/02/2016 13:22

I have the solicitors tomorrow for a legal separation document.
I have taken half of the money from the joint account today and got rid of the overdraft. I've told him he needs to open his own bank account and I want the joint account closing next week.

Dreading the counsellor this aft, can't imagine talking to about it with a complete stranger. And the mortifying realisation I might cry in front of her.

Hurt- Thanksfor you. It's truly awful isn't it.

OP posts:
SugarDiabetes · 15/02/2016 14:39

You go girl!
Like you I was left in my very early 30s with 3 under 6s.

Within 2 years I was remarried to a remarkable man. My ex is a shadow of his former self: I look at him with pity, I can't see what I EVER thought was so wonderful about him.

I'm now 50. And I'm fabulous! You will be fabulous again, very soon

Original poster
girlintheriver · 15/02/2016 15:39

Sugar- go you! I need to hear more of stories like yours!

Seen the counsellor, I must admit it felt really good and has given me food for thought thinking about the situation from a different perspective. Already looking forward to the next one.

OP posts:
Robotgirl · 15/02/2016 15:55

That's great you've seen the counsellor. And crying is good!
I always cry when I see my counsellor.
You're being bloody proactive & strong! You sound lovely & your kids are lucky to have such a strong mum Wine

Original poster
girlintheriver · 15/02/2016 18:36

On my own tonight, he's got the kids.
I'm not feeling very strong. Sad
I just want the pain to end, the dreaming of him and him not being there in the morning.
I've made a list of the shit things he did, it's not helping.

OP posts:
glintwithpersperation · 15/02/2016 21:37

Didn't want to read and run. Sorry about the pain. He's a twit, you will get through this in the end. You sound like a great mum and a lovely person.

Robotgirl · 16/02/2016 14:04

How are you doing today, OP?

Original poster
girlintheriver · 16/02/2016 20:43

Thanks all,

Haven't had a bad day today, only cried a little bit, I've refrained from contacting him at all today which I'm proud about.

Saw the solicitor and did the separation agreement, she will send that to him now.

He dropped the kids off at teatime, he has such a look of disdain for me. It's so hurtful when I've actually done nothing wrong and we were together for 14 bloody years.

I wish I could stop missing him

OP posts:
Original poster
girlintheriver · 16/02/2016 20:44

The counsellor suggested I think of a new hobby (not the gym) something where I can meet new people and make new friends. But I'm struggling to think of anything....

OP posts:
amarmai · 17/02/2016 01:22

if you want male company , but not ready to get involved, choose an activity where men are-e.g.political campaigns.

Robotgirl · 17/02/2016 11:20

Running?
When I broke up with my ex, I put the negative energy I was wasting on him into running. Worked towards goals & ended up doing a marathon.

Original poster
girlintheriver · 17/02/2016 18:21

I've started going to the gym a lot, just so it gets me out of the house. The counsellor recommended I try something where I will meet other people. Just not sure how to do that.

I do feel really lonely, my dd has been sleeping in with me every night as we both like the company but I feel so alone when their with him.

I've never been on my own before, it's a hard adjustment. I feel sad every time the kids do something funny or great and I realise I have no one to tell.

How long will I pine for him? I just want to be able to go one day without crying and wishing he'd come back.

OP posts:
amarmai · 17/02/2016 19:17

I find shopping therapy really helps. I go the Winners and look around=exercise, chat to the sales women=social interaction, select an item or two to pay for and try on at home=too much faff to take off all the winter layers in the store, go home and have something nice to eat, try on the stuff and give myself overnight or longer to decide whether to keep= take at least 1/2 back , go back the next day=exercise, socialise , get my $$ back=feel thrifty, look around some more and repeat! Works for me.

amarmai · 17/02/2016 19:19

gym is also a great idea,op. I did that for a year. Can combine or alternate with the shopping .

Original poster
girlintheriver · 18/02/2016 12:46

Amarmai- I like your style!!!

OP posts:
amarmai · 18/02/2016 14:36

thank you,girl! I'll be off to Winners soon to return 2 dresses that i enjoyed picking but after trying them on at home, i have reluctantly decided they have to go back. Soo sad-1 is a grey shift with a SCALLOPED hem and a white collar! = so demure but have to give it up for someone younger ,maybe you? The other is too loose grey shift with a permanently tiny pleated undershift showing about 4 inches at the bottom. I might get a smaller one today when i am out for e&s. Whatever does it for you, go for it,girl.

SnailSpoon · 18/02/2016 14:52

So sorry you're having such a bad time. Maybe start a diary with the funny things the kids do?

Netball is pretty popular round my way and it's way more sociable than the gym. Is there a group that meets near you?

hellsbellsmelons · 18/02/2016 15:10

Have a look on meetup.com for groups in your local area.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
None of us can tell you when the truly horrible pain will subside.
All we know is that it will in time.

As a very very general yard stick, it's about 1 month for every year you've been together to start to really get over it so you have quite a way to go yet.
But you might just find your inner goddess sooner or it could you take you longer.
But you WILL get there.
Just take it one day at a time for now.

The real real pain of your heart ripping apart will start to lessen but not for a while yet I'm afraid.
So right now you need to 'fake it, 'til you make it'

We've been there and we know what it's like but we all handle it differently.
I used to find a corner, curl up in a ball and sob my heart out for hours on end.
I didn't sleep properly for months. The doctor gave me sleeping pills in the end just to get my body clock back to how it should be.
I lived on orange juice ice lollies, sugary tea and soups for weeks on end as I couldn't keep anything solid down.
So make sure you keep your sugar levels up and keep yourself hydrated.

My family and friends were a great support though and that helped me no end.
You will NOT be over this in 2 months. So don't go thinking what your family are saying is true. It's bollox. We all need time, a lot of time.

I did find the routine of work really helped me to get through the days.
Make that your first step.
Make the next step be finding a good family solicitor.

He may be saying he'll agree to everything now but he is NOT your friend.
They all start out like this and there are many on here who can tell you that it doesn't last. So get your legal representation in place asap.

Flowers for you - it's not easy and it's not going to be for a while but it will be OK and you will be OK.

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