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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH just lost it with me

79 replies

NotSpeaking · 13/02/2016 13:50

I'm about to give birth. He was blaming me because I haven't gone into labour yet. Then I asked him why everything good that happens in our lives he takes ownership for, and anything bad he blames on me. He explaIned in our relationship I had caused countless dramas, I then reminded him that I'd be very careful as he had created some major ones. Like seeing his ex behind my back in 2008, having an emotional affair and kissing a girl at his work, a few other unclear misdemeanours which took me a while to get over and I know am able to talk about it without being angry or bitter. I explained I'd rather have my dramas to deal with than the ones he had created in our
Lives. He went ballistic saying he only meant dramas as in day to day, not the other stuff he had done. How convient. Shouting infront of our daughter saying I had a choice if I wanted to stay or not and that I was bitter and if I couldn't let go he would leave. I'm not bitter at all, I was just stating facts. He would not stop shouting and I have been absolutely calm as anything. Speaking to him in a completely adult fashion while he absolutely lost it.
Am I supposed to pretend it never happened or not correct him when his facts are incorrect. When I corrected him when he was recalling events, saying it was 2010 the last time, I reminded him the last incident was actually 2013, he lost it again. I didn't. Sat completely calm. Is he an idiot or should I not being stuff like this up anymore, even though he is saying I create drama in our lives, when in actually factual terms, stuff he has done nearly tore us to Pieces.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotSpeaking · 13/02/2016 16:28

He's calmed down now and obviously wants to make up. As far as I'm concerned he can piss off. I'm not a pushover.

OP posts:

GloGirl · 13/02/2016 16:43

Can you call someone for help?

bigbuttons · 13/02/2016 16:49

Just keep thinking of the stress hormones that have followed your baby's system whilst he was having a rant. What a horrible thing to do to your own baby ( him not you)

DaffyDuck88 · 13/02/2016 16:54

OP, he's an idiot. He has no right to throw past events at you and not expect the same. If you have both agreed something was done with and then he opens the door then, two get to play.

But you've got something more important to focus on, your health and baby. Keep the anger to a minimum if you can, tell him to sod off for a few days if need be, but have you got anyone else to be around for you and you little one or be with you during the birth?

He may be stressed, but tough, he's not about to give birth. After baby comes, if you still feel this detachment, then take it from there. But for now take very good care. Wishing you a speedy, safe and happy labour.

ToastDemon · 13/02/2016 17:10

Oh OP - please ignore the horrible posters who seem to think this whole board is AIBU.
It's utterly shit that he's treating you like this at 9 months pregnant, or at all. No wonder you are numb. I'm glad you're getting angry.
I don't have much in the way of constructive advice but I just wanted to offer you some support under the circumstances.

MataHairy · 13/02/2016 17:22

How can anyone say they're as bad as each other when he blamed her for not going into labour het?.

scallopsrgreat · 13/02/2016 17:28

I can't believe people think the OP is as bad as him! He's rewriting history and then playing the victim when she points out that actually he is totally capable of creating bigger, more serious drama than she.

He sounds horrible. And he's unlikely to get any better. Do you want this same scenario playing out again and again where he lies, blames you for everything and makes it all about him?

And what about when he does it to your children?

He's the drama queen in to relationship. He's projecting.

EweAreHere · 13/02/2016 17:40

He sounds exhausting. He can't only be exhausting for you, your children will be growing up in a house where they have to tiptoe if dad is going off the deep end at mom over every little thing while not owning up to any of his own poor behaviour ... and he'll eventually do it to them, too.

Owllady · 13/02/2016 17:43

This is another leading a horse to water thread, isn't it?
I'm out [dragons den]

AcrossthePond55 · 13/02/2016 17:51

Am I supposed to pretend it never happened or not correct him when his facts are incorrect.

Yes, that's exactly what you're supposed to do. At least that's what he thinks and wants. Makes life very easy for him, doesn't it? He can do whatever and you're just supposed to forget about it. Phfffft!

Remind him of Gen Santayana's very wise saying: "Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it".

No, actually remind him of AcrossthePond's very wise saying: "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on".

Honestly, if there is any way you can leave now, do it. If you can't leave now, cut the communications, forget the 'problem solving' as he'll only listen to or suggest the things that are to his advantage. Instead, just to go your mental 'happy place' and try to be at peace until the baby comes. Then get the fuck out of Dodge.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 13/02/2016 17:58

Can't believe some posters are placing responsibility on the OP for her DH's unforgivable behaviour today. OP you need to end this relationship. You know it, too. You said he wants you to be an empty vessel. And even then, you will inadvertently do and say the 'wrong' thing. The only way you can win is to get out.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 13/02/2016 18:37

I'm relieved to hear that you realise you are numbed by this. Do you realise how much?

I hope you can find a way out of this awful relationship. You don't yet sound as though it's ending is a reality you can envision. You are not talking about leaving permanently, just winning the arguments.

Do you have somewhere you can go?

Original poster

NotSpeaking · 14/02/2016 10:15

Well last night our daughter nearly choked on a ice cube so a momentary truce was held. I thought it might have put things into perspective.
Fast forward this morning and he's ranting about a dent in the fridge, blaming me and saying I'm disrespectful. It's more likely to be our child who is 2 and hits out at everything with whatever comes to hand. I've told him to stop but he can't seem to help himself from continuing.
The more I think about things the more I'm wondering why I'm bothering with this ignorant idiot. I'm about to give birth, Infact I'm nearly 2 weeks overdue and physically and emotionally drained. I feel like just sitting and crying while I've got this idiotic sod down stairs ranting about petty crap.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotSpeaking · 14/02/2016 10:47

So much for Valentine's Day. What a joke

OP posts:

BitchPeas · 14/02/2016 10:55

Can you ask him to leave? Call a family member or friend round to support you.

He sounds like a massive cunt. You are not in the wrong at all.

LuluJakey1 · 14/02/2016 10:58

Could he just be very stressed and worrying about the baby being overdue and have become a bit irrational? He doesn't sound very nice at all tbh but I am thinking there must be something more to him and he can't usually be like this.

When I was pregnant I went through phases whete I hated DH- who is lovely- I absolutely hated him. Could not stand him breathing on the same planet as me and picked fights over him agreeing with me and doing nice things for me. Pregnancy does strange things to couples.

ouryve · 14/02/2016 11:00

Trust me, these, from a stranger, are more meaningful than any v day gestures from that Muppet

NameChange30 · 14/02/2016 11:03

It sounds like he could be emotionally abusive, tbh. OP please read these signs of emotional abuse and see if (m)any of them sound familiar.

Either way, he's definitely unpleasant, he's cheated on you, and you're unhappy. So it's a resounding LTB from me.

Do you have anyone you can talk to for real life support?

HumphreyCobblers · 14/02/2016 11:25

Really, he is such a massive dick I would ask him to leave. Is there anyone who could come round and actually SUPPORT you at this difficult time?

I am so sorry you are having to put up with this. He is just casting around to find things to shout at you about. What a prize arse he is.

Original poster

NotSpeaking · 14/02/2016 11:40

Thanks. I took that test and out of 30 I scored 20. 20 out of 30 things he does. Not great is it.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 14/02/2016 11:42

im sorry hes being such a twat to you again, especially at a time when he should be really supporting you.

It sounds like hes got a habit of making everything about him and youre not allowed to even talk to him about your own feelings about some pretty dramatic stuff. Who supported you when he cheated. Have you been able to work through it, or did you just have to be quiet and pretend you were more ok with it than you were?

HumphreyCobblers · 14/02/2016 11:47

You sound enormously strong though, you are able to confront him about his actions and can see his behaviour for what it is.

Concentrate on yourself for now, you and your impending birth are the priority. Is he due to be your birth partner? Is there anyone else you can call on, a friend/sister/relative?

NameChange30 · 14/02/2016 12:30

"I took that test and out of 30 I scored 20. 20 out of 30 things he does. Not great is it."

No, it's not great. It means he is definitely abusive However, it's a good thing that you recognise his behaviour as abusive - it means you can reassure yourself that the problem is him, not you. And you can start to do something about it - hopefully getting some support and eventually leaving him.

Next time he's not around, please call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 (it's a 24 hour helpline). I'm sure it would help you to talk to a professional.

I also think it's really important that you talk to someone in real life (mum? sister? friend?) so they can support you, especially as you're about to have a baby.

Lastly, it might be a good idea to get some counselling for yourself, but not couple's counselling which is not recommended with an abusive partner.

Good luck

independentfriend · 14/02/2016 13:06

Maybe try and speak to one of your midwives today/tomorrow - they may be able to help (and potentially might offer to admit you to hospital for a rest, which would give you a bit of breathing space, assuming you can safely leave your daughter with him).

Original poster

NotSpeaking · 14/02/2016 13:35

I'm being induced tomorrow!

OP posts:

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