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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH just lost it with me

79 replies

NotSpeaking · 13/02/2016 13:50

I'm about to give birth. He was blaming me because I haven't gone into labour yet. Then I asked him why everything good that happens in our lives he takes ownership for, and anything bad he blames on me. He explaIned in our relationship I had caused countless dramas, I then reminded him that I'd be very careful as he had created some major ones. Like seeing his ex behind my back in 2008, having an emotional affair and kissing a girl at his work, a few other unclear misdemeanours which took me a while to get over and I know am able to talk about it without being angry or bitter. I explained I'd rather have my dramas to deal with than the ones he had created in our
Lives. He went ballistic saying he only meant dramas as in day to day, not the other stuff he had done. How convient. Shouting infront of our daughter saying I had a choice if I wanted to stay or not and that I was bitter and if I couldn't let go he would leave. I'm not bitter at all, I was just stating facts. He would not stop shouting and I have been absolutely calm as anything. Speaking to him in a completely adult fashion while he absolutely lost it.
Am I supposed to pretend it never happened or not correct him when his facts are incorrect. When I corrected him when he was recalling events, saying it was 2010 the last time, I reminded him the last incident was actually 2013, he lost it again. I didn't. Sat completely calm. Is he an idiot or should I not being stuff like this up anymore, even though he is saying I create drama in our lives, when in actually factual terms, stuff he has done nearly tore us to Pieces.

OP posts:

GloGirl · 13/02/2016 14:24

You can't play Top Trumps with things like this. Is it possible he's very stressed in his day life for any reason? What are the minor dramas he says you are creating all the time?

You can't always win every argument. If he's saying "I am feeling stressed, it feels like we're always arguing over little things, you're always making things out to be a drama" - I do think sometimes it's not appropriate to say "Yes well you had an emotional affair in 2013 so you're not perfect"

bigmouthstrikesagain · 13/02/2016 14:28

I think what pp are saying is that your referring to past wrong doings by your partner in a heated (at least on your 'd'hs part) discussion, is probably not constructive. His past wrongdoings do not mean you are blameless in any current disagreements, or you would be holding him hostage to his past and excusing any drama you created by saying "well I didn't have an emotional affair" so he is always in the wrong, that is not moving on.

That aside if he is the kind of ridiculous person that would blame you for the timing of your Labour, then arguing with him at all is probably pointless. Only you know him so it is not for mn to judge if he is worth your time and effort.

Good luck and here is to having a successful and uncomplicated Labour - when you are ready.

AyeAmarok · 13/02/2016 14:32

He doesn't like to be reminded of what he did and I can understand that.

Exactly and that's why he goes on the attack when he's confronted with what he's done.

But as is said time and again on the relationship board, in order to recover from an affair the cheater needs to accept that he's going to have it thrown back at him occasionally, not just sweep it under the carpet. Especially if he's trying to rewrite history to make out that it's you causing all the problems.

Iamdobby63 · 13/02/2016 14:34

Well he's gone off again. Won't let me put a word in at all and when I try to talk he just shouts over me.

Obviously he is still stinging. My advice, just walk away, let him shout at himself.

I didn't suggest the counselling just for your communicating skills, just so you know.

bigbuttons · 13/02/2016 14:35

OP, you are in a horrible relationship.

What insight/help to you hope to get from posting here?
People are telling you it's shit but you are acting like you don't feel anything. I am also finding the lol-ing odd; there is nothing to lol about, really nothing.

Topseyt · 13/02/2016 14:42

What sort of an arsewipe blames his pregnant partner because she hasn't yet gone into labour?

I can't get over that one either.

DickDewy · 13/02/2016 14:43

It sounds like a horrible relationship - full of unkindness.

HumphreyCobblers · 13/02/2016 14:46

Can we stop blaming the OP?
HE picked a fight.
HE brought things up from years ago.
HE blamed her for not being in labour.

She is nine months pregnant yet she still managed not to shout, quite frankly she deserves a medal.

I think he sounds horrible OP. I hope you have someone supportive to help you during labour.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 13/02/2016 14:49

I am finding your posts oddly detached and I also don't understand what you want from this thread.

Original poster

NotSpeaking · 13/02/2016 14:51

He keeps saying I'm bitter. He is totally misreading me and won't let me speak at all. So I've concluded at him that I will never mention it again, and when he brings up the past I will zip my mouth and totally pretend nothing ever happened. Just to suit him. We will totally wipe it from our history just so that God forbid he doesn't get upset about it. Its ridiculous. I can talk about it without feeling any kind of way, almost completely numb. He cant. I understand that too.
I find him weak. And he's told me if I can't not talk about it then the relationship is pointless. He said he's been in enough relationships with girls that can't get over things and stay bitter. Dumb founded I responded... Oh got a bit of a track record have we.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotSpeaking · 13/02/2016 14:52

I am. I'm pretty numb to be honest. Even my reaction is emotionless. I don't know why

OP posts:

Iamdobby63 · 13/02/2016 14:55

You are probably tired of it all tbh. x - Sounds exhausting.

TwatMagnet · 13/02/2016 14:57

You DO sound strangely detached from what is, after all, quite appalling and unloving behaviour. You say you like this man but after all you've said I can't find a single thing about him to like. What do you like? He treats you like shit, speaks to you like shit, cares not a fuck that you're about to give birth and so on.
Is there some really good reason you can't leave him and find the happiness you deserve?

HumphreyCobblers · 13/02/2016 15:04

I expect the OP wants some support and understanding from his thread. This is not AIBU.

I am sorry he is behaving like this to you. He is not in anyway justified in his actions. What kind of man shouts at his wife like this, when she is overdue her baby? Is there anyone supportive you can be with?

GloGirl · 13/02/2016 15:05

Going numb is a preservation instinct. You sound very unhappy.

Could you ask him to move out for a fee days and give you some time ? He could take your DD with him so you could rest

pointythings · 13/02/2016 15:09

I think the fact that you are numb says a lot about how much this relationship is damaging you. I also think you are getting a hard time from some people on here - cheating is a major, major thing and not something that you can just forgive and forget. It is not at all illogical that you refer back to it when you are arguing with your H. Bringing up old things is a sure way to trigger resentment - my DH has a habit of bringing up something from over 15 years ago to remind me that I sometimes misremember things {confused] and it makes me see red every single time he does it. However, there is a difference between using trivial things from donkey's years ago as a weapon and bringing up genuine unforgivable behaviour. (I would not have forgiven the cheating, he would have been out on his ear)

I really think you need to get out of this relationship.

gamerchick · 13/02/2016 15:12

Hes threatened to leave if you dont do as he says. Tell him you take it.

You deserve peace in your last days and your child doesnt deserve witness any arguing. Do you have someone who can come and be with you?

WorraLiberty · 13/02/2016 15:16

It sounds as though this relationship has run its course a long while ago.

I agree with a PP that you sound emotionally detached. You really don't sound as though you're over all the hurt he's caused you in the past though, and that's perfectly understandable.

I think you're kidding both yourself and him, to say you only calmly brought up the stuff from the past because you were correcting him.

It must be tough being heavily pregnant and having to deal with all this. Perhaps much tougher when you have a newborn baby in the house.

I think you both need to sit down and decide how to move forward, even if that means breaking up for the sake of the kids.

Original poster

NotSpeaking · 13/02/2016 15:16

Well I've asked him to make a list of things we need to erase from our history just incase it upsets him. He obviously needs an empty vessel as a partner, with no opinion and won't argue back to him. Which isn't me. Now I'm actually angry. Everything is on his terms and I'm always a scapegoat for everything that goes wrong. I'm sick of it. He's saying I'm turning it round on him. Honestly, he can just F off now. He needs to leave

OP posts:

shinynewusername · 13/02/2016 15:17

Apart from the fact that you are heavily pregnant, so he should be cutting you some major slack, you both sound as bad as the other TBH.

bigbuttons · 13/02/2016 15:17

Yes, you're numb in order to protect yourself from the pain this relationship is causing you.
This relationship is a non starter op.

He has hurt you very badly and continues to do so. He is a cheat and and a liar and clearly has no respect for you.
I'm not surprised you feel numb.
Anyone who shouts at a heavily pregnant woman is a cunt. I hardly ever use that word, but there you go. My ex did this. The stress his aggression caused me will also have affected my unborn babies.
Only a weak and pathetic man shouts at a woman who cannot fight back.

I wish you a way out of this poor excuse for a relationship

ouryve · 13/02/2016 15:18

He's horrible, op. He does what the hell he likes, walks all over you, silences you.

Sod him. Concentrate on this baby. That's what needs all your mental energy, right now. Then, when you have more energy,cset him free to fuck and fuck up who the hell he likes. Just don't let that be you, again.

Clutterbugsmum · 13/02/2016 15:18

If it was me I would concentrate on my upcoming birth, and recovery and then I would planning my escape from him.

AyeAmarok · 13/02/2016 15:49

Aye, very good, Shiny

hollyisalovelyname · 13/02/2016 15:58

OP you poor darling.
He's BLAMING you for not going into labour yet.
That says it all about him.
I pity your little one and the baby not yet born.
That's no family life to have for you or them.
Have you support in real life

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