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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I did not handle this well

66 replies

WhyIRayLiotta · 13/02/2016 10:54

Arghhhhhh

Yesterday I discovered that before Christmas my DH spent £300 on a piece of jewellery. It wasn't for me.

I decided not to confront him, but to try and get my hands on hod mobile and see if there was any clue about it there.

I couldn't get his phone last night. Then he asked if I wanted to have a drink, I thought 'fuck it' so did.

I exploded at him, he denied all, and slept on the sofa. He's had loads of time to delete anything / come up with a story. He's not talking to me this morning and I'm not sure what to do from here.

OP posts:

Rainbowlou1 · 13/02/2016 12:45

If I was accused of something I haven't done I wouldn't be upstairs sulking, I'd be downstairs With an explanation fighting my corner.
I'm so sorry you're going through this and hope You get answers soon

Original poster

WhyIRayLiotta · 13/02/2016 13:01

Ok we've spoken.

He admitted buying it and says it was for his other daughter. They are estranged, he's never had any role in her life / upbringing.

He says it was a 21st birthday gift. (It could be - she's about that age and I know her birthday is NYE)

I've told him I'm not convinced - and I want him to show me proof it was for her.

OP posts:

Iamdobby63 · 13/02/2016 13:02

Also ask to see all bank/card statements (do you see how it was paid) - if he is innocent then he should have no problem with you seeing everything. Even better if you can look without him knowing - less chance that he destroys where it's logged.

I'm sorry.

Iamdobby63 · 13/02/2016 13:03

X post. Why not just say that in the first place?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 13/02/2016 13:04

Seems now he's had time to think he's come up with a semi-plausible story. You're very sensible to ask for proof, OP.

Haffdonga · 13/02/2016 13:06

Why would he not tell you in the first place?

And more importantly, why is your gut feeling telling you there was another woman?

Beachlovingirl · 13/02/2016 13:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beachlovingirl · 13/02/2016 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tigermoll · 13/02/2016 13:57

Why would he conceal it from you that he was buying a gift for his estranged daughter?

If it is true (and BTW it definitely isn't) that he decided to drop 300 quid on a surprise gift in the hope of getting back in touch with her, why wouldn't he talk to you about it? Ask for your support through this (presumably) emotionally fraught time?

And (tangent) why does he have a daughter that he never sees? None of this is good, OP.

Bogeyface · 13/02/2016 13:59

Sorry but it still doesnt sound right to me.

We had a similar issue with H's estranged son in that H wanted to spend a chunk of money on a gift for him for his 21st, but we discussed it first on the basis that it would mean cutting back to afford it. Why would he do that and not talk to you about it if it was that important to him? What would your reaction have been if he had said he wanted to do this?

Eminado · 13/02/2016 14:01

More lies.

Really sorry this has happened OP.

Original poster

WhyIRayLiotta · 13/02/2016 14:12

He said he didn't want to talk to me about it as I've not been supportive about him having a relationship with her. That's not true at all.

Before we were married and had DD, I really pushed him to try and get in touch. But her mum didn't want anything to do with him. (They were a one night stand, he didn't know she got pregnant and found out about the baby when she was 14months old. They were both 16 at the time.) I know that stuff is true. Also - that he was crap. Was quite happy to swan off and leave the mum to do everything. Then - out of the blue about 5 years ago the mum got in touch with DH saying she needed help with uniform costs. I supported that - he gave £1000. (A HUGE amount of money to us - but obviously nothing compared to raising a child! He's always paid CSA.)
Then she asked for more - and over the next couple of months probably received about £3000 from us. And it was US, I took out a loan, he used a credit card etc. I got fed up of it, as he just have whatever she asked for so i said I couldn't keep living g on value pasta to subsidise their lifestyle. I think they assumed he could easily afford it as he never hesitated to give it IYCWIM.

So that's the only unsupportive act I've ever had. There's been no other communications that I'm aware of.

He's gone out. I will continue to ask for proof until I get it.

Also - my gut wasn't telling me he was having an affair - the idea was utterly shocking and out of the blue to me, but I just couldn't imagine any scenario where he'd be buying jewellery that wasn't another woman.

So, if he's telling me the truth (and I see proof) I suppose we need to work out why he didn't want to tell me. Arghhhhhhh such a head fuck the whole thing. I don't want to be the naive idiot who misses the red flags.

OP posts:

IamlovedbyG · 13/02/2016 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Iamdobby63 · 13/02/2016 14:25

Bloody hell! £1000for school uniform, where on earth did she go to school?

By him paying maintenance and paying other monies would tell me he does carry a lot of guilt.

I take it he knows where she lives now? Still no other contact?

Orrla · 13/02/2016 14:26

More gaslighting. More lies.

If he's so indignant and in the right, all he has to do is ask his daughter to text a photo of her wearing what he got her for her 21st. With the phone in front of you so you can see he's not texting her to play along.

tigermoll · 13/02/2016 14:35

So he has always paid, CSA, and there was a brief period of time when you (jointly) contributed a large amount of money to his daughter.

Leaving the money aside, has he ever committed to spending actual time with her?

tigermoll · 13/02/2016 14:37

And if the daughter is 21, then 5 years ago when the money requests started, she would have been 16. A strange time to start needing an expensive uniform, no?

Did he see his daughter then?

Bogeyface · 13/02/2016 14:38

Why is his relationship with his dd relevant to this thread?

Either he gave her a £300 gift or he didnt and is lying to the OP, his relationship with her is nobodies business but theirs!

Bogeyface · 13/02/2016 14:40

nobody's even

Original poster

WhyIRayLiotta · 13/02/2016 14:43

He has had a couple of lunches, nothing more.

The uniform costs came after she had done her GCSEs and was changing school to do her A-levels (or whatever they are!)
The money was for uniform / a payment to the school and money for different stuff: art supplies / school trip etc. The school is very prestigious so the expense of it seemed plausible.

He did try to spend time with his DD when she was younger - her mum would to allow it.

OP posts:

fastdaytears · 13/02/2016 14:43

Sorry but if that was true he would have said so immediately, not come up with it the next day.

What sort of jewellery is it? Does is seem like 21st type jewellery?

tigermoll · 13/02/2016 14:45

Why is his relationship with his dd relevant to this thread?

Because he has used the lie reason that the gift was a secret gift for his daughter. I was just asking for background to work out why the gift had to be so secret.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/02/2016 14:47

Are they in regular contact now?

If my estranged foster dad sent me expensive jewellery, I'd reject it. I'm 25, so a bit older, but would have rejected it at 21 too. It would have felt insulting that he felt he could replace time and attention with money, and I wouldn't want a reminder of him.

If she did keep it, she'll surely have sent him lots of sincere thanks? A photo of her wearing it?

It seems unusual to accept a £300 piece of jewellery from your absent dad and say absolutely nothing, no reaction at all.

Maybe he's telling the truth and he bought the £300 jewellery and didn't tell you because he knows you still can't afford it and doesn't want to face up to that - but it just doesn't seem right. He kept the whole thing a secret from you. Not just the cost, but that he'd bought her anything, that he'd seen her/posted it to her, her reaction. Her mum's reaction.

whattodowiththepoo · 13/02/2016 14:48

It's not possible for anyone here to know that he's not telling the truth.

Iamdobby63 · 13/02/2016 14:50

If he hadn't lied in the first place, then appeared to take time to come up with an excuse, then explained he didnt tell the OP because of a reason she knows isn't true then I would have said its feesible.

You are going to need a lot more answers, did he meet her to give it to her, have it delivered - is there a 'thank you' text?

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