Treating me like a slave

[slave2grind]

Hi, I was recommended this site by a friend, not sure if blokes are allowed or not? just wanted a womans opinion as I have had anough bloke opinions to last me a lifetime.

basically me and my partner have been together for nearly 8 years, we have a 6 year old and a 4 year old. She's always been pretty lazy, when we met we were at college and we both gave that up together and she moved in with me and my family, we both got jobs around the same time, hers lasted a week before she decided she wasnt doing it anymore and that was the last job she had. I kept mine and we eventually moved into our own flat when she got pregnent with our first child. Then she started complaining that she didnt want me working nights whilst she was pregnant, she kept on and on at me to give my job up and in the end I did to please her and we ended up on jobseekers allowance, we had tons of debt and was living off £10 a week for food/clothes etc for 2 adults and a baby. Around the same time she just stopped doing anything at all, she wouldn't get up for night feeds so I did it all, I got him ready for bed, did the baths etc etc, not that I mind that but at the same time I was also making the tea everynight, making her cups of tea every 5 minutes and doing the housework whilst she sat on the pc all day and into the night.

anyway after training etc I got another job, it was nights again but good money and we were so desperate for money she was ok with it. things were ok for a while (although I was still doing everything as well as working full time) and then our second son was born.

Basically the way it works now is that I got to work at 9:30pm, before that I have to make tea, get the kids ready for bed, make her endless cups of tea and sometimes even run to the shops for her some chocolate. Then I go to work...come home at 6am and I'm not "allowed" to go to bed until I've got the kids up, got them their breakfasts, washed up the pots from the night before and made her a morning cup of tea...THEN she crawls out of bed, takes the kids to school and 9 times out of 10 she'll come home and make so much noise all day I don't get much sleep but she will not allow me to sleep any later than 2pm, at 2pm on the dot she will come in and wake me up, normally by putting on the pc in bedroom and ordering me to go and make her a cup of tea. If i don't get up when she says she goes mad and starts putting music on full blast, throwing things at me or screaming and shouting at me.

Up until now I've just accepted all this crap because I do love her but after talking to people ive realised nobody else lives like this and I really dont want to anymore, shes the first serious relationship I ever had so I've not had much "experience" with how things work but this isnt normal surely?

Would love peoples opinions on this. thanks.

is she depressed ?

she did suffer from post natel depression with our first son but i dont think she is now, shes always laughing and messing about.

you are not allowed to go to bed? or what happens?

she clearly has issues, whether depression or not , i don't know..but if the shoe was on the other foot, and a man was treating his partner like this, there would be no sympathy for him.

laughing & messing about might be hiding her true feelings,

BUT

it seems she holds all the power in the relationship and things happen her way, with no compromise

FFS! Stand up for yourself man! You KNOW you are being taken for a ride so why do you put up with it?

She's too damn lazy to do anything about it, she might threaten you like crazy if you make changes, but threats need effort to be carried out and I don't think she could put that effort in.

Make some changes FGS! Unless you like being under the thumb that is.

Give me a sec, DH works similar hours to you, he'd do better at a bloke to bloke reply......

I dont know about depressed, she sounds bloody lazy.

If it were a woman writing this about her husband, we would be going mental now and encouraging him to be thrown out onto the streets.

Tell her to buck her ideas up, what kind of example is she setting to her children?

Hi i'm Peachey DH

I also work nights and have had to taken sleeping tablets to get a good days sleep.

It might be a good idea to see your doc about something similar. Most of my collegues have a morning drink before bed I don't due to young kids in the house, but you do need something to knock you out in most cases. Sleeping in the day is not natural and your body knows it.

As for the relationship your partner most release that if she was woke in the middle of the night for a week trying to do everyday task would become impossible due to lake of sleep.

You do need to demand respect for your needs. Most people working nights who don't get over six hours solid sleep that I have known in the past have had depression at a late date, and if anything will kill your relationship that will.

With regards to the screamng / violence / bullying- if it was reversed she would be heading off to a refuge ASAP no doubt, well just remember that domestic abuse works both ways and she is certainly guilty. If she has post natal that's sad, but you do have a main reposnsibility to you and your kids.

TBH you can talk to her about being equal and sharing tasks, but if she has refused to work since college I think you may be fighting a losing battle. If the laziness is that ingrained in her she must have other issues, I think you need professional help to get to the bottom of it all...would she go to relate with you?

She treats you like a slave because you let her. It's that simple. She couldn't do it if you stood up to her and demanded respect and equal commitment to your relationship.

Your relationship clearly needs to change but she has no reason to instigate that. You do, so, sorry, but it's down to you to start being more assertive.

You love her so it's worth working on improving things. Lost of couples accept that one does more work/childcare than the other and seem to live with that although I think equality and fairness is really important. If you can't live with things as they are then you need either to change them or leave her. Sadly despite you doing so much with the children at home she would be seen as primary carer and they would mostly live with her probably if it came to a dispute over that.

You need to try to persuade her to talk to you about it or go to counselling. You need to say you might want to separate with each of you having the children alternate weeks or whatever is best if she will not change things.

Not sure why youare not "allowed" etc...but people do put up with situations like that and you might like her deciding all those things although it doesn't seem so from what you wrote. Why not suggest she gets a full time job too which would also set things up better for the future if you were to part and would also double your family income to and be better example for the children. It would also mean her boss would be cracking the whip at her and she wouldn't be so lazy.

I think you need to get her to be checked by a doctor for depression etc.

However you also need to stand up for yourself.

I can't bear the thought of my DH being worn out - although he often is as he works 4am to 1pm, drives me to work then has DD for the afternoon till I get home at 6pm. And it's going to fet worse for him come June when I return to work after DS.

Can you enlist help from her or your parents in terms of getting her to see just how much you do, and how unreasonable and unfair she is being? My mum would never have stood for this behaviour from me towards my DH?

All I can say is good luck - perhaps you could tell her you need a break and for a weekend or something go and stay with your parents or round a mates to make her see just how much hard work you do.

I think what you do is admirable in terms of looking after your family, but you need to out your foot down!

Totally agree with Freckle as always. Tell her that you have had enough and wont accept the current situation and ask her to do her fair share.

Also totally agree with Freckles - but do be wary of the situation Xenia has highlighted - that if you leave your partner (dp) will inevitably be seen as the primary carer and it is likely that you will be forced to lose contact with your children.
I don't agree that you should demand that she gets a full time job - Xenia is well known on MN for being money obsessed and despising SAHMs.
Your dp clearly has major issues, but your first step should be to sit her down and tell her that you cannot tolerate her behaviour any longer. It's not normal. Your children will love having you bath them etc and get them ready for school when you get back from work - maybe you enjoy it too? How much of this would you do with pleasure? It sounds as though you enjoy being an involved father - presumably you wouldn't actually wish your dp to take over everything?
Why not have a think about what you think would be fair division of labour - and that should include 8 hours' sleep for you!
Could dp get a part time job as a Learning Assistant in school - something that would bring in some extra cash and bolster her self esteem whilst fitting in with the children's schooling.
She is a control freak - but many people who exhibit that behaviour do have problems with low self esteem. Reading between the lines I bet she feels pretty worthless - no job, crap partner to you, not even doing her fair share as a mother...
Things need to change for her benefit as well as yours.
Wait for a few more replies on this thread then print it off and show her.
Good luck - you sound like a treasure, but you're being too much of a wimp at the moment - it's time for a fresh start for all your sakes.

but she is not being a SAHM...she is doing nothing.....! that is the difference! it is one thing to be at home and be the primary care give, quite another, to force the other spouse into that role too , aswell as employment outside the home.

Message withdrawn

oh my. DP works nights. he gets 8 hours sleep every day, unless something is wrong or DD has one of her tantrums and screams the house down! he uses earplugs, so doesn't hear things like the hoover or the radio on downstairs. i make him a portion of food which he can stick in the oven when he gets home at 4am. i make HIM a cup of tea when i wake him up. i very much respect the fact that he's working fulltime AND that he works nights and needs to sleep in the day. what you describe is just wrong and disrespectful.

slave2grind, you teach people how to treat you. you have let your DP get into this pattern and never said it isn't acceptable to you. tell her what you need to change. If she won't then she isn't worth your love.

lulumama - agree with you, but that isn't how a court would see it, unfortunately. He's got a full time job and she's at home all day. It would be his word against hers. In any case - he loves her and doesn't want to leave. I just thought that it was a shame that the first part of Xenia's post was excellent advice, but she couldn't resist following it up with the suggestion that the woman should get a full time job!

Hiya,
I could nearly be your partner Not as extreme, but, when I was in the depths of my depression, I hated DH going to work... I hated being left alone. I could barely function - I wouldn't oreder DH to do things, but I wouldn't/couldn't. Even the smallest jobs would take alot of physical and mental effort from me. DH too offered to go on jobseekers, because id cry every time he'd leave. But I knew it wasn't "me", I am (was) far from lazy. I have worked since I was 13, owned horses so I never ever had a lie in, for about 4 years, I would do anything for anyone. My mums house would be cleaned for her when she was working sometimes, I made her tea/coffee/hot milk without quibble. It wasn't "me" to be sat in bed all day. When I went on a decent dose of anti-depressents, things got better. But I realised something was wrong. I had to come off them again when I found out I was pregnant (there are pregnancy safe ones) but I felt strong enough too. I built up a daily routine slowly... sounds stupid but its like learning to walk again. I couldn't suddenly be "ok" and jump up and scrub the house! Recently ive been going abit downhill again, but I realise I need to do something about it, know the signals. I really hope things go ok xXx

my god, dp used work nights when dd was little and it was soul destroying enough and he slept from11am til 6pm days he was working. if i had tried to force him out of bed at 2pm i could have been garuanteed he'd have refused to get up and walked out the door that night and not come back.

you sound like a lovely guy but fgs grow a backbone.... she has no respect for you because you don't demand any respect. 'ordering me to go and make her a cup of tea' so don't bloody make it! the word is 'no!' she can't force you to do slave labour for her.... whats she gonna do? take the kids? i doubt it! sounds like she can barely be bothered to do the little she does for them, never mind be a full time single mother. she needs you alot more than you need her and you have to start standing up for yourself man

(by the way despite what was said below I don't despite stay at home parents - it's very hard work - when they actually fulfil the role).
I've come across this problem before - mother stay at home and does very little. Father gets home has the children from 6 to bed time and then does cleaning and all chores. It's obviously not tolerable for most people, nor should mother working full time and then doing 100% of children and cleaning which so many stupid women tolerate. These people male or female have to take responsibility for their own decisions and lives and not tolerate things which are unfair.

That's very true, but Quootie has highlighted the other side of the situation. This woman probably hates herself - she won't be able to turn into a hard working sahm overnight. She needs to be told that her behaviour is extreme - but it will be best to make small changes at first - eg allowing him adequate sleep.

i thnk it's interesting how many people are trying to find reasons for this woman's behaviour. if the genders were reversed how many would be saying "perhaps your husband is depressed" and "you cant expect him to change over night"???

My 'that's very true' was intended for PinkTinsel, but actually you're right, too, Xenia. He is wrong to put up with this behaviour - nothing is going to change while he puts up with what amounts to abuse.
He needs to take responsibility for the situation as much as she does - she has been allowed to sink into this state without intervention from him.
Her behaviour is so extreme that there must be some sort of issue behind it - I can't believe that any normal person would allow themselves to treat another human being in this way.

smittenkitten - I think that many people would just say 'dump her', but he has clearly stated that he loves her and doesn't want to leave. In any case - if genders were reversed then the woman wouldn't lose her children, which is what would happen to this man if he walked out.
So the only answer is to be realistic - she is being totally unreasonable but needs to learn to behave decently - she won't be able to change overnight. It's just not realistic.