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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Treating me like a slave

43 replies

slave2grind · 28/12/2006 21:07

Hi, I was recommended this site by a friend, not sure if blokes are allowed or not? just wanted a womans opinion as I have had anough bloke opinions to last me a lifetime.

basically me and my partner have been together for nearly 8 years, we have a 6 year old and a 4 year old. She's always been pretty lazy, when we met we were at college and we both gave that up together and she moved in with me and my family, we both got jobs around the same time, hers lasted a week before she decided she wasnt doing it anymore and that was the last job she had. I kept mine and we eventually moved into our own flat when she got pregnent with our first child. Then she started complaining that she didnt want me working nights whilst she was pregnant, she kept on and on at me to give my job up and in the end I did to please her and we ended up on jobseekers allowance, we had tons of debt and was living off £10 a week for food/clothes etc for 2 adults and a baby. Around the same time she just stopped doing anything at all, she wouldn't get up for night feeds so I did it all, I got him ready for bed, did the baths etc etc, not that I mind that but at the same time I was also making the tea everynight, making her cups of tea every 5 minutes and doing the housework whilst she sat on the pc all day and into the night.

anyway after training etc I got another job, it was nights again but good money and we were so desperate for money she was ok with it. things were ok for a while (although I was still doing everything as well as working full time) and then our second son was born.

Basically the way it works now is that I got to work at 9:30pm, before that I have to make tea, get the kids ready for bed, make her endless cups of tea and sometimes even run to the shops for her some chocolate. Then I go to work...come home at 6am and I'm not "allowed" to go to bed until I've got the kids up, got them their breakfasts, washed up the pots from the night before and made her a morning cup of tea...THEN she crawls out of bed, takes the kids to school and 9 times out of 10 she'll come home and make so much noise all day I don't get much sleep but she will not allow me to sleep any later than 2pm, at 2pm on the dot she will come in and wake me up, normally by putting on the pc in bedroom and ordering me to go and make her a cup of tea. If i don't get up when she says she goes mad and starts putting music on full blast, throwing things at me or screaming and shouting at me.

Up until now I've just accepted all this crap because I do love her but after talking to people ive realised nobody else lives like this and I really dont want to anymore, shes the first serious relationship I ever had so I've not had much "experience" with how things work but this isnt normal surely?

Would love peoples opinions on this. thanks.

OP posts:

mellowma · 29/12/2006 15:53

Message withdrawn

QuootiepieTheNewYearsAss · 29/12/2006 16:12

I wonder what someone would do at a comp. all day if they weren't MNing?

QuootiepieTheNewYearsAss · 29/12/2006 16:12

...

mellowma · 29/12/2006 17:17

Message withdrawn

JoolsToo · 29/12/2006 17:22

you don't have to do anything. No-one is holding a gun to your head.

How you have any respect for her beats me, she obviously has none for you, or herself for that matter.

There is some good advice here about standing up for yourself. Trouble is after 8 years of being treated like a doormat I don't think you've have it in you.

9BeetrootsDancing · 29/12/2006 17:23

slavetogrind has not been bak all day -

JoolsToo · 29/12/2006 17:25

is he sitting under a bridge?

idontlikecrusts · 29/12/2006 17:26

It's gotten a bit like this around here of late although I don't throw stuff and be mean. I get my OH to make me coffee quite a bit and I expect him to bath the kids most nights. I also get him to be first up in the morning generally.

You know why? Because most days I am either catching up from being up all night coping with one of his melt downs or waiting for the police to find him having taken another overdose.

I also work and bring in all the family income, pay all the bills, deal with ALL admin and debt crap, sort out school stuff, make all meals, etc.

Neither your situation or mine is normal and that is the point, things need to be roughly equal and that can be achieved in many, many ways.

Me expecting my coffee made for me is one of the limited and few ways I can regain some time for myself. It shouldn't be like this. We should be happily helping one another.

Your partner maybe needs to get some outside advice and support and if she cannot be more reasonable after that then you may need to review your relationship??

NOELallie · 29/12/2006 17:29

Kick up the backside is needed. From you to her...but also to yourself. She may well be depressed - many of us been there - but that doesn't help you. And the situation is no longer tolerable. Tell her so. Say no when she demands tea, do the things you have to for the children but do nothing for her - eventually she will get the message that you are not her personal slave. I appreciate that you love her but unless things improve considerably it seems to me that she isn't showing any love for you...relationships are a two-way street. Also I can't help thinking that the children are suffering from her lack on input but also from a horrible example of grown-up behaviour.

BeetrootsResolution · 30/12/2006 10:55

still no sign

mellowma · 30/12/2006 10:58

Message withdrawn

PinkTinsel · 30/12/2006 11:01

if that were the case surely he'd have named her though mellowma?

think it's either a troll or such a spineless little man couldn't handle being told to grow a pair of balls by a load of woman

mellowma · 30/12/2006 11:06

Message withdrawn

colditz · 30/12/2006 11:13

eR, IF THIS WAS A WOMAN POSTING THIS STORY, NOBODY WOULD HAVE MENTIONED TROLLING. iN FACT i BELIEVE AT LEAST ONE POSTER WOULD HAVE SAID THAT THE op IS SUFFERING DOMESTIC ABUSE!

oops sorry for caps.

But I mean it, would you tell a woman who is foisted out of bed after a night shift by being screamed at and having thing chucked around her, would you tell her to 'grow a backbone'?

PinkTinsel · 30/12/2006 11:37

actually colditz, we all gave honest opinions and some people were very understanding and helpful but the op seems to have disaappeared which is odd if he was a genuine poster looking for advice.

and it is a pretty unbelievable situation imo, i know some men will accept more shit from their partners than others but i honestly hope there is no man out there that would tolerate crap like that! i mean what is she going to do to him if he goes to bed before he's 'allowed'?

Judy1234 · 30/12/2006 13:21

Many many people get in those situations. It's gender neutral. I did things my ex husband wanted which sound ridiculous now, not allowed to do XYZ and you think later how could I a reasonably clever adult get into that position but people do, male and female and you sometimes can't see a way out.

idontlikecrusts · 30/12/2006 19:35

Exactly.

fortyplus · 31/12/2006 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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