My partner grabbed me and shook me

[PregnantAndEngaged]

Background is we have been together 4.5 years and he has never hurt me before, never said anything abusive or anything. He's just not like that which is why I'm so shocked.

Last night he went out for a few drinks. When he came home we had some us time and things were lovely. However by the time we got to bed, the baby was waking up and he just wouldn't go back to sleep. My partner fell asleep while I was getting up every 2 minutes putting dummy in, feeding, settling down our baby etc and I was getting really fed up with it all.

I admit I was a bit of a nightmare but I was just so tired and didn't think I was going to get any sleep while he was sleeping there peacefully so I started moaning "oh for God sake he's not going to sleep", that kind of thing. My partner kept saying shhh. But I was like "It's 2.30 I've not had any sleep yet!!!". I was trying to get baby to take dummy at this point and he was just staring at me wide awake.

So I just stormed back over and jumped into bed and said "fuck this, I'm going to fucking sleep!". Basically leaving him to deal with it. It was his turn on the night feed (we always take it in turns; one does one night, the other does the other night) but he wasn't doing it, and although he had been out it would've been nice if he could have pitched in rather than just sleeping while I struggled so I was feeling a bit aggrieved by this.

Anyway, he jumped up, grabbed me by the shoulders, pinned me down into the mattress and shook me shouting "will you sort yourself out, for fuck sake!!!" and then muttered something along the lines of "fucking bitch" while he got up to get the baby.

I was in so much shock I just lay there and didn't move for 10 minutes. My neck hurt from the violent shaking and it's still stiff this morning. He just acted like nothing happened and I haven't said anything yet. I can't tell if I was being unreasonable and that's why he did it, but then no one deserves this do they?

I don't want to leave him before anyone offers this advice. He's never abused me before and I think this was just a sleep deprived one off, but a one off that has shocked me to the core tbh. Not sure what to do and I can't tell anyone else so asking for mumsnetters advice.

[handslikecowstits]

Some abusive men also start showing their true colours when their woman is pregnant

This. The baby is here. Perhaps his mask has slipped.

[MoominPie22]

So what has he got to say for himself then? Pls don't say ur both carrying on as if nothing happened? Hope ur OK.....

[PregnantAndEngaged]

I have been in an abusive relationship before (with someone else of course) when I was at university. That involved emotional abuse and humiliating me in front of people e.g telling me I'm rubbish at things, saying I could've been better at XYZ, telling me how he's so much better than me, telling me to shut up in front of people, taking the piss out of me in front of people etc. That wasn't immediately obvious to me as it started off subtly (e.g. small things like I'd cook dinner and he'd eat it but say it wasn't as nice as [insert someone else's name] version) but I could definitely see everything after a while.

In this instance, I genuinely cannot ever recall a time my current partner of 4.5 years has ever put me down, made me feel beneath anyone else, or made me feel I wasn't worth anything. He tells me I'm beautiful, he does his fair share of the housework, he praises me for being clever, he praises me for being a good mum, he encourages me to better myself career wise as he feels I have more potential than I often believe I have, he encourages me to socialise with others, if I ever feel down he gives me a cuddle and tells me he loves me etc. So it really has come out of nowhere. Honestly, I do not believe he is an abusive partner; whilst I know what he did last night was physical abuse and I will not deny that, and I will be telling him that later, I feel this is more an unhealthy off-shoot from his drinking and I think perhaps he has anger management issues when he has had alcohol rather than being an innately abusive man. As a result I am going to be telling him that what he did was completely unacceptable no matter how annoying he finds me and that he should limit himself to 2 or 3 drinks in future, and if he wants more than that he can sleep on the sofa and won't be getting into bed with me.

[PregnantAndEngaged]

That said he has never got angry when he's had alcohol before, at least with me. But I remember years ago him telling me that when he was on holiday in Ibiza he shocked himself by punching a stranger who kept knocking into him. He also had a falling out with his brother recently, and I still don't quite know what happened but hs brother was staying here and he said he wanted to go home; he said they were having a good time and that my partner just became all aggressive and kept telling him to fuck off. Which again is not something he would usually do.. but that was again after a night of heavy drinking.

[PregnantAndEngaged]

Also just to note this makes it sound like he is an alcoholic. He's not. He goes out a couple of times a month but when he goes out he tends to binge drink IMO.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Did you get your neck looked at by a doctor?.

I get a feeling that your chat with him will not go at all well. You cannot and must not ever minimise what has happened here and that is really what you are doing now. You've come up with reasons for him acting like this (and fwiw I doubt he has AM issues). He certainly becomes more violent after alcohol consumption.

I would suggest you have a look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme (it can be done online as well as in person) particularly as you were in an abusive relationship before now. It would also do you no harm at all to now talk to them on 0808 2000 247.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What is your definition of an alcoholic?. They do not all drink everyday nor sit around on park benches with a paper bag.

Someone who gets violent after binge drinking is really not someone you should be with end of. He has not shown any remorse, real or otherwise and has also acted like nothing had happened.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It is not uncommon for victims of domestic abuse to report that they have been assaulted on occasions when the abuser has been drinking or is sober.

Alcohol use is never an excuse for any form of violence.

[KatsutheClockworkOctopus]

I'm sorry this happened OP.
May I ask how he acted with your son after he did this to you? I hate to say it but I would worry about a baby being looked after by someone who demonstrated such sudden aggression.

[MADEinLONDON]

Yeah this is absolutely not on at all. This is just a hunch, but have you looked into the possibility of him maybe using cocaine? After all, he'd been out on the town for a few drinks and of the only other incidents you've heard of him being aggressive, one was in Ibiza (heavy partying) and the other involved his brother (is his brother one of his drinking buddies per chance)?

I maybe way off track, but I've seen sudden cocaine usage turn the mildest of men into lairy arseholes.

Talk to someone in RL if you can OP. That way, if he EVER ramps this up, then someone else is in the know already and can support you. Women's Aid are also good for advice.

[PregnantAndEngaged]

I also don't believe it's an excuse, however alcohol does make some people more aggressive than others and do things out of impulse that they may not otherwise do. That doesn't mean I condone it though.

I've no idea about the cocaine thing however I would never imagine he would do that as he has always been against drugs since I've known him. We didn't even smoke weed in Amsterdam lol.

He was fine with our son after the incident btw. He just asked me to pass the milk up once he got him.

I have told a friend.

Thanks for the advice everyone

[FrameyMcFrame]

Hi, I second the idea of seeing your GP if you don't want to go to the police.
You can get your neck checked, and make a formal record of what happened to you. The GP is confidential, but if anything else happens then you've got a record on file.
Then tell your dp what you've done, and if he ever so much as touches you again that you'll press charges for assault.

[Joysmum]

As a result I am going to be telling him that what he did was completely unacceptable no matter how annoying he finds me and that he should limit himself to 2 or 3 drinks in future

When he come homes tonight, HE should be the one raising what happened, telling you it was completely unacceptable and saying that he's going to moderate his drinking.

If he doesn't, you've got more problems that just what happened last night.

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

Just because you were in an abusive relationship before, and this one isn't quite as bad, doesn't mean that this one is not abusive. He is. You say you have never seen abusive symptoms from him before. Neither did I, but there were warning signs... He just hid the worst of them until later. -Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind?msgid=35398438=#35398438=red flags I should have heeded

[SupSlick]

If he can do this to you without any regret in the morning, what could he do to your son?

[DazedAndConfused95]

Hi, I hope you are well. Just reading through this thread and I know it’s been a while but I just wondered what the outcome was? Did you stay with him, was it an isolated incident?