My partner grabbed me and shook me

[PregnantAndEngaged]

Background is we have been together 4.5 years and he has never hurt me before, never said anything abusive or anything. He's just not like that which is why I'm so shocked.

Last night he went out for a few drinks. When he came home we had some us time and things were lovely. However by the time we got to bed, the baby was waking up and he just wouldn't go back to sleep. My partner fell asleep while I was getting up every 2 minutes putting dummy in, feeding, settling down our baby etc and I was getting really fed up with it all.

I admit I was a bit of a nightmare but I was just so tired and didn't think I was going to get any sleep while he was sleeping there peacefully so I started moaning "oh for God sake he's not going to sleep", that kind of thing. My partner kept saying shhh. But I was like "It's 2.30 I've not had any sleep yet!!!". I was trying to get baby to take dummy at this point and he was just staring at me wide awake.

So I just stormed back over and jumped into bed and said "fuck this, I'm going to fucking sleep!". Basically leaving him to deal with it. It was his turn on the night feed (we always take it in turns; one does one night, the other does the other night) but he wasn't doing it, and although he had been out it would've been nice if he could have pitched in rather than just sleeping while I struggled so I was feeling a bit aggrieved by this.

Anyway, he jumped up, grabbed me by the shoulders, pinned me down into the mattress and shook me shouting "will you sort yourself out, for fuck sake!!!" and then muttered something along the lines of "fucking bitch" while he got up to get the baby.

I was in so much shock I just lay there and didn't move for 10 minutes. My neck hurt from the violent shaking and it's still stiff this morning. He just acted like nothing happened and I haven't said anything yet. I can't tell if I was being unreasonable and that's why he did it, but then no one deserves this do they?

I don't want to leave him before anyone offers this advice. He's never abused me before and I think this was just a sleep deprived one off, but a one off that has shocked me to the core tbh. Not sure what to do and I can't tell anyone else so asking for mumsnetters advice.

[DazedAndConfused95]

Hi, I hope you are well. Just reading through this thread and I know it’s been a while but I just wondered what the outcome was? Did you stay with him, was it an isolated incident?

[SupSlick]

If he can do this to you without any regret in the morning, what could he do to your son?

[SpongeBobJudgeyPants]

Just because you were in an abusive relationship before, and this one isn't quite as bad, doesn't mean that this one is not abusive. He is. You say you have never seen abusive symptoms from him before. Neither did I, but there were warning signs... He just hid the worst of them until later. -Red-flags-I-should-have-heeded-share-yours-for-womenkind?msgid=35398438=#35398438=red flags I should have heeded

[Joysmum]

As a result I am going to be telling him that what he did was completely unacceptable no matter how annoying he finds me and that he should limit himself to 2 or 3 drinks in future

When he come homes tonight, HE should be the one raising what happened, telling you it was completely unacceptable and saying that he's going to moderate his drinking.

If he doesn't, you've got more problems that just what happened last night.

[FrameyMcFrame]

Hi, I second the idea of seeing your GP if you don't want to go to the police.
You can get your neck checked, and make a formal record of what happened to you. The GP is confidential, but if anything else happens then you've got a record on file.
Then tell your dp what you've done, and if he ever so much as touches you again that you'll press charges for assault.

[PregnantAndEngaged]

I also don't believe it's an excuse, however alcohol does make some people more aggressive than others and do things out of impulse that they may not otherwise do. That doesn't mean I condone it though.

I've no idea about the cocaine thing however I would never imagine he would do that as he has always been against drugs since I've known him. We didn't even smoke weed in Amsterdam lol.

He was fine with our son after the incident btw. He just asked me to pass the milk up once he got him.

I have told a friend.

Thanks for the advice everyone

[MADEinLONDON]

Yeah this is absolutely not on at all. This is just a hunch, but have you looked into the possibility of him maybe using cocaine? After all, he'd been out on the town for a few drinks and of the only other incidents you've heard of him being aggressive, one was in Ibiza (heavy partying) and the other involved his brother (is his brother one of his drinking buddies per chance)?

I maybe way off track, but I've seen sudden cocaine usage turn the mildest of men into lairy arseholes.

Talk to someone in RL if you can OP. That way, if he EVER ramps this up, then someone else is in the know already and can support you. Women's Aid are also good for advice.

[KatsutheClockworkOctopus]

I'm sorry this happened OP.
May I ask how he acted with your son after he did this to you? I hate to say it but I would worry about a baby being looked after by someone who demonstrated such sudden aggression.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It is not uncommon for victims of domestic abuse to report that they have been assaulted on occasions when the abuser has been drinking or is sober.

Alcohol use is never an excuse for any form of violence.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What is your definition of an alcoholic?. They do not all drink everyday nor sit around on park benches with a paper bag.

Someone who gets violent after binge drinking is really not someone you should be with end of. He has not shown any remorse, real or otherwise and has also acted like nothing had happened.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Did you get your neck looked at by a doctor?.

I get a feeling that your chat with him will not go at all well. You cannot and must not ever minimise what has happened here and that is really what you are doing now. You've come up with reasons for him acting like this (and fwiw I doubt he has AM issues). He certainly becomes more violent after alcohol consumption.

I would suggest you have a look at Womens Aid Freedom Programme (it can be done online as well as in person) particularly as you were in an abusive relationship before now. It would also do you no harm at all to now talk to them on 0808 2000 247.

[PregnantAndEngaged]

Also just to note this makes it sound like he is an alcoholic. He's not. He goes out a couple of times a month but when he goes out he tends to binge drink IMO.

[PregnantAndEngaged]

That said he has never got angry when he's had alcohol before, at least with me. But I remember years ago him telling me that when he was on holiday in Ibiza he shocked himself by punching a stranger who kept knocking into him. He also had a falling out with his brother recently, and I still don't quite know what happened but hs brother was staying here and he said he wanted to go home; he said they were having a good time and that my partner just became all aggressive and kept telling him to fuck off. Which again is not something he would usually do.. but that was again after a night of heavy drinking.

[PregnantAndEngaged]

I have been in an abusive relationship before (with someone else of course) when I was at university. That involved emotional abuse and humiliating me in front of people e.g telling me I'm rubbish at things, saying I could've been better at XYZ, telling me how he's so much better than me, telling me to shut up in front of people, taking the piss out of me in front of people etc. That wasn't immediately obvious to me as it started off subtly (e.g. small things like I'd cook dinner and he'd eat it but say it wasn't as nice as [insert someone else's name] version) but I could definitely see everything after a while.

In this instance, I genuinely cannot ever recall a time my current partner of 4.5 years has ever put me down, made me feel beneath anyone else, or made me feel I wasn't worth anything. He tells me I'm beautiful, he does his fair share of the housework, he praises me for being clever, he praises me for being a good mum, he encourages me to better myself career wise as he feels I have more potential than I often believe I have, he encourages me to socialise with others, if I ever feel down he gives me a cuddle and tells me he loves me etc. So it really has come out of nowhere. Honestly, I do not believe he is an abusive partner; whilst I know what he did last night was physical abuse and I will not deny that, and I will be telling him that later, I feel this is more an unhealthy off-shoot from his drinking and I think perhaps he has anger management issues when he has had alcohol rather than being an innately abusive man. As a result I am going to be telling him that what he did was completely unacceptable no matter how annoying he finds me and that he should limit himself to 2 or 3 drinks in future, and if he wants more than that he can sleep on the sofa and won't be getting into bed with me.

[MoominPie22]

So what has he got to say for himself then? Pls don't say ur both carrying on as if nothing happened? Hope ur OK.....

[handslikecowstits]

Some abusive men also start showing their true colours when their woman is pregnant

This. The baby is here. Perhaps his mask has slipped.

[PoundingTheStreets]

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Your head is probably reeling right now.

I'd be surprised if this has happened in a vacuum. I'm fairly sure that if you really started examining your relationship through a lens of looking for abusive/controlling/merely sexist behaviour, you'd see quite a few things. Lots of women only realise the true extent once they've lest, because in isolation each incident can be explained away, it's only when you see the bigger picture that the pattern emerges. Think carefully about his attitudes towards housework for example.

Let's say this is a one-off. It's rare such things are, but it can sometimes be the case. What you need to do in the case of a one-off is ensure that it is not repeated by putting in place clear, unpleasant consequences.

First off, I'd go to the doctor's. Ideally go to the police as well, but I suspect you're not ready for that and bullying you into it isn't going to help. When you see your H next, you tell him you've had to go to the Doctor for your injuries and you tell him that the doctor considers you to have been physically abused no matter what the provocation (far harder for him to dismiss than just your opinion). You tell him that you, too consider yourself to have been abused and that it has significantly affected how you feel about him to the extent where you are considering whether your marriage has any future. Even if you intend to stay your H basically needs to equate maltreatment of you with divorce and believe you mean it.

Then do nothing else other than research as much as you can about the legal and practical side of splitting up so that you are ready for it should you ever decide you want to do that. Leave the ball in your H's court.

If this is a genuine one-off, he will be remorseful in the extreme and be bending over backwards to make it up to you for the rest of your relationship.

[SleepyRoo]

If he were halfway decent he should be consumed by guilt, grovelling and swearing on his life he'll never touch you like that again.

[PregnantAndEngaged]

No, I was pregnant when I created the account. Our baby is 8 months old

[SleepyRoo]

OP - re your username; are you pregnant now?

[Joysmum]

A decent partner would be horrified and ashamed at themselves. And work to put things right

^
That!

[Iamdobby63]

Very good advice to visit your GP, one to make sure your neck is ok and secondly for your husband to actually realise the severity of what he has done.

Whatever you do don't just brush this off.

[ridemesideways]

I think this was just a sleep deprived one off

That's not your call to explain. How he deals with it will tell you a lot about who he is. That's not necessarily the man you've been with for 4.5 years, but it's the man you have now, who is supposed to love, protect and support you.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He is doing more than just forgetting, he is acting like nothing has happened. Which to him is correct, he does not feel like he has acted out of turn here. There is neither remorse from him nor any acceptance of responsibility for his actions.

[ridemesideways]

And even then it might be too late. This guy comes across as not giving a shit about what he did to you!