Having a relationship with a difficult parent

[WaterWorld]

Have had to name change due to relatives being on this site also.

My DFather is of the opinion that he is head of the family. He is retired and married to DM, they have two adult married children and one single, who in turn have their own children. Head of the family (for him) translates to grand gestures like buying holiday tickets so we all holiday together, demanding of his daughters husbands that they provide well for them, announcing at the dinner table his status of head of the family, interfering with friends and family of his children, giving gifts and determining how and when they are used - you get the idea).

My DM and I are guilty of not tackling DF (definitely easier not to argue), I would generally omit to tell him of anything controversial and i have always struggled to openly 'disobey' things e.g. a holiday invitation! DSibling has enjoyed many more distant years having moved away at 18, complied less and suffered masses of 'bad press' as a result, though since having her own children has turned into the prodigal daughter and is back in the fold.

I on the other hand am currently out of the fold. My DH will not tolerate DF's interference in his own life, relatives and finances. I agree it is intolerable and our position is a joint one. Henceforth the relationship with my DF has broken down. Life is quieter and calmer without DF's interference, moods and vocal judgements. It has been a year. We are still in touch with DM. My siblings listen to DF's complaining about us and are prone to trying to speak to me without my DH present to try to persuade me of things against my better judgement.

Fine. Except that my 7 year old DS loves and would like to see Grandad.

This is Grandad who is currently making 'will' related threats to me, and personality assassinations because we are not falling into line with his requirements.

The current verbal torrent of 'issues' with me stems from me making an invitation to Grandad and Grandma to meet them at a suitable attraction in the school holidays to facilitate some positive contact for DS.

Grandad made a counter offer to visit his house (me and DS only DH not welcome) and said no to our suggestion.

DH and I do feel for DS and are strong enough to try to facilitate a positive day out for DS's benefit but consider neutral territory essential.

What to do?

Lotta You are courageous to tackle this with professional help.

I am feeling like hiding from it!

This rings a very strong bell
conditioned to put their feelings first at all times

I have another coping strategy - eating :(
I am seeing a dietician trying to get it under control.

The dietician will help you to decide the practical side of changing your diet. A counsellor / psychotherapist would help you to understand the reasons for your eating patterns.

I don't blame you for wanting to hide! It's seriously painful stuff and I have occasionally wondered just why I got myself into the process of opening up the big box of agony and shit and working through it, instead of just leaving it all on the shelf where it was. The thing is though, feelings will find their way out. I was angry all the time, very snappy with my partner, couldn't let anything go, extremely highly strung and sensitive and was eating and drinking way too much - all as a way of coping with the feelings I didnt' even know I had. Now, I am far from being the little Zen centre of the universe, but I am so much happier - calmer, more at peace with myself, so much less angry, able to trust myself and my own judgement, better able to be 'me' rather than the person my parents thought I 'should' be.

I can't recommend it enough. Its a very tough, painful process and it will be a long haul, but the rewards are incredible.

I often think of the advice I got on this thread but have still struggled to do anything other than try to 'mend' the relationship.

After several attempts and more and more heartache I have got the message.

He simply does not actually crave the happy extended family I do. Can't believe I missed this!!!!

He simply can't put our childs needs even close to his.

What he wants is a group of people (aka family) who do what suits him and who have no allegiance with each other (lest they gang up on him) and who recognise his authority and willingly accept his interference.

He and I spoke on the phone yesterday and the nastiness and threats and bullying were all there loud and clear. He has found two more ways to make financial threats to me. He says he has told all my relatives what we have done! Incidentally it is not clear what we have done - the one thing he came up with was factually incorrect and he would not expand further. However though he can't come up with anything we have done wrong he makes a lot of long winded noise about his disapproval of our actions, things like - we visited MIL when he was hoping we'd go there etc.

Worst of all last month, via my mother, he managed to have a phone call with DS without our knowledge and DS is now asking my why I 'made Grandad sad'.

Clearly my own father will stop at nothing at all to damage all my relationships including my relationship with my own son and my DH and also my financial well being.

SO i am clear now that the dream of a happy family is a mirage and I will not pursue that mirage any longer.

I will protect us from my stupid dreams somehow

for everyone who has or is travelling similar paths and thank you to all the advisors on this thread.

Waterworld your dreams are not stupid. But they are dreams. I'm really glad that the safety of your own little family is your number one priority. Have you put safety measures in place to keep your son safe from intrusive phone calls?
With regards to him telling your relatives about what you are supposed to have done, don't get too wound up. It is instinctive to want to put the story straight, but in this kind of scenario, silence is often a better option. Those family members who have eyes to see and ears to hear will seek you out to listen to what is really going on. Those who are taken in aren't worth your time and energy. Give him enough rope and he will truly hang himself.
I don't know if you have read anything on dysfunctional families, but 'Toxic Parents - Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life' by Susan Forward is a really good place to start.
You might want to hop over to the Stately Homes thread for more support as you navigate through this.
Stay strong.

My love, you have tried, but as you say, he'll destroy you and your family.

No contact. And make sure your mother knows never ever to pull a phone call stunt again.

You also need to have a conversation about this to ds.

Sometimes people do and say things that upsets us, and it's bad and we can't fix it because this was not our choice.

Ask him if he had a friend in school who was mean to him, would he just go on as usual, or take a break from him for a while?

This is hideous. But there will always be another "incident" .... in 4 weeks, 6 months whatever.....and another.

I am glad that you have seen the light.

You cannot show your son that someone who dismisses, disrespects and cuts out his father is courted, rewarded and complied with.......so wrong.

Take yourself out of punching distance. Your DM cannot be trusted - she is not capable. Your Dad is a fruit bat, a bully, a narc, an abusive man - do not let him demonise your DH and pollute and destroy your marriage and family.

Shocked this morning at the effort I have put in to fix this and the strain it has put on me and my little family

Time to regroup, thank you whkn hissy popple

Coming to terms with the realisation that it suits him for all his 'followers' to be general disgruntled with each other and that this has been due to his constant manipulations and undercurrent.

I have just realised that by letting my Dad and other relatives know that DS was missing him and that I was so upset this whole time all we have done is give him stuff to leverage against us! My mum has got more and more distraught too.

And what does my Dad do, well of course he lets it be known by anyone who will listen that DS, Mum and my Siblings and their kids are all being hurt by my refusal to see him on his terms (i.e. without DH being allowed to be there).

I thought his human side would look to rectify things asap to stop the hurt but in fact it was just ammunition - bigger and more emotive than any slight he can pick out of thin air that we might have done over the years.

OMG realisation has well and truly dawned

I'm so sorry, I wish there was something to make this hurt any less, but there isn't. 😪

What your mother did was terrible. But hopefully helps you to see she is your DF enabler and as bad as he is-complicit in his toxic behaviour. If you continue to allow her access to your DS she will continue to overtly and covertly push his agenda and try and alienate you from your DS. Think of it this way-it makes her life easier to bring you and your family back into line for your DF. She is willing to use your DS for her own gain.

These people will attempt to "hoover" you back in by any means necessary- guilt, emotional manipulation, flying monkeys, awful threatening letters and texts, fake illnesses. It is really endless. Once you break out of the FOG the manipulation is just so obvious. But when you've been conditioned to respond to it all your life it's so difficult to view it objectively.

Regarding DM Moog

We have realised that by letting DM see our hurt she has been feeding the fire because he has cleverly turned the upsetting knowledge she takes to him of our distress (loss of family relationships all round and peace of mind) into our 'crime' (of upsetting her and DSiblings and him and our DS etc.)

I also realise that about 18 moths ago I asked him to stop picking on DH and said he was putting pressure on my marriage by doing so and what did he do with this knowledge - yes - he ramped up the pressure and unreasonable demands. He tried to make me choose him over DH.

Now I get it I am thoroughly shocked.