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Relationships

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Original poster

Has he got feelings for me or am I trying to see something that isn't there?

72 replies

FoxMuldersSister · 10/02/2016 20:49

My ex and I were together for about three months, although we knew each other a little bit before that. We split up as we lived quite far apart, both had busy lives and to be completely honest - I felt like I was more into him than he was me. He's not at all verbally reassuring, he wasn't good at making plans, he needed a lot of solitude and I felt a lot of the time I was wondering if he still liked me which isn't common for me. He also said a few things a few times that led me to believe he wasn't seeing a future or a serious commitment. I had a lot of feelings for him so felt I was going to get hurt and decided to stop seeing him for my own good.

I explained at the time it was because we didn't see each other often enough. He was okay with it, he's a very passive person and he just said he respected my decision. I took that lack of fight as confirmation I made the right decision, cried a lot and tried to get on with life.

He does have a general air of "can't be bothered" with things that made me feel a bit like he couldn't be bothered with me and he's very pessimistic about love in the things that he says.

That was three months ago, and we carried on talking now and then and still get on very well but we haven't seen each other, although he has said several times that he wants to see me or get together.

He does a few things that just make me feel maybe there might be something there between us. For one thing, he messages me quite a lot. If I send him a message he tries to make the conversation go on as long as possible.

He also does little things, like for example he sent me a text at midnight on new year so he thought about me at that moment which was nice. He has phoned a few times and we've talked and he's said that he misses seeing me (not quite the same as saying he misses me!) and has also said he finds me more attractive than anyone else he's met before and he reminisces a lot about things we did together and says he still looks at photos of me.

We have both been on dates and felt nothing for the other person. He has also been busted watching my facebook page (as he made comments he could only have known if he was reading it) although we are not friends on there, so he is going out of his way I guess to look at me.

Then yesterday he just showed up at my house to see me and he lives over an hour and a half away so it's quite a journey. I wasn't home but he sent me a message to say that he wanted to suprise me, that it as very unlike him to do something like that but he thought it was the sort of thing I would like.

I was thinking that if he actually wanted me, he would have made more effort when we were together because he really didn't, and he is a person who seems to be happy with seeing me every two weeks and not much contact in between, which for me is not enough to feel close. I am not sure if all of this is about him wanting to get his leg over, or if he might have feelings too?

If he did he'd not admit it, but still have feelings for him so don't want to see him at all if it's not for the right reasons.

OP posts:

pumpkinmoon1 · 11/02/2016 13:31

One of the things I have learned and I am still trying to get through my thick head is that if it feels casual on their part it probably is. When someone is into you, when they want to spend time with you, you know it, you can feel it. You don't feel insecure in a relationship when the other person's heart is in it, however you do feel insecure when their heart isn't in it.

Slowdecrease · 11/02/2016 13:33

But don't all relationships start casually? The alternative is 'lovebombing' which is very much frowned upon on MN

Helmetbymidnight · 11/02/2016 13:35

I don't think love bombing is the only alternative of casual.

If you like passive, not bothered communication, this is the guy for you.

Slowdecrease · 11/02/2016 13:40

Thats true enough. You have to be pretty chilled out to get through this bit to get to the good stuff and yes I agree casual does feel very different to potential - but I also think a lot of women can't differentiate and making texting the way to call it.

pumpkinmoon1 · 11/02/2016 13:41

Sorry, maybe I didn't explain very well. I just meant that when someone wants to see you and is genuinely interested in you, you know it. When they view it as a casual arrangement and they aren't serious about seeing where things could go, you feel that too.

Slowdecrease · 11/02/2016 13:45

I agree. But I still think 12 weeks is the infancy of a potential relationship so it can (and I think should) start of casual and not too heavy on both sides ideally in the interests of building and longevity. But purely casual things I think fade completely after sex or become just about that and then it's blindingly obvious they aren't arsed.

Helmetbymidnight · 11/02/2016 13:51

But this guy messages loads.

Its just he shows no motivation to meet or be together.

Millliii · 11/02/2016 13:51

pumpkin I agree. If they are into you, you just know it. They make you aware of it. They cant help it.
Slow thanks. So he made plans to see you every weekend in the beginning. Now see that is normal. Not bothering for a week to ten days so that the OP finds herself with nothing to do over the weekend is just not right. I know she has her own life and friends but dating exclusively generally means that you have a date for the weekend. If he is keen this is planned midweek though and not at the last minute as an afterthought.

Slowdecrease · 11/02/2016 13:57

No he didn't make plans.. the first date we had we slept together/woke up together and he said "I am coming to you next weekend" which I put him off as I wasn't ready for him to be in my space but we saw each other about ten days later and then I mainly would say "so are we seeing each other soon or what?" And by month two we were seeing each other every weekend or so and then it just became the norm really. At the start it was always me (apart from that first time) that suggested we saw each other, always.

Slowdecrease · 11/02/2016 14:00

And I agree he should be making plans too. What I don't agree is that because he isn't it's assumed he's either a headfuck or doesn't care about OP. As OP said herself she has loads going on herself. At first she said she doesn't want to see him more then she does, its a mixed message - she needs to be straight with him and consistent because a man won't invest his feelings and emotions into anything that feels unsafe - they are just as vulnerable as we are.

Jw35 · 11/02/2016 14:26

He's not into you, it's obvious! He likes hanging out and sleeping with you but he doesn't mind that you ended it. He's not worth your time

Original poster

FoxMuldersSister · 11/02/2016 14:27

Mmmmm....it's hard because it's not consistent. If I could say he was always a certain way then it'd be easier.

On our first date, he asked me out again half way through it, and messaged me within two days to say he couldn't think of anything else. He is capable of it. I think he is just very jumpy about getting to close so I don't think this is him, I think it's him keeping a distance. He's admitted that.

I have let him know that not seeing him much isn't a problem for me, but that not making plans is. I have let him know that when he goes quite it makes me feel anxious so he knows that too. He isn't stupid.

I think the bottomline is that he does like me a lot, misses me, has feelings but also isn't seeing a linear development as someone said earlier. He is seeing passionate fling with woman he really fancies and likes a lot but a big "no" to becoming too emotionally entangled.

I think that's the basic problem. If he jumped in, I think he'd actually be a pretty fantastic boyfriend as he has all the skills and he is such a good fit with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

FoxMuldersSister · 11/02/2016 14:33

If I am trusting my gut, my gut said he was into me, was very attracted but wasn't into a long relationship with a lot of emotional closeness so he was trying to keep a barrier up to stop that. So if my gut is right, I suppose him showing up at the door probably means that hasn't changed, but maybe I should just ask him

OP posts:

Jw35 · 11/02/2016 14:47

Op I really don't know why you have so much sympathy for his issues with not wanting to get close to you? Surely if he likes you enough he would let that barrier down? Why are you prepared to be involved with someone who's not ready for the kind of relationship you want? His reasons just sound like excuses to me, I think if you were 'the one' he wouldn't be talking like that. I think you're kidding yourself and twisting yourself in knots about a non committal bloke who's keeping you dangling.

Original poster

FoxMuldersSister · 11/02/2016 14:53

I don't have sympathy I ended the relationship!!! We've been broken up for months I I have said no to every attempt from him to see me

OP posts:

Slowdecrease · 11/02/2016 15:38

Your gut said he was well into you but not up for a long relationship but in the nicest possible way and not to labour the point I hope 1/ How can anyone tell in the space of three weeks if they see a future together - I know some people leap right in - that doesn't mean it will last in fact in more cases than not I'd be willing to bet it burns out fairly quickly 2/ If you honestly told him "I'm not that bothered about seeing you that much" - put yourself on the receiving end of that, hear it yourself. If it was said to you, would you throw yourself into a relationship with the person who said it, or would you keep a distance? Lets imbue men for once with the sensitivities that we want to believe they possess. You say he has a barrier up, would hearing someone say I don't want to see you much but want to make plans because I'm really busy make that barrier come down or would the slow build of mutual trust do it?

If a guy said to me I'm not bothered about seeing you but I want to make plans , honestly I'd assume he was telling the truth - that he could take me or leave me but wanted to pencil me in as a filler at some point. Put yourself in his shoes. You're refusing all his attempts to see you, so what is it you actually want?

Slowdecrease · 11/02/2016 15:39

three months sorry not three weeks

Twinklestein · 11/02/2016 15:44

I disagree - I don't think he's headfucking you at all I thing he's at an appropriate place for 12 weeks in

Erm, he's not in, he's out.

OP, when you were together he fancied you but wasn't that bothered. Now you've split he's bothered enough to visit but not quite enough to make sure you're in.

It will always be like this.

Original poster

FoxMuldersSister · 11/02/2016 15:47

It's difficult to explain, but in the first three months (or first month actually) I can generally tell if a man is investing or not investing and I felt he was not. I could have continued to see him for another three months and felt I would be in the same place of seeing him a few times a month with little in between and little growth because he was doing the opposite of growth, it felt to me like he wanted me and didn't want me at the exact same time.

Of course I didn't say to him I didn't want to see him, I just said that not seeing each other much was okay if you kept the flame lit in between.

OP posts:

Original poster

FoxMuldersSister · 11/02/2016 15:48

So Twinklestein you think he fancies me and feels something, but not enough?

OP posts:

daisychain01 · 11/02/2016 16:18

Sorry have to chime in, he blows hot and cold. Yes he is "capable" of communication and engagement, but if it's this bad after 12 weeks then I'd be thinking, just make up your mind, be consistent.

All the naffing around that goes on in relationships, the game playing or just the lack of ability to either move things forward positively or pull the plug seems to be given license so much. Its too early, you're too needy. Etc etc. Hmm no, actually it's about "I want to have more than a tiny clue what you want without me having to play guess the mood you're in today! 3 months ie 12 weeks by my reckoning is about the watershed.

When I look back at the relationships I've had, I've known gut instinct whether it's heading in the right direction. What does your gut instinct really tell you OP because that's the best way of deciding!

daisychain01 · 11/02/2016 16:21

Actually sorry I didn't notice your latest update, you've said what you feel! It sadly seems you are putting all the energy in, and he's passive. I think you deserve better.

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