Please help me prepare my 'speech'

[newstartnewthinking]

Hi,

I've a few threads pretty much covering all the basics of my messed up life as far as relationships go. Last few were www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2544069-I-am-going-to-ruin-this-please-stop-me, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2561297-More-confusion-May-be-trivial and www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2563526-Please-help-me-rebuild-my-life

Cringe worthy looking through, but I did receive some good advice - Thank you.

Things have made a turn (hopefully for the better). My Ex, that I believe I got so very wrong with his intentions towards a younger female colleague and doubting his feelings for me, has agreed to meet for dinner this weekend (at my suggestion) to discuss what has happened and see if/where we can go from here.

We haven't had a face to face since we split. In fact my emotions got the better of me and I ended up conducting the majority of the argument via text as I was too upset. He was very calm and dignified, whereas I was sulky and accusing.

Now, when we meet, I know that I need to remain composed, speak calmly, not be accusing and listen to what he needs to say. BUT, I also run the risk of conforming/agreeing to restarting this relationship on his terms. As much as I think he is a great guy and got him wrong about a fair few things, I still remain firm (at least in my mind!) that he was a little thoughtless to my feelings. and I know that his only solution in his head, was that we put us on hold for the next 6 weeks until his exams are finished. I'll be totally honest, I'm not OK with that. We are very early days relationship and our getting to know each other stage had already been cut short due to his exams. Which I accepted and supported and even encouraged. But being on hold as in no contact or relationship feels a bit flakey to me and I'm even now struggling to articulate why I feel that.

The question is, how do I get my point across without looking unreasonable? And how do I remain firm about my decision, even at the risk that he may then say that that doesn't work for him. I know I'm likely to cave because I have spent all my relationships being dictated to and giving in for an easy life etc.. I know he's a decent guy, and if he comes to that decision, it wont be for manipulative reasons. But I need to say what I mean and mean what I say.

Gosh this is so rambley that it barely makes sense to me. I hope someone is able to work out what I'm trying to say here!!

Thanks in advance.

Not read your other threads but for a very early days relationship this sounds like a lot of drama and angst. My advice would be stop second guessing him go no contact and move on.

I don't think you should meet him. You aren't in a good place to have a healthy relationship just now. NC and move on.

You have instigated the meeting and you want to prepare a speech but I don't see the point myself. I think you are trying too hard.

Have you had therapy OP? I ask because, having read your threads, you sound too intense and over invested in this relationship. It doesn't sound to me as though you should be dating anyone right now.

I feel drained reading your threads. I expect you feel rather worn out too.

I see where you are all coming from. I am on waiting list for therapy.

OK, on the surface, I'm bubbly and easy going - put me in a relationship and I get anxious and intense I guess.

All previous relationships have been abusive or generally bad. He is NOT like that. I messed up. He still likes me, but has doubts because of my anxiety etc.. But wants to see if we can resolve things. I want to meet him as he could be good for me. But I don't want it just on his terms

The thing is, you need to have your head in the right place before you start any relationship, even with someone who is nice and honest.

Until you are able to be at peace with yourself and not get 'anxious and intense' you won't be able to have a successful relationship. And putting the onus on a partner to 'be good for you' to either cure your ills or to not upset you isn't fair.

Cancel the meeting, tell him you wish him a good life and back out of dating until you've had therapy.

But 'his terms' means what? That he's allowed to focus on important exams without having to deal with your intense need to have him text you constantly, and question him about his friendships, and generally transfer all the stuff you haven't worked out about your own insecurities onto him? What are 'your terms'? How do you mean 'resolve things'? I can't work out what 'your decision' is - to break up? Not to break up? To get back together after six weeks? If your decision was to break up, then stick to it!

I've read your three threads and like other PPs, they're exhausting. So many posters have tried to tell you that the problem is not this relationship but the unresolved legacy you've got from previous ones. You really need to sort yourself out first. No relationship with anyone, not even a saint, is going to make you happy until you're not depending on it for validation. Don't rely on him to be 'good for you' - be good for yourself.

You mention DC in previous threads: isn't it worth pushing for counselling if only to model healthy self-worth within relationships to them?

You have at least four threads about this man and you are thinking of starting it all up again. How could that be good for you in any way?

We are very early days relationship and our getting to know each other stage had already been cut short due to his exams

It seems to me that your 'getting to know each other stage^ has been cut short due to your unreasonable jealousy and possessiveness.

It also seems to me that you don't know how to conduct a relationship with men who are not losers because your desperate need to find a man who makes you feel "worthy and wanted" has led you to latch on to a succession of abusive men who are willing to rush into 'commitment' in order to exercise control of you but, of course, at the time you're oblivious to their hidden agenda as your need is being met.

The speech you should be preparing is one of abject apology for taking his attention away from his exams, and I suggest you also prepare yourself for the possibility that this decent guy may decide to put "us" on hold forever. Fwiw if he'd posted on this board I have no doubt he would, rightly, have been told to run for the hills because anyone who wants too much too early in a relationship, or shows signs of being a drama llama, is to be avoided at all costs.

Apart from your dc, what do you have going on in your life that can distract you from obsessing about having a man to validate you? Do you have a career or a hobby you can focus on in order to start building much needed self-esteem?

Think of all of the life skills you've acquired and all of the positive qualities you possess that can be used to enhance the lives of others which will, in turn enhance your opinion of yourself so that you are content to let relationships with the opposite sex take their natural course rather than prematurely trying to make them fit into the box of 'coupledom' just because it makes you feel more secure - you've surely learned from experience that this type of security is false?

You need to step back and develop a more philosophical approach to relationships. However they pan out you'll survive and, as it's often the case that the best things in life are worth wating for. why deny yourself the pleasure of leisurely getting to know someone and discovering whether they are truly right for you before you emotionally invest in, or otherwise commit to, them?

The above may seem harsh, but you need a huge wake up call to ensure that the rest of your life doesn't mirror what's gone before.

I should have added that in my limited experience of this board few bother to click on links to other threads or have time to read umpteen pages of same old and posting multiple threads on the same subject can convey the impression that the OP only wants to hear what they want to hear.

For these reasons you're best advised to stick to the same thread and return to it with updates as and when. In addition, confining yourself to one thread on this particular board provides a 'progress chart' of sorts showing how far you've come - or not as the case may be - since you first posted here.

I think I have been completely upfront and honest about my behaviour and have acknowledged I'm at fault. I realise I need honest answers, but some are rather harsh. Yes my posts maybe draining and boring to you, but it is my life and how I am feeling, and I'd hoped for some gentle advice/support rather that reinforcing how useless and bad I actually feel and am.

He is the one saying he misses me and wants to work something out. I suggested this weekend.

I have had abusive relationships and have low self esteem. But I have already been proactive in booking counselling.

I've not committed anything terrible like being an OW. I'm lost, sad and messed up. I now feel worse.

No more threads. I'm sorry for boring you all!

Oh, OP, don't flounce.

No one is saying you're useless. Your threads are draining because your anxiety and unhappiness leaps off the screen, so it must be unbearable in your actual head. But read what posters are unanimously telling you: that you should be the person you should be trying to work things out with, not some bloke you've had quite a stressful few months with already. YOU need some love, and some special time, and some straight talking - and ideally a counsellor who can be objective and help you with your self-esteem.

Getting back into this cycle of anxiety and neediness really isn't going to help.

OP , in the nicest possible way, you need to grow up and stop this bullshit.

I wouldn't meet him again, because you are in no way capable at present of being in a supportive (of him) relationship at present. His career and progression is on his mind, you need to find something equally important to direct your energies towards and you will find, magically that your horizons broaden and relationships take their rightful place in your life. You may already have a brilliant career I don't know so in that case find something else that motivates you and you clearly have too much thinking time. Yes. You probably very much contributed to this being a non-relationship, however if it was the right one you would know . It isn't,for multiple reasons. Move on.

I'm lost, sad and messed up. I now feel worse.

I'm sorry you feel worse. But if you do feel as you say, then that's another reason to work on yourself before you try to embark on a relationship.

I did. I wasn't happy with the type of man I was 'picking'. So I stopped dating completely and went into therapy to figure out why I did the things I did and why I picked the men I picked. I wasn't ready to be an any relationship, with a good man or a bad one. It was the best thing I could have done and worth every penny and all the hard work.

I think, when you've had time to reflect, you'll realize that you're 'killing the messenger' here. You may not like the way we are saying it, but that doesn't mean the message is invalid or that we're attacking you. It just means that you don't like what you're hearing since it involves doing something you don't want to do; not seeing this guy and working on yourself.