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Relationships

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Original poster

Other half seems to resent me

28 replies

bek1066 · 10/02/2016 01:36

I'm so confused. I thought my relationship with my partner of 22 years was good. A few months ago he told me he was unhappy. Various things like, lack of sex life, not putting an effort in looks wise (as in that I've put weight on) and that he hates that I'm bothered about having a nice home (tidy, decorated etc, he thinks it's a waste of time off) the list goes on. First we talked and things got much better. Now its all kicked off again and he seems to contradict half the stuff he complained about before! (I'm too needy, want to spend too much time with him. He's not in the mood for sex etc) I had a pregnancy scare recently and tonight he said (in not so many words) that if I'd been pregnant and gone through with it he'd have left me...to say I was shocked by this would be an understatement. Basically he seems to be feeling like he's missed out on life after we had a child so young (we were was 17) he wants to travel and is blaming me for stopping him (I'm terrified of flying and suffer from anxiety). He's now telling me he wants to go China this summer...even though he knows I can't get enough time off work to go this late on (my work holls get booked way in advance) it's like he's just saying something he knows I can't sort out. I suggested a week somewhere closer to give me a chance to get my head round the flight, but he just says I'm stopping him doing what he needs to do. If I'm being honest I think he wants to leave me...I'm terrified by this, I have some good friends but lost both my parents young (this caused some of my anxiety problems) so don't have much of a support network. It sounds pathetic but I really do love him and thought we'd get though anything together, I'm feeling heartbroken.

OP posts:

FrancesNiadova · 10/02/2016 03:08

What do you want, Bek?
It all seems to be on his terms, with you having to run round to please him.
What does he do to make you happy?

AlwaysHopeful1 · 10/02/2016 03:45

Sorry you're going through a tough time. It does sound like he desperately wants out. Becoming parents at the very young age of 17, most people want to do a lot more before that happens. He's clearly feeling like he missed out. And he blames you for that. You can still be great parents to your dc and be happier apart.

AnyFucker · 10/02/2016 04:26

I would bet my house he is sagging someone wise

When he first complained about you he had his eye on her/them

Now he has crossed the line...with the sane one or another one/several

AnyFucker · 10/02/2016 04:27

Same*

AnyFucker · 10/02/2016 04:28

Jesus auto correct !

*shagging someone else

newname99 · 10/02/2016 04:50

He sounds as if he wants out of the relationship.Could be he has met someone else or it could be that you have each changed so much as you have grown up and are no longer compatible.
Are you both approaching 40? I did start to question my life at that stage as suddenly you realise you are middle aged.Have the dc's left home? Some events can be triggers for re apprasing life.
I love to travel so can relate to his need to go to China.If he has put your needs ahead of his for many years then I can see why it's important to him.

WombOfOnesOwn · 10/02/2016 06:14

I agree that he's shagging someone else. The "I'm taking a vacation (somewhere I know you can't go for multiple reasons)" thing is a HUGE red flag.

AnyFucker · 10/02/2016 06:30

He is massively setting you up to fail so he can say he tried, you don't want the same things any more, you have grown apart blah blah blah

To justify him looking elsewhere.

Original poster

bek1066 · 10/02/2016 07:55

I honestly don't think there is another party involved.(He doesn't come home late and is open with him phone) If he went on the holiday he says he would ask our son to go too, so it's not like he's wanting to go with someone else. I think it's far more that he feels like he missed out when we were young. Dealing with my grief when I lost my mum (at 18), then my dad soon after I know he found hard. Like he had to "look after" me and become my parent and partner. Creative opportunities came up years ago for him that he didn't take (he said he wanted to be with us) All this did start after our son left home for uni. We are both about to turn 40 and our son is leaving uni with the world at his feet. I guess this is where it's all coming from. I just wish we could talk it out in a proactive way, not him just attacking our life together. We've never stopped each other doing anything, quite the opposite. He's frustrated too that I'm happy to coast, I should apparently want more in life. Yet he can't tell me what he actually wants.

OP posts:

HolgerDanske · 10/02/2016 08:02

Classic midlife crisis, and yes, watching your son prepare to go out into the world with his whole life ahead of him has probably been one of the major factors in bringing it on. I was a young mum and put my whole youth and then some into raising my children so I can relate a bit to how he feels. But it's how you cope with these feelings that matters. He's being very unfair to accuse you of holding him back when he doesn't actually know what he wants.

He needs to sort it out. Whether he can or not only time will tell, I guess. But if your worst fears materialise and he no longer wants to be with you then you absolutely can learn to be your own resource for strength and courage. It's really not as awful as you think, being alone and having only yourself to lean on.

wallywobbles · 10/02/2016 08:04

Could you cope if he and your son went to China for a month or so together?

I would be unhappy in his shoes and feel tied down. I would feel like I'd had my wings cut if I could never go further than a car ride away.

IMHO he does have some really valid points that are not going to go away. He (you both) has missed out on all the things a young adult does and he still wants to do them.

Can you find a way to let him do them? A week away somewhere is really not the same thing. Sorry not what you probably want to hear.

Marchate · 10/02/2016 08:06

If you're certain he's not having an affair, he's maybe 'looking around'

Sorry your life is getting messed up. Men hankering for their youth are SO annoying!

HolgerDanske · 10/02/2016 08:08

Actually yes I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing for him to visit China with your son. Life is for living and there's nothing worse than feeling as if you're sleepwalking through life. But make sure you have a holiday too either at the same time or later this year at a time that suits you. Maybe take some time to develop yourselves outside of the relationship, so not always having to do things together.

helhathnofury · 10/02/2016 08:26

I can totally relate to where he is coming from as well, and doesnt mean there is someone else. Though he is not being fair to you with his attitude, I recognise this is what I am doing to my dh.
I have turned 40 and a life threatening illness have made me unsettled and want more from life, and like him don't really know what that entails.
Maybe letting him and your son go will get it out if his system, give him something to plan and look forward to. At the same time think what you would like and go for it - doesn't have to be travel.

plainjanine · 10/02/2016 12:18

I'd say that he's emotionally backing out of the relationship. He's saying he wants things he knows you can't accommodate. He knows this will cause conflict. He just hasn't quite got the backbone to say he wants to leave.

Find a time when you're both in agood mood and talk about it calmly. Ask him outright if he wants to separate. Of course, he'll probably say "no" whether or not he does. But I'd still put it out there. His reactions might be interesting.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 10/02/2016 15:46

I think this is definitely a turning 40 "thing" - and the fact that you have both just waved your DS off to Uni. It highlights the very stark contrast between your DS's life (just starting and full of possibilities) and your DH's life (in his head - over).

As you had your DS young (and even if you didn't actually), I can see that now seems like a great time, to release yourselves of (some) parental responsibility and grasp a new lease of life. My own DH and I have said for quite some time, that next year we want to really start to travel a lot (youngest is off to Uni this summer, so nest will be empty).

Surely one of the benefits of having your DS so very young, is that now he's gone, you're still REALLY young! Don't forget, you didn't "live it up" when you were young, so neither of you have ever really had any freedom. You may not be that fussed, but clearly he is.

I cannot imagine, having an empty nest, but having my wings clipped because of an anxious Partner. I would find that irritating (sorry).

Could you have counselling/hypnotherapy to try to treat your travel anxieties?

Could you compromise and plan China for next year (then you'll have time to book the time off work).

Having said all of the above, the comment he made about not staying with you, if you were Pregnant, is truly terrible.

PosieReturningParker · 10/02/2016 15:51

Leave him, or (like my parents who married at 17/18) He'll wait until you're 59 and leave you then.

I'd ask for counselling or an end.

My father felt like this at forty and it didn't go away, it grew and was nasty. He eventually left my mother for a woman my age, my mother still hasn't recovered four years later.

PosieReturningParker · 10/02/2016 15:54

Jesus Christ..... not china. China is full of poor and desperate women.... I know so many marriages that have not survived a man's trip/work in China.

stinkysnowbear · 10/02/2016 16:09

Can't you quit your job and go too? Put your house up for rent and embrace life and travel together? That is 100% what I would do.

Original poster

bek1066 · 10/02/2016 16:37

Massive thank you for all the comments. I did indeed suggest a trip a little closer this year (as i cant get much time off) and going long haul next year. He said he didn't want to wait. It irritates me as he's not really seemed to want to travel, now it's this huge thing. We have flown to a couple of European countries and I went to bloody Hong Kong with him a few years ago, so he can't say I haven't put an effort in. I also desperately want to travel I just need to get a grip on my anxiety. I told him I'd 100% support him if he went with our son this year but it would be nicer to wait till next year and go together. I'll try to talk to him when he gets home, hopefully we can be honest and sort some stuff out either way. I always though once our son was on his feet it could be "our time". I suggested selling up and doing something crazy or renting the house and having an adventure and he didn't seem keen. I also offered to work more so he could cut down his hours to have more freedom, he didnt like this either, hence my confusion. Maybe it's just me he's board of.

OP posts:

PosieReturningParker · 10/02/2016 16:41

Just ask him, ask him if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Ask the difficult questions now, finding someone new is easier at 40 than 50.

AnyFucker · 10/02/2016 17:01

Do not quit your job. If this man fucks off (sounds like he has one foot out the door already) you will be left up shit creek.

HolgerDanske · 10/02/2016 19:32

I agree, don't leave your job. He may work through the ennui and restlessness - many do - but if he can't sort it out then you need to be able to be independent from him if needed.

I hope it works out for you. But please please please do NOT let him somehow blame you for how he is feeling. He feels this way independently of you, and you can't fix it for him.

Norest · 10/02/2016 19:46

Well it could be that he feels he missed out and he wants to do things which you are not interested in (such as foreign travel) and feels the resentment that he can't.

Why is it such a big deal if he and your son go on a trip to China together if you are not up for the flight?

Now your son is pretty much independent are there not ways that you can both try new things and expand your horizons? Or if you prefer to 'coast' then ways you can get on board with him exploring more?

Maybe the China thing if it is financially realistic will help him to feel he has done a 'bucket list' sort of trip. and then you can plan together a trip closer to home where you might be able to get your head around the travelling?

Kirk123 · 10/02/2016 21:31

Posie I agree with you, my husband did the same at 40 mid life crisis re emigrating to oz ,we got over that stage just about , now he has just left ,me at 50 I should of seen the red flags , he now has his youth with a ow 10 years younger with 2 small kids , silly old fool! I wish I had done it at 40 now !! Your son off to uni , just like mine did , as if your uni son wants his dad travelling with him! Just reflect this is not your problem ,don't try and fix him , you can't love for two , I feel he may be backing away from you, sorry to say that but don't take any blame xx

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