Stuck in a miserable marriage, desperate for help

[Mamaka]

I'm in a miserable marriage. We met 7 years ago and married 2 years later. Both of us were, I would say, vulnerable and a bit confused when we met, and thought the other one was solving all of our own problems. We now have 2 children and it is plain to see that not only are we completely mismatched but we really bring out the worst in each other. We fight a lot, he is passive aggressive and refuses to communicate with me, I get into a rage at him, he calls me crazy, I scream awful things at him...it goes on and on. Sometimes this happens in front of the children.
I know it sounds like we should go our separate ways but both of us are determined to stick it out for the sake of our kids. We both grew up in dysfunctional families and don't want to repeat that. We really do want them to have two loving parents but just can't figure it out.
Two nights ago he woke me up to whisper to me that he hated me. This was the last straw for me, this is the worst it has ever been, and all day yesterday I thought about divorce and escape and a fresh start. Last night he apologised to me and said his mood is all over the place and he can't get a grip on his feelings. To be honest I have also felt like I've hated him in the past and I have probably shouted it at him too. It just shocked me when he said it to me as he is usually so non communicative. It felt really final.
To list a few of our problems:
We don't communicate effectively. He says I talk/nag too much. He doesn't talk at all and withdraws, goes on phone obsessively, etc whether things are going well or badly.
We don't really enjoy sex together. I don't feel attracted to him and often have sex out of a feeling of duty, and also because he's nice to me the next day (I am aware how this sounds).
We don't agree on anything. Often one of us just gives in to the other to avoid fighting but it always ends up coming up again later on.
He uses things I say against me so I feel I have to watch everything I say.
I'm making him sound horrific - but I really think I am just as bad to him. This is what I mean by we bring out the worst in each other. In other relationships, friends and family etc, I am really very nice, quite funny, a great listener and a loyal friend! But these qualities seem to disappear the second I step in the house.
I feel miserable and lonely and like I'm on the verge of doing something I will really regret (not like harming myself, more like leaving or having an affair or something).
Please help. I will take any advice but please be gentle. I'm not in a good place.

Oh, well done at having made the first important step and good to hear that you had a constructive first session. Anticipate stressful and harrowing conversations too, but catharsis can be good, right? That is what I am hoping for anyway… Good luck

Really pleased

Really pleased the first session was so positive. Hoping it continues

Well done to you both! What a milestone!

Just adding another story - I spent years feeling sad because I wasn't attracted to my xp and trying to be supportive when I basically didn't like or respect him very much (for good reason). I remember reading the relate guide to better relationships and thinking how depressing it all was.

We spent ages talking about the problems, but I was never honest about how I really felt. I'm not sure why I stayed so long.

I suppose I'm saying that a formerly wonderful relationship that has become bogged down in conflict or bad feeling over time is very different to a relationship that has always been bad for whatever reason.

Good luck to both of you, anyway. And if it doesn't work out, a friend said to me recently that her parente' divorce was the best thing that could have happened and she's grateful it did. Xxx

Well done you. Keep going, talk through everything - as others said it can take a while and sometimes you feel like the shittest shit after sessions. You've both taken a brave step.

Thank you all! One of the things that came up in the session last night was about affection (my husband admitted he doesn't need it and so doesn't give it) and today he came home from work and spontaneously gave me a cuddle, and tonight there have been 2 more unprompted cuddles! Sad as it sounds this is major progress for us. He also took the kids swimming while I was at work (again big progress) and I've spent time helping him prepare for a job interview and neither of us got angry, this would normally be perfect setting for a fight!
I do feel exhilarated. I'm under no illusions, I know we have a lot of work to do but we've purposely not talked about the session today so we can have a bit of a breather and get rid of some tension.
Indiejonas how is it going for you? Xx

Thanks for asking Mamaka. Things are definitely improving and I, my DH and my children are much happier. Still a long way to go, but we are taking positive steps in right direction every day!

That's great news, gives me hope for my situation too! How long have you been going?

We have had two sessions so far, so a long way to go! Good luck!

I never understand these OPs that say the relationship is horrendous but we are staying together for the kids, sorry but I don't believe that, you are staying together because you want to, if you really were concerned about the kids you'd have split long ago; it sound absolutely shit for kids to have to grow up watching you two fight like animals, really awful.

Sorry to be blunt but you are both responsible for your actions and from what you describe your kids will think this is normal.

I hope the counselling helps, I think you have a long road ahead and I hope you both manage to get there but tbh I just don't see it.

You'd be better having a trial separation whilst doing the counselling, I think you have normalised a lot of your behaviours, once you are apart you may start to see things for how bad they really are.

!!!!ZOMBIE!!!!

This is a thread from last year.
I wonder how @Mamaka got on.