Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dont know what to do next?

59 replies

reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:00

Trying to put all this in a nutshell........
Im a single mum mid 40s with a DS.
No real relationships for 10 years. The odd few disastrous ones!
For nearly 18 years there has been a guy in my life who I met through work. His history is one serious ex with whom he has a child with (14 years old) and who is now 'buying him out' of their joint property as he wants to buy somewhere for himself. We started to get close just after my ex cheated on me 10years ago. He was back and forth to his ex, I dont think he knew what he wanted, and she made things quite difficult to see his child if he didnt 'toe the line'.

Anyway for a good few years he has been telling me he loves me, wants to be with me. Tells me how beautiful i am daily in texts. I feel as though we are in a full time virtual relationship as he wont actually commit and tell me how he really feels and follow things through!

Met up with him at the weekend didnt sleep with him, it stirs up all my feelings for him. Then he goes cold. I know he is defo looking for a place by himself but he is still close with his ex, too close for my liking? He says how he hasnt slept with her for years yet only last year they went on holiday together? Albeit a huge gang of them and he says they didnt even share a room? I texted him this morning and again poured my heart out and said I am not prepared anymore to be intimate with him until I know its definately going somewhere? Whats the point? Im too long in the tooth now to piss about. I want to know we have a future? He wont give me a definate answer and texts back something sexual so i told him I give up, I told him everything he told me he wants, a nice woman, security, etc, is here on a plate for him I just need to know where I stand? I ended the conversation saying 'thats it, Im done now'............ I havent heard from him since. Ive deleted his number so I cant keep texting him. What do i do next? I do love him, as I say hes been in my life a long long time and I feel no other man will get a look in whilst he is in the picture.

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:32

Thankyou Jan I know what you are saying is right - it's owning up to it!

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 09/02/2016 16:33

But getting rid of any thoughts of him opens up the possibility of a proper relationship with a grown up - you said as much earlier - he's not worth your time and is probably causing or contributing to your lack of confidence

Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:34

Yes but he also makes me feel nice when I do see him and he makes me feel like the sexiest woman on the planet.

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:34

I feel good deleting his number .....

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 09/02/2016 16:37

I think in this situation I'd say, I've had enough of your trousers and no action, I've spelled it out for you, put your money where your mouth is or leave me the fuck alone.

Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:38

That's a good reply!!! Smile

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 09/02/2016 16:42

Having the never never dangling in front of you for years would sap anyone's confidence. He gives you just enough to keep you hoping, but not enough so you feel secure and loved in a relationship. Cut that string.

Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 16:42

I just keep feeling there is possibility of something happening? But then common sense prevails and I think what you all have told me! I've told him in no uncertain terms that I'm not prepared to be flirty or sexual with him again as I don't know where the fuck I stand. Do you know what his answer was? He asked if that meant I wouldn't be sending him any more sexy pictures (I have done this IN THE PAST, not recent)...... I felt that took my breath away!!!! Not a 'oh I do want you but..... Whatever the explanation ' it really hurt! X

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 09/02/2016 16:48

Yep, there's your answer

Kleptronic · 09/02/2016 16:56

He does not take your feelings on this seriously. That's because how you feel is not important to him. It's a game. He keeps you sweet enough to keep the status quo, which is how he likes it. You either put up with it or you have done.

Annarose2014 · 09/02/2016 16:56

"How are you beautiful? "

"Over it. Bye"

He'll follow this, in alarm, with some old shite about how much he cares for you.

Your response: "blah blah blah. Like I said - over it. Bye"

Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 17:27

Anna Thankyou that's an excellent reply!!! X

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 17:31

I feel so hurt tho he's fed me all this shite for years and given me this expectation that he's never followed thru with. I love him AND hate him.

OP posts:
SuperKingDuvet · 09/02/2016 17:47

Good grief woman, he's playing you like a fish.
Come on! You're not some naïve teenager, deep down you know what he's doing - where's your self esteem?

Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 17:52

I think the events of the last 10 years have eaten away at my self esteem. I'm a single mum I struggle financially have not family support. It's really hard. Please don't think I'm a foolish person I'm really not I just want to feel loved which I think is a basic hunan need? This man has fed me all this , what I am finally believing to be bullshit, and when you're low you take any confidence boosters you can. As I say I feel positive I've deleted his number but I know he will text again which is why I ask for advice on where to go next? Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 17:56

But I can't just switch off my feeling a Sad

OP posts:
Jan45 · 09/02/2016 17:59

God woman, you are infuriating - you don't have to switch them off but for goodness sake stop chasing the man, he's clearly not interested in anything other than a flirt and an ego boost, that's it!

So what if you are a single parent, so was I and was inundated with male attention, get out there and meet someone who is actually willing to spend time with you.

Unfortunately I see this carrying on, you're not believing the replies are you, we've given you good advice, take it!

Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 18:05

Jan I'm NOT inundated with male attention lucky you that you were! Get out there and meet people? It's really not all that easy when I've no money and nobody to help with childcare. At the minute I barely make ends meet I can't afford a night out. Snd I'm hoping I'm not chasing him anymore which is the entire reason I deleted his number and the entire reason I'm asking for advice on here........... If I wanted to carry on chasing him I would do as I've always done! But I WANT to make myself see things differently! In the way you would ask your mum or sister which I don't have!!!!

OP posts:
LarkDescending · 09/02/2016 18:28

when you're low you take any confidence boosters you can

Men like this do not boost your confidence; they sap it, little by little, until your self-esteem is rock bottom and you believe (wrongly) there is nothing better out there for you, that you don't deserve any more than to be the scraps under their table.

Nothing will improve your confidence as much as getting rid of this timewaster, for good, and spending time on yourself to rediscover who you are and what your goals are for the next phase of your life.

Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 19:13

Right guys as thought he's just texted me asking if I've had a relaxing day? I'm wanting to know wether I should reply or ignore???

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 19:20

By reply I mean something beneficial to ME!! Not reply as I want to start it all up again........

OP posts:
Kleptronic · 09/02/2016 19:21

We can't tell you what to do. I know what I'd do and I said. This is up to you though. It's up to you to decide where you want to go with this. More of the same, or drawing a line. What do you want to do?

Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 19:35

I'm gonna ignore. Was hoping he'd ask, as suggested ' how are you ' had my final line of 'over it ' ready lol xx

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyconfuseddotcom01 · 09/02/2016 19:36

In real life you have someone to ask but I don't have any support my best friend is going thru her own personal turmoil I won't burden her . So I know you can't tell me what to do I just want suggestions? X

OP posts:
DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 09/02/2016 19:40

Stop feeding into the drama, it's a non-relationship, an ego stroke for him and a bit of excitement for you,

Block his number then have a look into getting some counselling to work out why you've put up with this shit for 10 years. It's glaringly obvious you've been the OW for most of it and probably still are.