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Original poster

Is this all right with male attached friend?

45 replies

heavysabre · 08/02/2016 20:22

I have a male friend. A year ago he really had a big crush on me for about a year. He was very into me and told me he thought I was "the one", but I didn't feel the same and we stayed friends. Nothing every happenned between us except a peck on the cheek. Really nice guy. I was not, and still am not even 1% attracted to him in a sexual way but we get on very well.

Six months ago he started seeing someone else. I have never met her but they seem very loved up, very cute and he has told me he thinks she is "the one" and he seems to genuinely be madly in love with her. He talks about her a lot and it all seems to be going well.

So he asked me to come and stay with me for the weekend, and he wants to cook dinner, listen to music and have a laugh. He says there's nothing sexual in the offer and it's just to hang out as we get on so well and we are mates. I would be absolutely fine with that if he didn't have a girlfriend, but it feels weird.

I asked him if she would mind, and I think the avoidant response is that he isn't planning to actually tell her.

On the one hand, I love his company, there is nowt sexual between us and will never, ever, ever be and I do think men and women can and should be friends and I know for sure he would never try it on with me and he is in love with his new gf.

On the other hand, friends have said to me that he pays me too much attention and that if they were his gf they would hate me and I feel like it might be a bit weird.

What do you think?

I'd never, ever do anything with him but if I was his gf I would be horrified by this so I feel a bit strange.

OP posts:
Czerny88 · 08/02/2016 20:28

How far apart do you live? Is there any reason he has to stay? I think that's the bit his girlfriend is likely to be uncomfortable with (that and not telling her...).

Gabilan · 08/02/2016 20:32

If he hasn't told his girlfriend then no, it's not all right. Would he be staying at yours? What are the sleeping arrangements? In your head, not his.

timelytess · 08/02/2016 20:34

If you aren't comfortable with it, its the wrong thing to do.

Horsemad · 08/02/2016 20:44

You'd be enabling him to lie by omission to his GF.
Don't collude with him.

Original poster
heavysabre · 08/02/2016 20:45

He'd be staying at mine yes, in the spare room, and we do live 2 hours apart so probably quite hard to go home if we're drinking.

I do feel like I would prefer he told his gf but not sure if it's just none of my business. I don't want to get caught in the middle

OP posts:
Gabilan · 08/02/2016 20:49

Staying in the spare room is ok but not telling his girlfriend is way off. IMO men and women can be just friends, but it requires honesty.

gamerchick · 08/02/2016 20:51

Does she actually exist?

summerainbow · 08/02/2016 20:51

Invite his girlfriend to come too.?

Openmindedmonkey · 08/02/2016 20:55

Just what I was thinking, gamerchick!
Or - is she describing his warped version of his relationship with OP?
(Or have I been watching too much TV?)

BertPuttocks · 08/02/2016 20:57

"he has told me he thinks she is "the one" and he seems to genuinely be madly in love with her. He talks about her a lot and it all seems to be going well."

If this is true then the best thing you can do is to tell him that he risks losing all of this if he starts lying to her like this. Tell him that as his friend you want no part in this.

lighteningirl · 08/02/2016 20:57

Are you sure she's rea?l
Sorry but you're probably not friends: if he thought you were the one not long along you're probably his friend he's hoping you will see the light
If she is real then I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who felt the need to lie to their partner about me.

Aussiebean · 08/02/2016 20:59

Would you be happy if your bf dos this?

I doubt there are many posters here who would say 'sure, I wouldn't mind if the love of my life went and stayed with someone, that they used to be desperately in love with, on a drunken weekend and didn't tell me.'

Original poster
heavysabre · 08/02/2016 21:01

Yes she exists, have seen them all over facebook.

No, I'd be furious if my boyfriend did it.

I did tell him to tell her, he said he felt it would cause her to feel worried over nothing.

I did invite her, he sort of ignored me.

Is it reasonable for me to tell him I'd love to spend time together but insist I am not happy if it's a secret?

OP posts:
Original poster
heavysabre · 08/02/2016 21:03

I think he was just infatuated with me, whereas he is deepy in love with her so the two things are incomparable.

I just wasn't sure if it was none of my business what went on between him and his GF providing I was not flirting with him or doing anything with him

OP posts:
bjrce · 08/02/2016 21:04

The very fact that he stated " there's nothing sexual in it" screams to me that's exactly what he's thinking.
Why wouldn't he be with his new gf at the weekend? Or if she is as great as he says why isn't he bringing her along?
In short, he's up to no good.
Don't get involved.
There's no way I would let him stay.

Original poster
heavysabre · 08/02/2016 21:08

I definitely, definitely don't think he would ever try anything - he'd not a cheating type so that's not a worry remotely in my mind. If I am honest though, yes, I know he fancies me. I don't think he would ever do anything about it though.

She can't come that weekend anyway because she alternates with her ex husband with childcare so that weekend she is with them. I have asked to meet her.

I just feel that he should tell her the truth and if she's not happy with him seeing me, he shouldn't see me?

OP posts:
zoobaby · 08/02/2016 21:09

Do you expect to continue this friendship should their relationship become very serious? Think carefully here about how this could reflect on you in her eyes. I have a purely platonic male friend whom I've known since school. We had plans to celebrate a birthday in a foreign city, booked it all etc. In the meantime he started a new relationship and she kind of assumed she'd be invited along. But she wasn't (not my doing, entirely his decision because he thought things were too new at the time). As a result, I was and still am persona non grata to her and it truly has affected my friendship with the guy in question.

Dammyjoder · 08/02/2016 21:11

I wouldnt let him stay, your friendship and his relationship would be majorly at risk, if or when the girlfriend finds out shes either gonna dump him stop him talking and seeing you.

Meet halfway and go out for the day but insist he brings the girlfriend.

PovertyPain · 08/02/2016 21:11

I'm sorry but no way in hell would I let him stay. I think he is going to try to make you jealous and will try it on with you in a last attempt to get you to reciprocate. The whole thing seems odd.

Original poster
heavysabre · 08/02/2016 21:11

I have some male friends where the friendship trailed off after they became attached.

I have some I am still close to.

I don't feel it's that normal for someone attached to stay with their female friend but he says I am being silly and we are just mates and sensible people not animals

Their relationship is already very serious, I think he might propose soon. I just want him them to be happy and if I don't see him on my own any more that's no problem from my end.

OP posts:
Teaandcakeat8 · 08/02/2016 21:13

I don't think he is as madly in love with her as you think. If he was, don't you think he'd want to show her off to you? Bring her to meet you? Wouldn't he just rearrange for another weekend when she's free?

Sorry I know you're trying to do the right thing here but I don't think his intentions are innocent.

Can't you go to see him and meet her first? Or just tell him you're no longer available that weekend?

Original poster
heavysabre · 08/02/2016 21:13

Poverty, I honestly believe he is genuinely in love with her and not interested in me romantically anymore. I think he just values our bond / friendship and he feels in his head there is nothing wrong with it. Ah, but why not tell her then I hear you cry. Which is my thoughts exactly.

the more I type I have answered the question...I am going to tell him he has to tell her. I don't want her to be hurt, even if nothing is going on I can see it looks very dodgy.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 08/02/2016 21:16

It seems a bit weird that he said there's nothing sexual in the offer. If you are genuinely just friends, that wouldn't even be mentioned. I don't know what he's up to, he could genuinely just want to spend some time with you as old friends but it does seem a bit off with the secrecy aspect of it.

There are lots of alternatives. You could push him on the invitation to her as well, meet him for a day out or dinner somewhere where you can both get a train to so no issues with drinking and driving (I often meet old friends who are now scattered about the country in London as there's lots to do plus we can all get there by train easily).

It is perfectly reasonable for you to do what you suggest which is to insist on it not being secret but how would you ever know whether he does tell her or not?

Original poster
heavysabre · 08/02/2016 21:19

Well, it's the first time of us seeing each other since he started seeing her, so maybe that's why he is saying "nothing sexual".

He wants to come for the weekend as I have had a hard time of it lately - broke up with someone and have a badly broken heart and I think he just wants to be there for me.

That's true, I'd not know if he'd told her or not but he's not a liar as far as I know.

I agree we could just meet up for afternoon drinks and then go home, which would feel less strange and intimate

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 08/02/2016 21:22

Tell him to come another weekend when she is free and you can all spend time together.

If he says no, or tried to wiggle out of it, you can hope they don't get married be as he is not a very nice man to get involved with.