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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this all right with male attached friend?

45 replies

heavysabre · 08/02/2016 20:22

I have a male friend. A year ago he really had a big crush on me for about a year. He was very into me and told me he thought I was "the one", but I didn't feel the same and we stayed friends. Nothing every happenned between us except a peck on the cheek. Really nice guy. I was not, and still am not even 1% attracted to him in a sexual way but we get on very well.

Six months ago he started seeing someone else. I have never met her but they seem very loved up, very cute and he has told me he thinks she is "the one" and he seems to genuinely be madly in love with her. He talks about her a lot and it all seems to be going well.

So he asked me to come and stay with me for the weekend, and he wants to cook dinner, listen to music and have a laugh. He says there's nothing sexual in the offer and it's just to hang out as we get on so well and we are mates. I would be absolutely fine with that if he didn't have a girlfriend, but it feels weird.

I asked him if she would mind, and I think the avoidant response is that he isn't planning to actually tell her.

On the one hand, I love his company, there is nowt sexual between us and will never, ever, ever be and I do think men and women can and should be friends and I know for sure he would never try it on with me and he is in love with his new gf.

On the other hand, friends have said to me that he pays me too much attention and that if they were his gf they would hate me and I feel like it might be a bit weird.

What do you think?

I'd never, ever do anything with him but if I was his gf I would be horrified by this so I feel a bit strange.

OP posts:

ILikeUranus · 08/02/2016 21:23

Don't tell him he has to tell her - he won't, he'll just lie to you. Just tell him you don't feel comfortable with it and don't do it. It's not right and you know it. That 'I don't want to tell her because I don't want her to worry when we're just friends' is very similar to the sort of shit my H used to say to the woman he started shagging shortly after!

Gabilan · 08/02/2016 21:27

Oh so you've just broken up with someone and he wants to give you a shoulder to cry. Yes, that's completely innocent.

Original poster

heavysabre · 08/02/2016 21:28

Thanls you are all right, I know it didn't feel quite right!

OP posts:

cuntycowfacemonkey · 08/02/2016 21:30

Hmmm you have a broken heart and he wants to come and stay and be there for you but he doesn't want his gf to know. Cynical side of me thinks he's full of sh*t

Rainbowlou1 · 08/02/2016 21:30

If his girlfriend is the one he shouldn't feel the need to lie to her!
Trust your instinct, if it feels wrong it probably means there's more to it x

Original poster

heavysabre · 08/02/2016 21:39

I think the only reason it doesn't feel right is that I'd not want to do something to her that I would hate someone doing to me.

I know for a fact no funny business would happen but can't help feeling that's not the point.

OP posts:

Morifarty · 08/02/2016 21:42

He knows you have broken up with someone so somewhere inside he's thinking that it's his turn. Girlfriend or not.

I've been in this situation. It doesn't end well. Really.

CockwombleJeff · 08/02/2016 21:52

If his g/f would be hurt by this , then you are wrong to consider doing this.

Lovelydiscusfish · 08/02/2016 21:56

I'm not sure there's any reason for us all to leap to the conclusion that he has no feelings of friendship towards OP, but is, in fact, just waiting for an opportunity to seduce her.
It's entirely possible that, while he used to be in love with her, he now just esteem her as a friend. Relationships do shift.
Having said al this, I agree that it is deeply worrying that he intends to lie to his girlfriend.
If I were you, OP, I would happily see my friend, but only on condition that his girlfriend knew.

KatsutheClockworkOctopus · 08/02/2016 22:23

I would agree only if he rearranges to a time his girlfriend can come too.

I know that things are innocent on your part OP. However I have been the gf in a somewhat similar situation so my advice to her, should she find out he's visited without telling her, is to end it. He will have shown her very clearly where she lies in his priority list.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 08/02/2016 22:27

If you are his friend then why can't she come stay too and all three of you have a drink, eat and laugh? Surely he'd like to introduce his girlfriend to his friends, regardless of gender?

LaContessaDiPlump · 08/02/2016 22:30

It's a trap, op!

Don't go!!

FelicityFunknickle · 09/02/2016 10:56

If he wants to stay overnight at your home without his girlfriend's knowledge then he is the cheating type. Because that is what cheating is, not playing fair.
Sorry you have been heartbroken. It's just awful
But I don't trust him.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 09/02/2016 11:39

If there hadn't been the whole "big crush for a year" (which let's face it, is a long time) and thought you were "the one" business, I'd perhaps be a little more charitable. But add in you're recently single, planning to go drinking and staying at yours and keeping it quiet.... sorry, even I who am a man with a female best friend, I can absolutely see why alarm bells are ringing and I'd not be happy about it.

Having said that, just because someone is coupled up, doesn't mean they can ONLY socialise as a couple. Two friends of opposite sex should be allowed to socialise on their own sometimes, and not always bring along their other half or halves.

I've also been on the other end of this sort of scenario. I have always had a female best friend. There has never been anything else but friendship. We're only children and we're the siblings the other never had. But I had a partner who hated it and took against my friend just because she was female. Yes they met, yes we socialised altogether, but sometimes my friend and I wanted to do things together, things we had always been interested in and did that my partner had no interest at all in. She hated it and at one point I could see myself not telling my partner I was meeting my friend just to keep the peace. But then I realised that was shit, my partner was the one with the issue and she had no right to prescribe who I could and couldn't have as friends or who and when I saw them, just as I would have no right to control who she saw. So that partner was dumped.

CheersMedea · 09/02/2016 12:47

The problem here is that this:

there is nowt sexual between us and will never, ever, ever be and I do think men and women can and should be friends

is just your point of view. You may think there never, ever, ever will be anything sexual between you but I seriously doubt that.

I know for sure he would never try it on with me and he is in love with his new gf.

You can't know this for sure. You just can't. The only way you can ever know that is if you are HIM and inside his HEAD. You may strongly suspect that's the case (and to be honest, it's probably helped along by a chunky dose of wishful thinking because that is what it suits you to believe and what you want to believe).

A year ago he really had a big crush on me for about a year. He was very into me and told me he thought I was "the one"

This is your warning sign. That is a BIG statement to make to another person, especially a friend. It makes you vulnerable and you risk everything. People (men and women) only say that kind of thing when they are far gone in the "love/crush" stakes and figure they have nothing to lose. Honestly, being kind, I really think you are fooling yourself if you think that is all forgotten and he'd never try it on with you.

I know for a fact no funny business would happen but can't help feeling that's not the point

May not happen (from your point of view) but doesn't mean that (a) he's hoping alcohol and a relaxed atmosphere may help or (b) his wishing or (c) he may have a crack.

So having said all that, I wouldn't have him to stay in your house. I do think you are absolutely straining to convince yourself he's over it. I doubt it.

CheersMedea · 09/02/2016 12:48

but I seriously doubt that.

Sorry - this should say "I seriously doubt that is what he is thinking"

PippaHotamus · 09/02/2016 12:53

I don't think it's a good idea if it isn't above board.

Fwiw I had a very, very close male friend for about, well, 25 years on and off. He ended up being about the only friend I had. And for a while he was very into me, and I never took it seriously as he had loads of close girl friends, though no romantic relationship much of the time.

And then I started to fall for him, and then suddenly he met a girl 15 years younger than us, and went out with her, and at first he kept saying he loved me and dissing her behind her back, so I immediately told him to shut up and be on her side, as it wasn't right.

We still talked a lot on the phone. But he came to see me, as they lived a way away, and then he stuck a note through the door with some crappy excuse, which was bollocks, and the reason was she was extremely possessive and cried a lot about his female friends. (unsurprisingly)

So it ended up being that he wasn't 'allowed' to speak to me - and I haven't seen him since, because a) he would rather do what she says, however unreasonable it is, and b) I don't want to meet her because she obviously hates me.

I miss him but his behaviour was really crappy, frankly, and I feel sorry for his girlfriend.

This is a long winded way of saying, don't get involved - he's being a sneaky git and nothing good will come of it.

Jw35 · 09/02/2016 13:38

You've just broken up with someone. He wants to be your shoulder to cry on. He was very into you. He's only been with his gf 6 months. He definitely fancies you.

All the rest are your assumptions 'I think he's going to propose to her soon' I doubt it! It's you and always has been!

You can't ever just be friends with someone who's in love with you. It a no go. He's already telling his ''future wife'' lies..nice!

Yseulte · 09/02/2016 16:11

She will find out, he'll lose her trust and it make it very difficult to be friends thereafter.

What he thinks is saving hassle will just create extra hassle in the long run.

I'd say no if he won't tell his gf.

derxa · 09/02/2016 19:38

He's a bit of a shit and you're enjoying the drama.

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