Could I ask for some support please?

[harmonymelody]

Will try to keep this brief so I don't out myself.

I've gone NC with my parents. Father is three types of abusive, mother very enabling but also can be very unkind.
Am having counselling and while exploring various parts of my past, they brought up the idea that my father may have a specific mental health issue based on his behaviour, and that my mother's behaviour could be to try and cover it up/normalise things to make life easier for her.

I will say that as things stand there is currently (from my POV) no part of the relationship that is salvageable. And the counsellor has said that regardless of what may be the cause of my father's behaviour towards me, it doesn't excuse it.

I just feel like this adds a new depth to things and in a manner of speaking, opens up a new can of worms in my own head. I feel partly that it makes no difference and it doesn't heal the hurt I've suffered, but partly worried now that I may be abandoning my mother to someone with a lot more problems than I initially saw.

I don't feel like I'll ever be able to put this behind me, it's my childhood and early adult life that's full of pain, misery, hurt. And I can't ever change it, and it's so upsetting. Just asking for a hand hold really. I know I'm the only person who can help myself sort this out.

(Holds hand)

You will be able to put this behind you lovely. You can't change what's happened but you have taken a very big and brave step in counselling to help you process this.

Am not trained to give advice but couldn't read and not post. May be worth also posting this in Relationships as there is wonderful support there. x

Thank you for your kind message. How do I move the post please?

Hi there,
we can do that for you... in fact we are just about to. Good luck for the future.

I've asked HQ to move this for you. Hope you don't mind.

You can have a hand hold from me in the meantime, and I hope you manage to work through this. Btw, don't feel guilt about your mum. She is an adult who makes her own choices, and some of those have hurt you greatly.

Its a painful and its sad but there us a point where you have to decide how you want to live your life

You can't change your mother's choices and you can't take on the responsibility of your mother's happiness

It seems you father is the main issue for you. Can you have a relationship with your mother which doesn't include him?

I think it's part guilt and part moral obligation, that when they're old I'm the only person who would be able to care for them and I've left them.
My mother has herself shown some worrying signs of some kind of health problem/mental health problem but I don't want to go into further detail in case I out myself. It would make her vulnerable but she was very aware of signs but refused to acknowledge them, so I couldn't do any more. I also have strong suspicions she is having/has had an affair, and I feel that if she'd stuck up for me we could have "teamed up" and she could have left the marriage if she was unhappy.

pumpkinmoon this was a possibility that my counsellor also suggested, but I don't know if I want one to be honest. I feel so let down and she's made such a lot of work of dismissing my feelings etc. Essentially she has sided with my Father and made that obvious. Plus even if I wanted to I don't think it would work, she wouldn't agree to me not speaking to him.

Its perhaps not that she sided with him, she perhaps didn't want to face up to the pain you were being put through...minimizing it meant she didn't have to deal with her own shortcomings

Holding your hand.
I'm going to put it bluntly, it's not your responsibility to look after your parents, especially when they didn't appear to prioritise you when you were young and you needed it. Many abusers have mental health difficulties but most people with mental health problems DONT abuse - it's no excuse.
Do what you need to do to feel ok. It's you that matters most here

Agree with Blue. You totally needn´t feel obliged to give a flying fig about either of them now or when they´re oldies. I know this is easy for me to say, being as far removed from you all as it´s possible to be, with no emotional involvement.

But you need to understand that possible diagnoses aside, ( cos it´s irrelevant ) they hurt you and caused you pain so that you are now a damaged adult. They made the decision to abuse you and cause you distress. Nobody forced them to and they both always had a choice in the matter. They are your parents and they both failed you, spectacularly!

So be and stay NC. Work on yourself and do whatever it takes to heal and come out a stronger person. Also read the book Toxic Parents. You need to understand and make sense of some of their behaviours ( obv you will never understand fully why they are the way they are ) and help yourself by having a deeper understanding of FOG etc. I´ve never read the book btw, it´s just always recommended on here, and may be very beneficial alongside your counselling....

Your parents are toxic, dysfunctional shits that are clueless about what it takes to be a good parent, they have none of the qualities, it seems. Leave them alone to fester in their own poisonous juices. They deserve no compassion, sympathy or consideration. Focus on being a strong and healthy individual.....despite their shocking treatment of you. Be a survivor, not a victim.

OP I understand where you're coming from (to a point). My gm was a horrible woman, said vile things to everyone, hated my dm because she preferred my dads ex and have my dad an awful upbringing (think self harming then waking him up to show him / leaving at home alone for days on end with no heat, electric or food). I hated her and went pretty much NC when I was a teenager.
I found out later (as she was ill with cancer) that she had been bi polar for most of her adult life. She had tried various treatments, has spells in hospital and was seeing some sort of therapist for 40 years.
I felt bad that she maybe couldn't help how she was (mh treatment was appalling back then) BUT it doesn't change how much she made people suffer. She still made a choice to be horrible to my mum, to tell me a family secret when I was 8 that I wasn't old enough to cope with, to treat me and my sister completely differently to my cousins. And I still think I was right to go NC with her - because being around her made me miserable and it wouldn't have helped her at all.

Sometimes you need to put yourself first OP. It's great you're working this through in therapy but please don't feel bad.

Thank you everyone, your support has helped a lot and I feel a lot more positive now I've slept on it- I think it's been quite draining having the counselling and I almost needed to reset my thinking a bit.
I know that if contact ever did happen it would be a long time from now, when DC are at least teenagers, so I am trying to put it to the back of my mind now and concentrate on my life (parents won't accept NC are regularly try to contact us so I am just trying to get trough and wait for them to give up).
And Moomin I love your phrase about being a survivor not a victim. I am going to remember that when things are hard and use it to change my mindset on the whole situation. That's helped more than you know, so thank you

*and not are, sorry

Just stay strong and continue to ignore their attempts at contacting you. Is it via phonecalls or texts? Do you live far away frm them? They will pile on the guilt, lie and basically use any old bullshit to try and get you to engage.
But engage is what you must never do, no matter how tempting, as it will only further encourage them and they'll increase their efforts. It's all just tactics to try and reel you back in to their warped and twisted lives.
They don't like that you have shown strength and fortitude, thereby breaking free frm their control. As long as you are outside of their ability to manipulate you, they have zero influence and you are safe.
Phone numbers can be changed, if it all becomes too stressful, or their no.s can be blocked. Emails can be deleted unread and letters can be binned or returned unopened. Anything that makes it easier for you and sends a clear msg to them that this is permanent, you don't want them in your life and their attempts at engaging with you are futile.
They will poison your kids too if they're allowed access to your lives so protecting them and healing yourself should be your primary concerns. You're being a fantastic role model to your kids by the sounds of things!
Just keep on keeping on. Use those reserves of strength that we all tend to forget about until we're really up against it. Hopefully they will give up pestering you soon, once they realise they're gettin nothin bk for their efforts and the penny finally drops that ur deadly serious and it's not just that you're in a huff!
Do you have a partner to support you?

Yes, my partners fully supportive and the decision to go NC was fully joint. I've recently moved house and changed my number so they can't contact me however they are currently using another family member (I can't be more specific as I don't want to out) their address and phone number to make contact, so we are in the process of trying to encourage that person to block their numbers. Fortunately any post my parents send there is just automatically passed on to me and put in the bin. So they get no engagement from anyone! I suppose it's just a waiting game now, I dread that it will just continue as at the moment its regular contact which is making it hard to move on (feels like things die down and were happy and then something else pops up) but I don't get stressed or upset anymore it just goes over my head.