how do you cope with overpowering in laws

[littleraysofsunshine]

? And family. It's causing us to argue too now :(

It's been a healthy relationship until now. I just lately have felt on edge that each time my kids are with them, they will be turned against me. That's no way to feel

Or is it in my head?

Perhaps she thought you were rude to leave the birthday meal early? You said you "walked out" - that's quite a provocative thing to do.

You don't like her and she doesn't like you but quite a few families manage to operate with dynamics like that. Don't make your dh choose between you - just spend as little time with her as humanly possible.

I walked out as if just been embarrassed by shouted at from my SIL. For me saying I needed to go

OP

My MIL (actually PIL) is difficult. With people like this, no matter how many 'good deeds' are in the bank, it's never enough, you can't win.

DH and I are in the process of limiting contact (we're quite low contact anyway). MIL has realised: we've received four cards or letters in the past week. But we're not being treated appallingly again, nor are we exposing DS to the toxicity.

Sunshine You don't need to blank in laws. Be civil, send birthday cards and have a short conversation on phone etc but I wouldn't go to any family get togethers, days out or invite her to your home. Your husband needs to be onside with this but it needn't be a dealbreaker in your marriage, unless of course you want it to be or he makes it impossible for you.

I handle it by making myself busy if there is an in law get together. I will meet up with my sisters or friends and leave my partner to it. I will simply tell everyone I am busy and have made other arrangements.

I don't know if that's workable for you. Don't torture yourself thinking that in laws can turn your DCs against you. I'm sure you are their world.

You need to distance yourself from this for the sake of your own sanity and trust your own judgement.

I really hope things improve.

Ok so... Mil and SIL dropped DD off yesterday, past dinner time, and once again spoiled her with a new pair of shoes.

Now we've both already said not to do this as its not fair in our other DD as she notices more. But it's just never listened to.

Am I again thinking too much into it?

She did buy a top each for the other two but eldest DD got shoes too and little dds eyes lit up when she saw them.

Another argument caused. As I just think that's still going against what we've said.

So it's now a week and this house is somewhere I just feel on edge

It sounds like it's about power and her establishing herself as top dog. Everybody else in the family has accepted their place in the dynamics and they don't like you being awkward by not rolling over and giving in to her for an easy life.
I agree with the advice already given to limit contact for your own well being. It sounds horrendous.

I realise it´s easy for me to say, cos I´m not living it but I think you should go NC. There´s plenty of people on here and Stately Homes etc that have demonstrated it´s entirely doable, practical and necessary.

Your OH should be respecting your feelings and really listening to your concerns. He should be supporting you and most importantly, his loyalties should lie with you.

You´re about to have another baby for God´s sake! You´re extra vulnerable. Your health ( mental and physical ) should be of paramount importance to him and everyone else. No way should you be being undermined with your feelings not taken into account.

Their your kids FFS, and what you say goes. If they don´t respect you as the mother then fuck them! It´s apalling how they are treating you. I know sometimes it can be subtle things so you question yourself and literally can´t trust your own judgement so you think you´re going mad.

It´s your life and they´re your kids, draw a line, stop accepting piss poor behaviour and most importantly, stick up for yourself and stand your ground. Explain exactly, to their faces why you did/said what you did etc so everything´s out in the open, no misunderstandings and they can accept it, twist it whatever.....you are NOT being unreasonable to demand respect and to be listened to.

If you say to not do something re the kids and they do it, fucking well give it to them both barrels. Do not be a victim in all this. And if your OH sides with them than you´ve got some stern talking with him and consequences have to be applied. If he loved you he would empathise and support you. By disregarding your feelings and concerns he´s basically saying he doesn´t care or give a toss about you and your standing within the family.

You married him not his family. If they can´t accept and respect you then Fuck Them! You´ve given them ample opportunity up until now. Make your feelings 100% known to them, if they fail to respect your wishes as the mother of the kids, and also as an individual then tell them you´ll have nowt more to do with them.

You cannot allow them to get away with them continually undermining you and get away with it. It´s insulting and your OH should recognise that instead of being a Jackass. Be 100% honest with your feelings to everyone, they can like it or lump it bt at least your conscience will be clear. You tried, they´re still wankers, wash your hands of them.

You have a husband problem - he's not supporting you or the children - did he not see DD face when she didn't get shoes? I think they know the boundaries and choose to ignore them -

Stop making this about MIL - be nice or say nothing about her - make this a DH issue -

I'm not happy YOU didn't ask them to return DD by X o'clock so we could do Y - you need to get DD back please ring and arrange -

I'm not happy YOU didn't stand up for me - because X y z happened

Make it about his lack of support and understanding

Thanks.

The thing I find with that solution is then there will always be an issue with our kids seeing them. If I'm not there I'll probably be talked about if I view my concerns. If I don't then I will still look an idiot.

Then I'll be gossiped about that I am hormonal and being irrational, and in fair for not letting the kids there with him.

He doesn't see it from my point of view. His loyalties aren't with me I don't think, he just sees it that I have it in for them and that its in my head. That they're only trying to be nice and involved.

Fair point.

He'll then say that I'm that I'm calling him a fuck up. That he can do no right etc. And just takes offence to anything I say.

Well he is a fuck up .... And ??

I've only read the first few posts but I think its rude to walk out of a meal and in the house it sounds like MIL is just being helpful.
Believe me my MIL used to be a nightmare until my own mum had a word. Your ILs sound okay.

Loopsy.

The meal was finished, and I had already said I needed to go. I walked out as my SIL was very rude with her tone and referencing me to others in an abrupt way.

There's helpful and there's trying to tell me how to do something/ change the way I do something.

Taking over the house when comes round, rearranging things, cleaning and trying to tell me how to do washing

This would annoy me too - it's rude!!

Friends wouldn't do this!! Why should family?

Your H's priority has always been not upsetting the family dynamic (which is MIL being top dog and everyone maintaining that position). As his wife your expected to fall into line and accept the families dysfunctional dynamic. 'I'm a fuck up' is being employed to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him and the only way you can make him feel better, is to STFU and fall into line.

They were like this long before you came on the scene and you can not change him or them, so don't waste your time trying. Your energies are better focussed on working on your boundaries, no one has the right to make you feel like crap, unless you give them permission.

They will gossip about you unfortunately whatever you do. Stop worrying about what they think. Trying to please them won't stop this. (I wish I'd known this 18 years ago and I would have followed my own advice with regard to my in laws and my own family!)

I think you seem to have a valid point about the situtation with your DH's family.

But, regarding the catalyst of the birthday meal - why did you have to go? Surely if you're having a celebration for someone's birthday, you don't make other arrangements which mean you might have to leave earlier than everyone else? Especially the birthday person. It does seem to have upset him.

It sounds really mundane but we already both said we wanted to get home as we needed to catch up on all the school stuff which we left late that weekend. And for me, it's paramount that it's done before Monday morning especially as I'm the one rushing like crazy with four of us to get ready as it is.

OP im exactly the same as you. I have a very dominant MIL. It's taken me years to build up strong boundaries.

Most of the time DH is on board with me. However it got to a point where her behavior made me ill and I said "enough". DH and DC's can see her but I personally keep her at arms length. I didn't reach adulthood to be bossed around and bullied by someone else's mother. Fuck that.

It does sound like your DH's family undermine you and that's not on. As previous posters have commented, you have a DH issue!

FYI my PIL have some unhealthy/toxic issues going on. FIL was never around/wanted to be involved in parenting and left MIL to do it all. FIL is emotionally and financially abusive. MIL is also emotionally abusive. MIL continued to do it all until DH and BIL were in their 30's. They never set or wanted to set their own boundaries. The line "that's who they are and they will never change" usually gets trotted out. Sound familiar? Ugh.

I used to feel like I was going crazy until SIL said she got the same treatment! I could give you a list of the crap I've tolerated but we'd be here all day. Just wanted you to know you're not alone. Its a shite situation to be in. xx (on phone, hope that made sense!)

So after a couple of days trying to get back to normal.

I've felt poorly with anaemia, back ache and just faint. Dp rang to just say we're now looking after BIL baby for dinner time.

Now this wouldn't usually be a problem.

But I stated earlier I didn't feel well.

We have two very tired kids to see to who take ages to go to bed at the minute.

A toddler who hasn't slept all day.

5yo home work to do.

Packed lunches to do.

Actually try and cook dinner for us too.

Dinner now won't go between all kids.

And I'm supposed to be okay?

When are my feelings ever going to be taken into consideration.

And when I asked him, he says whatever. And he doesn't see the problem.

He rang? What time will he be home to do some work? I suggest your job is 'put children to bed then have nap yourself' . The rest is his.

he does not have the right to accept more work for you and does not even ask first and ignores the fact that you had prev said you are not feeling well. Can you get you and your own kids to bed early and leave him to look after the child he said yes to? This all feels like bullying. Sil shouts at you and slams your car door in you and your dcc s faces and dh sides with her, pils ignore what you say and undermine you with dd ,dh gives you more work and ignores you are not well. Who is on your side op? Can you get him to counselling so you have a chance of being heard?

One way out is just to get very busy with your own family things, if you can possibly manage it.

So you are all out. All of you. Pick things you know your DH will love so he is onside. Don't include the in laws. Make life very full so they are just forgotten about.

Another thing you can do is invite lots of your friends/family round so they are outnumbered. Fill your lives with lots of things that are nothing to do with them. Eg sign both of you up to help out in school events, have days at friends / other family, day trips, children's clubs.

Don't answer phone calls and texts, just be 'busy'. After a while the relationship between your nuclear family and them will just drift.

And don't talk about them. Don't even include them in conversation. Change the subject and talk about something to do with your nuclear family, plans etc.