Mumsnet Jury needed again - another "unreasonable" question

[TheHockeyandtheIvy]

I've been ill for nearly 2 weeks now and on antibiotics and steroids for a chest infection for 1 week. I've not been able to do much, but obviously I've still had both children (ages 4 and 8 months) to look after, christmas dinner to cook etc etc.

We were meant to be visiting family over christmas, I said I didn't feel well enough but Dh said it wasn't fair on dd (4) not to so I went along. I haven't been sleeping at all well for the couple of weeks and I had a terrible sleep christmas night at the in-laws, sharing a room with ds (8 months) so up a couple of times with him too. On Boxing Day we went to see my family and I felt so ill I was in tears, I asked DH if we could just go home then rather than go back to his parents for another night. He said "no way, it's not fair on the children, or in me to ruin everything just by going home". My mum realised I felt so ill so offered to drive me home (250 mile round trip in the dark - oh and she's in her 70s too) so I could be in my own home resting while I'm ill.

I am so happy to be home, particularly happy not to be around DH, but am really cross with him that he wouldn't look after me by taking me home. I told him I feel that I always come last in our family, kids and him first then me and he thinks I'm over-reacting. Should I have expected him to show any consideration for his wife or am I over-reacting?

FWIW, there is a history of this in that whenever I'm ill, or for example when I got hit by a car on my birthday, he totally backs off me, he deals with the kids but will do anything to avoid paying any attention to me or being my friend. Right now I hate him.

No, you're not being unreasonable, he is. But why is it up to him? It seems to me that yuo had no say in the matter, why not?

Did your DH have anybody (important) in his life who was ever unreliable, using the excuse they were ill/too tired/hung over? Or maybe that's the way he was treated in his household if he was ever ill? I wonder if he's dragging some baggage into his reaction with you that comes from something in his past?

not unreasonable..but could say different for your dh..you should have been resting, fwiw, i know where you are coming from, this time last year i was ill with pnuemonia but my dh went to work and left me looking after 4 kids..i ended up in hospital.
you need to sit down and talk about this..your dh basically used emotional blackmail to get you to go visiting.

I think you're reasonable to be angry. If you recover more quickly through resting than being out & about then surely it's worth postponing celebrations. Your children at 4 & 8 months aren't likely to miss out - it's not as if u proposed to cancel xmas totally.

Also if you're ill it's not fair on you to be dragged around the country & also not fair on the people you're visiting if it's something they could pick up too (not telling you off, just backing up your point of wanting to go home).

Hope you feel better soon. x

thanks for the quick responses.

My mum was talking to me about it last night. she reckons DH is just a real "practicalist" he thinks "right what's best for everyone". So he looks at himself (wanting to see his family at christmas); dd (wanting to open presents) and thinks "right lets just carry on and let the wife deal with getting better by herself".

I hate this, I hate that after 14 years together he doesnt seem to care about me at all. I hate the fact that he's not sad that I spent a lot of the holidays alone at home on my own. He's oblivious and thinks he's helping by keeping the kids happy at his mums (where he is rested on hand and foot by the way).

My gay friend came over straight away last night when he found out I was home alone, he offered to sleep on the sofa and make me food and said how sad he was that he seemed more concerned about me than my dh.

Why doesn't he give a shit about me anymore?

Think you need to ask him that, HollyIvy.

oops -- hockeyivy!!

Have you read the men are from mars, women are from venus book? At the beginning it says how they ended up having to sort out their relationship - she was ill (I think!) and he wouldn't help (sorry John Gray if I've got that wrong-ish!) and she said to him 'You're such a fairweather friend'. Your dh reminded me of that phrase - perhaps he might learn a bit about compassion by reading the book!
I really hope you feel better soon, and have the energy/guts not to let this unreasonable behaviour carry on.

i dont think men in general believe that women can genuinely get ill.it probably stems from childhood and their mothers running around after them no matter what,while their fathers were dying of the flu if they had a slight cold.
is there a chance he could have thought you were trying to get out of going to his mums for some reason?

i dont think you sound unreasonable at all, it's the other way round

my exh used to disappear every single time i was sick

He's lucky to have you at all.

B/c he'd have gone alone to stay w/the kids at his mother's whilst I recovered.

And I'm being dead serious.

Sorry, but I take 'in sickness and in health' seriously.

In fact, it's one of the BIG reasons I married DH. B/c I knew he'd stick w/me through both of these, as I would for him.

I'm not a big softie, and I don't cry much. But I remember seeing a documentary on people w/Alzheimer's. One of the patients was being cared for by his wife until he became to ill for her to do it.

She went through her routine for the cameras, including standing her husband up and walking him round several times a day, otherwise he'd forget.

Then she talked about what he used to be like, before he got ill. How he'd been an Air Force and then later, a commercial pilot, and fallen ill just months after his retirement.

The presenter asked how she coped.

And I will NEVER forget her answer. She said, 'Because when I promised 'in sickness and in health', I really meant it.'

sounds as though DH has difficulty in dealing with your emotional needs. I have one like that. Does your DH expect you to help him through every crisis-to be strong and in control of the family? and so cannot deal with it when the boots on the other foot-because he has to give some emotional support to you?
yours is a totally natural reaction to his selfishness.
I hope you get some rest x

Let's face it: most men are weak.

I blame their mothers

My ex was useless when I needed something too. I do think it comes from them seeing you as mummy, and mummy is never sick.... Not sure what you can do about it other than explaining how you felt, but I think it's quite common. Hope you get better soon.

It depends how he expects to be treated when he's ill. If the whole world has to grind to a halt so he can be brought chicken soup and have his pillows fluffed every time he gets so much as a sniffle, then he's being thoroughly unreasonable: if he was brought up to push on through everything short of head amputation and "not make a fuss" then he's still not being entirely reasonable but his attitude is a bit more understandable. Or if he's one of these tiresome people who just don't get ill, ever, then he might be generally lacking in sympathy with anyone else who is suffering.

I don't get cut much slack when I'm ill, like most women I suspect, I just soldier on. However, you are clearly more than a little but under the weather and I think your dh has behaved with incredible selfishness.
He seems to have a problem with you being ill and this needs to be talked about or this whole senerio will keep on being played out and you will get more and more restentful.
I would advise 2 things, firstly, if you feel too ill then put your foot down and say 'no' .Secondly , when you are well again you need to have a calm and honest talk about what is going on. Good luck.

Thanks for the advice. Yes, I do blame his mother for a lot. She raised her children, catering for every single whim they had doing everything for them. She had no life, no social life (which obv made them not very sociable); no friends etc, she was totally lost when they all left home. I think he wants me to be a bit more like her and I'm completely the opposite.

I phoned him at her house this morning to find out what time they were coming home, she said "oh he's leaving this morning so I expect he'll be home at lunhctime - what are you going to make for him? The poor boy will be so hungry and tired having looked after the children on his own for 2 days you must make sure you make him a nice lunch"

I am bl@@dy livid! Silly b!tch! I told DH if he expected to have anything for lunch he could bring it back himself and get me some while he's at it.

Apparently both kids, particularly the baby were sobbing yesterday cos they missed me (even though he's doing everything for them they still want me) so that cheered me up no end, can't wait to give them big cuddles but want to ignore his presence for a while till I know how to deal with him

Sounds awful. Did you tell her that you weren't going to get him anything? Sounds like things need to start changing in your household

have to sympathise with you both as my dh went home rather than face Christmas with my family. He did that with my agreement but I found it very hard to deal with nonetheless. Having said that, obviously if he needed space and time, what kind of wife would I be not giving it? Likewise, it must feel like he is an authority figure who can give you permission to do things, or not.

TBH I don't think you can legitimately resent him both for not 'allowing' you to go home and for you being alone at the holidays. (I'm champion at resentment by the way so I frequently do resent both ends of the same question).

If you, as an adult, decide that you are too ill to do something and know what the remedy is, then there are only two issues to sort out - is your partner able and willing to care for the children while you are ill, either themselves or with help, and if it's a social arrangement you're missing, you need to ensure that the hostess or host knows what's going on and is happy. It's not a question of whether he loves you enough to - do what? What would have made you happier?

Sorry if this sounds pretty chippy, as I do sympathise, but I'm afraid I do see it a bit from your dh's pov as well.

OK. Please don't get upset with me but I have a horrible feeling that I might have been a bit like your DH. I get very little sympathy when I'm ill... but it suits me as I'm definitely the kind of patient that likes to be left alone to get on with it. All I need is peace and quiet and solitude for a while. So I tend to treat DH the same - I don't have that much sympathy with him when he's sick although I used to before we had kids - I just refuse to mother an adult when I have 3 kids who really need it. I don't do the Florence Nightingale thing I'm afraid. And maybe I'm a practicalist too...... there are 5 people in my family and it's hard to please everyone. I put myself and DH last in importance so I sort of understand where your DH was coming from ( he was also I imagine considering his parents feelings too?) - however I would have taken you home first. And I hope I'd have been a little more loving with it .

I don't think you should look at it as being that he doesn't care about you anymore - he does but differently and no longer exclusively since you have a child. My DH cut the top of his fingers off a few years ago, it was really awful - I ferried him around to loads of appointments, I changed his dressings, I made sure he's had his antibiotics and painkillers, I did things for him that he couldn't do. But I didn't hang around making sympathetic noises and buying little gifts and making a huge fuss as I once would have done. And if I'm honest there was a little resentment that everything was being put on my shoulders even more than usual - childcare, housework, work etc for a significant period of time. I love him and care for him as much as I ever did - more probably - but our relationship is very different since we had the children.

Sorry this is so long but I wanted to say that perhaps there is another way of looking at things - you need to tell him how he made you feel and see what he says.

Poor you. It sounds grim. Hope you feel better soon and enjoy the reunion with the kids tonight. Hopefully you'll eventually make up with your bloke too. Juggling family at Xmas v hard and it may be that no one's really right or wrong here apart from the situation itself. IMO, family obligations + illness = people pulled in all directions = crossness & sadness

yes, I do get where these last 3 posters are coming from - I understand that it is a difficult situation when things are at breaking point anyway with small children occupying so much time and they do need to be put first.

I'm just so sad that dh doesn't seem to care for me any more though. Things really changed when the children were born and I did expect that. I have done all I can to bring them up and also to keep myself interested in things, keep friendships going etc.

He's back now and it's lovely to see the children but I don't want to be near him. Our marriage feels like a marriage of convenience at the moment and at 32 I don't want to accept that for the rest of my life.