Mumsnet Jury needed again - another "unreasonable" question

[TheHockeyandtheIvy]

I've been ill for nearly 2 weeks now and on antibiotics and steroids for a chest infection for 1 week. I've not been able to do much, but obviously I've still had both children (ages 4 and 8 months) to look after, christmas dinner to cook etc etc.

We were meant to be visiting family over christmas, I said I didn't feel well enough but Dh said it wasn't fair on dd (4) not to so I went along. I haven't been sleeping at all well for the couple of weeks and I had a terrible sleep christmas night at the in-laws, sharing a room with ds (8 months) so up a couple of times with him too. On Boxing Day we went to see my family and I felt so ill I was in tears, I asked DH if we could just go home then rather than go back to his parents for another night. He said "no way, it's not fair on the children, or in me to ruin everything just by going home". My mum realised I felt so ill so offered to drive me home (250 mile round trip in the dark - oh and she's in her 70s too) so I could be in my own home resting while I'm ill.

I am so happy to be home, particularly happy not to be around DH, but am really cross with him that he wouldn't look after me by taking me home. I told him I feel that I always come last in our family, kids and him first then me and he thinks I'm over-reacting. Should I have expected him to show any consideration for his wife or am I over-reacting?

FWIW, there is a history of this in that whenever I'm ill, or for example when I got hit by a car on my birthday, he totally backs off me, he deals with the kids but will do anything to avoid paying any attention to me or being my friend. Right now I hate him.

hockey - it won't be like that forever. At the moment 'a marriage of convenience' is probably a good way to describe it. - ours feels like an economic and social partnership than anything else - but we weren't always like that and we won't be again. Just now you need each other for practical purposes rather than anything else. Kids wear you out. But it won't always be like that if you work at it - btw when I say 'you' I mean both of you. That's why it's important that you talk to him about all this. He needs to see that you are upset and why - and you need to know why he acted the way he did.

Hockey, poor you, I know how you feel. Sometimes it really can feel like that when you have children, you are both tired and have already spent all your energy and time on the children. Having kids is bloody hard work. I'm sure your dh does care for you, but he is probably tired too.
Having young kids isn't really a very romantic thing and it can seem like all the fun things have been taken out of life.

You need to find a time to talk to him about how you are feeling. Try and make it a talk that is not emotional and not accusing if possible, ask him how he feels and what he wants and talk about your wants and needs too. See if you can find a way to address some of these for both of you.

I have been with my dp for many moons, at least 10 years I reckon. We have nearly 6 kids and have been through some very, very hard, difficult and downright nasty times. We are no way out of the woods, but we have reached more of a mutual respect and despite the bloody hard graft are at least now working together. But is has been hard work getting to this place and there have been many. many times when we nearly didn't make it. We have no romance at the mo, but are in a better place than we were. Hope you manage to find some solutions.