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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner lied for two years

31 replies

Lolipoplady · 07/02/2016 20:42

I apologise, I know this subject has been rehashed so many times, but I feel so sad about this and embarrassed to talk to anyone I know in RL

So basically: DP lied for two years about his porn use. Our relationship started off long distance, About 10 months in we had the 'porn' discussion, he told me he used it frequently, and I told him that due to past experiences (xh using porn rather than having sex with me) and moral objections, I preferred not to be in a relationship with someone who looked at porn. HE straight away said that he would stop as our relationship was more important to him than porn etc. etc.

You can probably guess the rest of the story... we moved in together 8 months ago and first thing DP does when he gets a day alone is look at porn. I know this because I found his tablet and dirty tissues on the bed when I got home from work, and he confessed (although minimised initially).

He still insisted then that it was a one off, he'd not been using while we were apart... I wanted to believe him but deep down knew it was a lie. He finally admitted as much about a month ago.

I just feel so sad, and angry, about this. When we had the initial discussion he could have said that porn was important to him and he didn't want to stop. We were only 10 months in, long distance, we could have gone our separate ways (or maybe found some other way, together, I don't know), and it would have been hard but wouldn't have been the end of the world. Now our lives are intertwined, I have grown to love him deeply, and I find he has been lying to me all this time. I feel I can't trust anything he says as he will just tell me what I want to hear in order to keep me happy. What else could he be lying about?

I'm sorry for such a long post, I just needed to tell someone. I have tried to talk to DP, and while he listened for a while he eventually stormed off saying "what will talking do? I can't change the past".

OP posts:
RiceCrispieTreats · 07/02/2016 20:48

10 months in you stated your red lines, which it is your right to set wherever you want them.

Now, have those red lines shifted? Or are they still the same?

If they are still the same, then this man is not a suitable partner for you, hard as that may be to deal with.

FWIW, it is never a good idea to compromise one's own morals, for whatever reason. You will only fend up disliking yourself.

Quoteunquote · 07/02/2016 20:50

How very horrible,

You must feel very let down , all I can say is this particular addiction seems to becoming more and more common.

I have seen several relationships of friends distorted by this and the other where they virtual sex(apparently in some minds it's not cheating)

It's a shame brain bleach doesn't exist,

It's a very hard thing to live with someone else addiction.

Hissy · 07/02/2016 20:51

He left his dirty tissues on your bed for you to clear up?

Why on earth did you not end it there and then? Good god that is so grim!

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 07/02/2016 20:54

You can't change your past op but you can change your future. He crossed the line and you know how it will end

Original poster
Lolipoplady · 07/02/2016 20:57

I don't think he left them for me to clean up Hissy, more that he forgot about them and then I saw them when I went upstairs to get changed.

My lines haven't shifted, I still don't want to be with someone who looks at porn. I went ballistic when I discovered the tissues etc. after we'd just moved in together, and DP has said he's not looked at porn since. There is now a block on home internet and his phone has always had a block. However, I don't know whether I believe him. I now know that he will happily lie to me to 'keep the peace'.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 07/02/2016 21:22

Has your sex life been affected as a result of his porn use? If not, is it possible to discuss it and come to some kind of agreement? You say in your previous relationship, your ex used it instead of sex. But if that isn't the case for your DP, could it work?

FWIW, porn for me is just a means to an end. I find it very difficult to orgasm alone without it. I use it but it has never compromised sex in a relationship and just helps with that release. I don't compare the men to my partners or imagine myself with them. It's solely just a stimulus.

The lying is a huge issue though. Two years of lies isn't quite so easy to discuss and forgive.

Hissy · 07/02/2016 21:28

How can anyone ejaculate into a tissue and forget them?

Ok. So my son forgets to flush, wees on the seat, drives me bonkers. He's 10. I have to live with him.. Grin

Love, you're worth more than this!

AlwaysHopeful1 · 07/02/2016 21:51

You've had one bad experience with your ex, so why accept this again in your life? If he wants to use it then that's fine but he should have been honest to you about that.

pocketsaviour · 07/02/2016 22:00

I'm pretty much with Ginger.

What's the common saying? Men pretend not to watch porn; women pretend to believe them?

Is he giving you less sex, or sex of lesser quality, than you'd expect? Is his porn use actually affecting your relationship? If not, is it time to rethink your stance on this, considering you're going to have to look for a really really long time to find a man who doesn't watch porn?

Noneedforasitter · 07/02/2016 22:15

You really need to re-evaluate your position. If you have a good relationship, you love each other and your sex life is good then you would be mad to leave him. Read the many posts on this site about aggressive, violent, abusive, controlling men, and then ask yourself whether it is so important to you that your partner doesn't masturbate when he is alone.

What he does when you aren't around should be no concern of yours, just as he would have no right to tell you not to use a vibrator or eat chocolate.

And by the way, the vast majority of men masturbate, so don't be seduced into thinking you won't have to face the same issue again with another partner.

RiceCrispieTreats · 07/02/2016 22:34

My lines haven't shifted, I still don't want to be with someone who looks at porn.

That's your position then, and you are entitled to hold it. Your partner is a man who uses porn, ergo he is not the right partner for you.

It sounds like lying is also a deal breaker for you. He is doubly unsuitable for you, then.

Your standards are your own, OP. You don't need to justify them. This is what you know in your core that you need in order to be happy.

Original poster
Lolipoplady · 07/02/2016 22:38

Thank you for your replies everyone.

Noneedforasitter, I have no problem with him masturbating - I masturbate, most people masturbate - it's the porn I object to. Masturbating doesn't = porn in my book.

We do have a good sex life on the whole, we will occasionally go a while (i.e. a week) without sex, but sometimes that is due to me not wanting it, rather than him. I don't THINK he is rejecting me in favour of looking at porn.

It's the lying as much as anything now, as much as I hate porn. I feel like I can't trust him, and I feel like he has no respect for my feelings. At the same time, we do have a good relationship. I just don't know if I can ever really feel close to him properly again now. I feel angry at him. I trusted him and he lied.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/02/2016 22:43

My lines haven't shifted, I still don't want to be with someone who looks at porn

That seems pretty clear to me. What exactly is your dilemma ? You want to change your mind ?

EssexScott · 07/02/2016 22:44

From a male perspective I'm not really into porn because sex with my wife is much better. Everyone has fantasies, some more than others and from my experience the best thing to do is discuss them, accept them and share them together. This resolves the problem about lying, will improve your relationship and your sex life.

Noneedforasitter · 08/02/2016 05:10

OP, so you wouldn't mind him masturbating to something that wasn't porn? An arthouse film perhaps? Or a sex scene in a mainstream film?

Imagine a thread where a woman posts that she had met a man 2 years ago and he had said he didn't like an overweight partner due to previous experience and therefore asked her to agree never to eat confectionery. Say she agreed but occasionally did so anyway. I guarantee that all the responses to that post would be about the man's controlling behaviour and probably suggesting it amounted to emotional abuse. No one would say she was in the wrong for breaking her promise.

Of course he lied because you left him no alternative, but that doesn't indicate he is a poor life partner, just that in this one respect you are a difficult person for him to live with.

You may not like porn, but it is just a masturbatory aid. At worst it is a misdemeanour. Certainly not a reason to finish with someone.

Maybe there are other things wrong with your relationship, but if your problem is genuinely just this, you are getting very bad advice on this thread about leaving him over such a petty difference of opinion.

RiceCrispieTreats · 08/02/2016 05:42

Oh sitter. That would must be so comforting to believe.

Unfortunately porn is an industry built on the exploitation and abuse of young women.

Masturbation is great, but exploitative industries are not.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 08/02/2016 05:53

Noneed she didn't leave him no alternative. The alternative was that he was that he told her the truth and said "ok. Well I'm sorry you feel like that, but I do use it and will continue to do so." That way, she would have had thechoiceto re evaluate her position or walk away.

What he decided was that he wanted her and so lied to her thus taking away her right to make an informed choice about her own life.

A relationship that is based on lies is no relationship at all.

And as for it not being a reason to finish with someone, actually a pwrson can end a relationship with another person for any reason at all. There isn't a approved list of acceptable reasons and a relationship at any cost isn't what everyone wants.

Noneedforasitter · 08/02/2016 07:23

Of course a person can leave a partner for any reason! But if you put a low threshold on those reasons, you're destined for lots of short term relationships. If you want a relationship to last, it can't just be based on perfection; there needs to be compromise on both sides.

But if you enjoy short term relationships, great.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2016 08:12

Women must tolerate deceitful porn users or they are doomed to short term relationships ?

Nope.

Hissy · 08/02/2016 08:43

Noneed porn may not be a dealbreaker for you, but it is for the OP and for many others.

pinkdelight · 08/02/2016 09:29

I agree with sitter, and while I agree that the porn industry is exploitative, many industries are unethical/exploitative (farming, clothing, FMCG) and most consumers turn a blind eye. The OP isn't objecting on ethical grounds but because of what happened with her ex, which is understandable, but it doesn't mean that every man who uses porn to masturbate is going to end up rejecting her in favour of porn. Lots of men use porn occasionally and it's not a problem for their relationship. Only OP knows whether it's worth breaking up over this, but I would hope after two years you'd feel secure enough in your relationship to know that he's not like your ex. And in this case I think it's not relevant to focus on the lying and say but now I can't trust him at all. He clearly agreed to your (imo naive to unreasonable) demand because he didn't want to upset you.

AnyFucker · 08/02/2016 09:36

it is utterly fucking depressing to witness the way that other women tell women that their boundaries are unreasonable, that they will never keep a man unless they obliterate their own moral stance and that maintaining a relationship where there is deceit is better than being alone

to see it here in black and white is very sad indeed

pinkdelight · 08/02/2016 09:49

You can call it a moral stance if you like, but I thought it was pretty clear the OP's stance was specifically to do with her experience with her ex - not about porn industry or morality, but about issues overhanging from past relationship that have changed her boundaries. Whether she wants to keep her boundaries there or try to find a compromise with her DP is up to her. The fact that some people here have different boundaries just shows it's not a back and white issue is all. Not akin to the "he's clearly a shit LTB" responses. That may be helpful to the OP in giving perspective or it may not, but it's just a range of opinions, no need to be utterly fucking depressed.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 08/02/2016 09:57

'Keeping a man' isn't a goal every woman has Confused

OP I think you've made yourself clear and you should leave him. Not because he watched porn but because he lied. He should have been an adult and discussed it with you not agreed and then done it anyway.

MistressMerryWeather · 08/02/2016 10:12

The reasons for her stance are unimportant, she was completely open about it and he chose to be dishonest.

OP didn't make any demands either, she said she would prefer not to be with someone who watches porn. Anyone who thinks that this is a naive expectation must have a very low opinion of men.

Isn't setting your standards aside just to keep a man rather erm... desperate? That's not something we should be encouraging.

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