Partner lied for two years

[Lolipoplady]

I apologise, I know this subject has been rehashed so many times, but I feel so sad about this and embarrassed to talk to anyone I know in RL

So basically: DP lied for two years about his porn use. Our relationship started off long distance, About 10 months in we had the 'porn' discussion, he told me he used it frequently, and I told him that due to past experiences (xh using porn rather than having sex with me) and moral objections, I preferred not to be in a relationship with someone who looked at porn. HE straight away said that he would stop as our relationship was more important to him than porn etc. etc.

You can probably guess the rest of the story... we moved in together 8 months ago and first thing DP does when he gets a day alone is look at porn. I know this because I found his tablet and dirty tissues on the bed when I got home from work, and he confessed (although minimised initially).

He still insisted then that it was a one off, he'd not been using while we were apart... I wanted to believe him but deep down knew it was a lie. He finally admitted as much about a month ago.

I just feel so sad, and angry, about this. When we had the initial discussion he could have said that porn was important to him and he didn't want to stop. We were only 10 months in, long distance, we could have gone our separate ways (or maybe found some other way, together, I don't know), and it would have been hard but wouldn't have been the end of the world. Now our lives are intertwined, I have grown to love him deeply, and I find he has been lying to me all this time. I feel I can't trust anything he says as he will just tell me what I want to hear in order to keep me happy. What else could he be lying about?

I'm sorry for such a long post, I just needed to tell someone. I have tried to talk to DP, and while he listened for a while he eventually stormed off saying "what will talking do? I can't change the past".

He lied to keep you, although he knows your past reasons why it upsets you? He, at best, should be chastised for being so inept and inconsiderate that he leaves the manky evidence for you to find -just ew! Coming home from work, to find that he has given such little thought to your feelings, and put his needs way above yours, no wonder you are upset.
Such little consideration of your past traumatic experiences, that its easily forgettable to him to remove the evidence, he's not even trying is he? Did you put the blocks on devices? Is all the effort coming from you?
Why be with someone who makes you feel like you have to constantly manage their behaviour? When you start on that path you are on a slippery slope down.
Most men would not leave tissues laying around whether they use porn or not. I've never heard of anyone else seeing, or seen such evidence, he's got to be one especially stupid and grim guy to wave it in front of you like that .
Hard though it is after 8 months living together, it's not going to get any easier the longer you stay around, just cut your loses now.

The only thing I can really think of un defence of your partner is that he probably did intend to stop watching it bit failed and didn't want to tell you.I dont know what my opinion on this is, on one hand telling someone what they can and can't do is controlling but on the other hand you set your boundaries and he agreed and then just lied about it.
I wouldn't break up with him for this unless porn is an absolute deal breaker for you, then the only option is to break up with him really or its going to end up with more upset and lies.

Putting the porn issue aside - he lied. That should be enough to dump and run.

But the porn would be enough for me alone. Why people tell you that you have to change your opinion on porn to please him - well I have no words. And the he lied to avoid an argument excuse is just another excuse to justify his furtive behaviour.

Is this prize of a man worth so much that you should compromise all your beliefs to cling onto him no matter what?

You're right, there are ethical issues in all sorts if areas. But I have to eat and I have to wear clothes, so I do my best to ensure I consume those ethically.

Thank you everyone, it is very interesting to hear your thoughts and a comfort to have it reaffirmed that it's ok to want a partner who doesn't look at porn.

Maybe I should have been clearer - it is definitely very much an ethical issue for me as well as disliking it because of past experiences. My experiences with ExH have made me feel threated and disgusted by it, but it has always been ethically problematic to me too.

As far as I know (I can't be sure because who knows how far the lying goes?) DP hasn't looked at porn since the time 8 months ago with the tissues left out for me to see. I told him then that if he continued using it then I absolutely would leave. It took me a while at that point to decide to stay, but I decided to give a second chance. I didn't know at that point that the previous two years he'd been using it - I think maybe a part of me figured that he did - why else would that be your first instinct on your first day alone?! - but he told me that he hadn't been so I trusted him.

I know that not everyone will have the same objections to porn as I do, but I just feel so let down and disrespected by DP on this. If he wanted/needed porn so much that he couldn't/didn't want to stop we are clearly not suited so what was the point lying. He'd have been better off with someone who didn't mind, and I could have found someone else too, maybe.

But my problem is where to go from here. We generally have a very good relationship and I am loathe to let it go. But the deceit, and the deceit about something which he KNEW was so important to me, even if it seemed unreasonable in his mind. I just don't know if I can reconcile the two.

Hey op the best quality of a man is honestly.
You have your line in the sand and he crossed it.
I wonder why he decided to lie to you.
And now he still hoping you will forget about the porn use.
Its up to you if you can take his lie about the porn and carry on because you love him.
Or wait until the next lie to come out.
Because this is a big one to you.
And if you go on enough about it he will start on you.