Need urgent advice, am I an emotional abuser?

[Funnymousey]

Dh and I are going through a real rough patch and I don't know if its too late to save our marriage. We've been together 10 years and have 2 kids and he has 1 dd from previous relationship. We've both had mental health issues, him more serious and now stable, but me mainly low level apathy and depression following having kids.
He is very stable these days as I say. I have been quite low and my feelings of low self esteem are quite prominent again. Dh has a couple of hobbies he enjoys and spends 1 night a week doing and periodically through the day. Sorry for vagueness but paranoid about people recognising me, unlikely I know!
Anyway the short story is he is angry and resentful of my lack of support and interest in his hobbies. It's not the usual pattern of things but its worked out that he spend all of last Saturday and most if this one away doing his hobby. I have been grumpy and snidy all week about him leaving me with the kids again when I'm feeling low. He has responded my emotionally withdrawing. It has got to the point for him that he is so fed up of me resenting him doing anything away from us, that he is starting to question our relationship. I have serious doubts as to whether I have eroded the relationship with my sour attitude that there is no way back for us.
I am wondering if I am an emotional abuser as he feels constantly critised and like nothing he does is good enough. I feel like I resent him having fun with his hobbies when I feel shit about my life.
I'm sorry this has turned into a real ramble!

How many spa weekends do you have booked away with your friends

We work in the rule of 1/3 in our relationship.

1/3 quality me time
1/3 quality him time
1/3 quality family time

If either of us chooses not to take our time then it's not the fault of the other.

We spend our weekends as a family, often meeting up with other families, going places, doing things the children like,

DespicableBee

that has no bearing on OPs situation, lifestyle or thread. but thanks for letting us all know.

Good for you despicable.

We spend our weekends as a family, often meeting up with other families, going places, doing things the children like,

Quite frankly so what. Unless you are the OP what you do has no bearing on the OP.

It doesn't mean you have to come up with --and keep repeating- Things that aren't true in the OP case.

You seem to be coming up with any reason whether true or not in order to paint the DH on a bad way.

Right I'm starting to get a bit anxious now. I really think dh is beginning to think this is the end of us. He's still out when he said he would be back by 7. I've had no phone call or text from him since he left at 1.30 this afternoon. I think he's doing it to prove a point or to make me worry. It's courtesy surely to let me know he's running late! It's a small thing that he always would have done before. It's not a good sign is it?

Please don't panic. If is anything like here the weather is really bad so he could be caught in traffic.

I just have an awful feeling about our marriage after the conversation we had earlier. I've actually been reading up about csa payments and price of flats in our area ffs. I'm mentally steeling myself for bad news. I'm not prepared to have him living here if he's not in love with me anymore, it would be too confusing for the kids and me.

Maybe txt him and just say something simple like 'worried I haven't heard from you, hope it's just that you're having a good time, please let me know you're ok'?

I've just read the whole thread op, and whilst it's fair to say you're being incredibly honest, you're also being really down on yourself. I agree with the posters who suggest going to see your gp to at least discuss your depression. CBT may well be really helpful given how you do want to change your behaviour, and a course of mild antidepressants will just give your body the boost it needs to up your happy chemicals until your body starts making enough again.

How old are your dcs? (Sorry if I missed that) just wondering if you can say to dp, you've been thinking that you'll try to do an activity with them whenever he does his hobby, see if that helps how you feel. Swimming, park etc?

Few things. I took St John's wort at one stage and found it to have the most horrible affect completely sacking the energy and joy out of my life. So maybe look at that possibly making you worse instead of better. Secondly you seem to have fallen into a sort of victim mentality. You can do things. You have opportunities. Maybe it's depression doing that. Get an anti depression course from your doctor then gradually you will not feel so negative about everything. I think it's good for a relationship if you both have separate hobbies. Good role model for the kids unless it's down the pub stuff. So stop looking at what your dh is doing. Go to doctor. Look at side affects of St John's wort and hopefully joy will come back. Be honest with your dh but don't blame him.

Hi op, how are things today? Did dp come home ok?

How are things this afternoon, OP?

Hi yes he came home after 8. I asked him why he didn't call and he didn't say much except a mumbled apology. I said I was concerned that in his mind things have slipped too far for recovery. He said he doesn't feel like its too late and so we kind of just stopped talking about it. We were out today and things are still quite frosty. Neither of us feel like being affectionate, so we haven't. Just going through the motions really. I wonder how long it will continue like this.

I'm a bit embarrassed about the title of my thread now, I was upset yesterday and being a bit ott. I shouldn't have banded the term "emotional abuser" around like that. I wish I could change the title now, I feel like a tit!

Report the title
And hq can change.

Stop taking SJW. On your days off have activities planned. Gym sounds like it could be a place to go. My dh does a hobby that can take all day and one evening a week. Because my running group is on the same night we do alternate weeks in summer. I dont run in the rain or dark he also does the all day once a month only. But he also works one Saturday a month. Thankfully from home though. Spending all day with small children is hard! Trying to entertain them, referee, feeling like you need to do something productive and creative, hetting them to different classes! I feel ya honestly! Last saturday dh was working and my god i was exhausted after ferrying and watching children in three different classes and a party! You just have to make sure that you get time for yourself in and sundays are special family days.

Funnymousey hi, I have read all your posts but not every single one of the others, I hope what I say does not upset you or misrepresent anything.

For what you say your husband does seem to genuinely care and does not feel your marriage is over but you seem almost determined to think it is and to begin to unravel it! Re …he came home after 8. I asked him why he didn't call and he didn't say much except a mumbled apology. I said I was concerned that in his mind things have slipped too far for recovery. He said he doesn't feel like its too late and so we kind of just stopped talking about it. We were out today and things are still quite frosty. Neither of us feel like being affectionate, so we haven't. Just going through the motions really. I wonder how long it will continue like this.

It sounds like rather than grasping the nettle and working towards a better relationship together you are trying to sound death knell of it! Please do not do this, please take the wise advice already given on here and work at your relationship together.

I have made some notes on what you said because I feel very much it is in your power to change things but only if you recognise you can make a difference.

I also feel you may be more depressed than you think… re "I'm not dreadfully depressed so I feel a bit of a fraud calling it that. Sometimes I'm fairly chipper. Other days life's a struggle. I feel under motivated quite a lot and joyless most of the time. I don't feel happy very often and sometimes I wonder if this is as good as it gets. I don't know if its bad enough to need proper medication."

I think you need to see your GP and explore these low feelings, whether the answer is medication or perhaps some counselling/therapy, perhaps some CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) I don't know. I am not a medical professional but I has CBT for anxiety about 17 years ago and it worked brilliantly.

I also think some help with self esteem would help. You may be able to get some from Mind.

Mind Self Esteem

I know you seem open to counselling. Your husband may not wish to join you but that is fine, you can work on yourself and encourage him.

Some counselling might be available on the NHS, it is worth asking.

OK last one, it was too long to post as one post... Re "I keep thinking that real love doesn't look like this, the way I've treated him. I would devastated if we broke up but I don't know if that's more because of the kids and not wanting to be alone. When we met we were so in love, proper fireworks, the lot. I wonder sometimes where all that love and passion went." The passion may well have got drowned out by day to day living and having kids, and the low feelings you have. I do believe if you really loved each other (which ( am sure you did). You can regain those feelings but it takes time and effort.

You could explore some counselling together, try 'Relate'

www.relate.org.uk/

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/feeling-unsatisfied-your-relationship

Are you maybe a bit bored, not feeling the fun in your relationship?

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/feeling-unsatisfied-your-relationship/im-bored-my-relationship

There is lots of advice out there, I think you need to tap into it. Make time for a variety of things in life and DO NOT FEEL GUILTY for time alone or together. You may need to ensure that weekly/monthly you allow times for:

Quality you alone, quality your husband alone, quality you and your husband together,... and you get the idea... Quality you and your kids, and Quality your hubby and kids and you all as a family.

This sounds like hard work!

So you need to ensure that each of these times IS FUN. What do you all like, swimming, walking, bowling, dinner out, the park, going to see a film? You do not need to do all the things every month! who could afford that. But the occasional trip to McDonald is not too much, buying a DVD and popcorn and having a film night in altogether, or a night out just for you and dh, all these things are worth investing in.

You resent your husband doing his hobby and having fun away from you and the kids? Now imagine if you split up and you are on your own with the kids a lot of the time, how will that feel. I imagine pretty hard. So it really is worth putting the effort in TOGETHER to get back the love.

Re He thinks its strange that I hate being on my own with the kids. I think maybe he's right that it is a bit odd. I do feel resentful if I'm on my own with them. When you don't feel very enthusiastic about life though it's hard to entertain children alone. I do not think this is odd. I find playing with the kids hard. Mine are 5 and 11, and they both present different challenges. We are lucky to have a garden and a trampoline, these help a lot! But on wet days it is just being indoors and the TV is a life saver. But I do try and limit it. I tend to occasionally do craft and cooking with them, or decorate cakes, I get the blender out and make fruity drinks with them, we watch movies together with popcorn, or occasionally go to the park or the local charity shop for bargain books and read a story together. They can, and do play, together and alone without me, and I just accept I can’t do everything with them. Planning how to fill the time helps. The internet is full of craft ideas, there is lots of help out there.
You really must see the GP and get some help, then make some effort, if you can, to understand your husband's need to enjoy his hobby without your making him feel guilty.

It is not too late, I am sure, but you will need to say sorry when you make mistakes and not make him feel bad for something which is really quite reasonable, time to himself. I am sure he will need to put some work in too! It is a two way street.

Love needs a bit of tending, it cannot grow and flourish in a vacuum.

PS it is Valentines day, do you exchange cards, or gifts? Do you make space to have a nice time together?

Maybe could the kids go to bed early and you give each other a back massage.

You know you could start by telling him bow much you want your marriage to get better and you are willing to make time and energy for this, and that you "... would devastated if we broke up" Your words already to us, does he know that you would be devastated if you broke up? Maybe he needs to know.