Need urgent advice, am I an emotional abuser?

[Funnymousey]

Dh and I are going through a real rough patch and I don't know if its too late to save our marriage. We've been together 10 years and have 2 kids and he has 1 dd from previous relationship. We've both had mental health issues, him more serious and now stable, but me mainly low level apathy and depression following having kids.
He is very stable these days as I say. I have been quite low and my feelings of low self esteem are quite prominent again. Dh has a couple of hobbies he enjoys and spends 1 night a week doing and periodically through the day. Sorry for vagueness but paranoid about people recognising me, unlikely I know!
Anyway the short story is he is angry and resentful of my lack of support and interest in his hobbies. It's not the usual pattern of things but its worked out that he spend all of last Saturday and most if this one away doing his hobby. I have been grumpy and snidy all week about him leaving me with the kids again when I'm feeling low. He has responded my emotionally withdrawing. It has got to the point for him that he is so fed up of me resenting him doing anything away from us, that he is starting to question our relationship. I have serious doubts as to whether I have eroded the relationship with my sour attitude that there is no way back for us.
I am wondering if I am an emotional abuser as he feels constantly critised and like nothing he does is good enough. I feel like I resent him having fun with his hobbies when I feel shit about my life.
I'm sorry this has turned into a real ramble!

[peggyundercrackers]

OP says she has two days alone without kids - she does get time away to do what she wants, she has said she gets more free time than her DH.

Why do you resent your DH being away from you? IMO it's absolutely normal for couples to spend time apart doing whatever they want to do. It's not healthy to live in each other's pockets.

I can kind of see why your DH has withdrawn, if he feels like you just snipe all the time and are snidey he probably wonders why he bothers because he can't do right for doing wrong.

[Funnymousey]

Despicable, its not a usual pattern its just worked out to be a busy month for him. He's away for a stag do in a couple of weeks too so that's another day I'll be on my own with kids. Up to recently I was running for a hour every weekend and maybe one evening too. Since my work days have increased I've lost my mojo with the running a bit. My work pattern does bugger up the weekday evenings but I do still have 2 childfree days a week when they're at school. As he points out, he only has weekends and the odd evening.
He thinks its strange that I hate being on my own with the kids. I think maybe he's right that it is a bit odd. I do feel resentful if I'm on my own with them. When you don't feel very enthusiastic about life though it's hard to entertain children alone.

[Funnymousey]

Peggy yes you've got that right I think. I'm not sure how to move forward.

[DespicableBee]

She doesn't get this me away from the children out of the house, doing hobbies, meeting friends
She stays in the house, probably doing housework
I would resent my husband if he had a 'hobbie' he had to do every weekend
Stuff that, weekends are for family time, all going out together

[Shutthatdoor]

She doesn't get this me away from the children out of the house, doing hobbies, meeting friends
She stays in the house, probably doing housework

That is her choice too however. Does it take 2 days to do housework every week?

[DespicableBee]

Unless she uses her during the week time to go and meet friends for lunch, cinema etc doesn't count IMO
She could be hoovering, preparing food for when the children get back from school
I would also resent my husband if he sulked, stonewalled me, just because I dared complain about the fact he left the house all day Saturday, sulking is emotionally abusive, he is doing that to stop you complaining about his hobbie

[Funnymousey]

Its not every weekend as I said. He wouldn't do that as he knows it unreasonable to be out every weekend. We both agree on that. Which explains why my treatment of him is out of order. I'm under no illusions as to who is in the wrong here. Not in a self depreciating sort of way, I'm just being honest with myself. He is not a saint in this relationship but I can see this is one aspect of our problems I need to take responsibility for.

[peggyundercrackers]

despicable she is choosing to do nothing so of course it counts.

[Shutthatdoor]

Unless she uses her during the week time to go and meet friends for lunch, cinema etc doesn't count IMO

Why couldn't she do that though. If she is choses not to send the time doing that then surely it is up to the OP?

Leisure time doesn't have to be out of the house imo.

[DespicableBee]

Why doesn't he want to spend time with his wife and children at the weekend, taking them to the park, all going out for lunch, going to a zoo
None of my friends husbands have hobbies that take up the whole of one day of the weekend
Acouple do things once a week, or once every two weeks one evening a week

[DespicableBee]

He sulks...which is emotionally abusive

[DontCareHowIWantItNow]

None of my friends husbands have hobbies that take up the whole of one day of the weekend

It isn't every weekend for starters.

[DespicableBee]

I'd be really annoyed if my dh said to me, every Saturday from now on I'm going to watch the football, some away games I'll be out all day, look after the kids love, BTW I don't want to spend time with you and the kids, doing nice things while they're young, making the most of our precious weekend family time. I'd prefer to be with my friends drinking, watching sport.
BTW if you disagree with me I will sulk and emotionally abuse you until you shut up!

[Funnymousey]

Despicable bee I think you're missing the point. It's sounds like you are trying to twist my posts to fit with your idea of my dh emotionally abusising me, which is I bit far off the mark. I bet I'm going to be accused in a minute of being in denial! You can't win on here sometimes unless you ltb!

[Shutthatdoor]

I'd be really annoyed if my dh said to me, every Saturday

You seem to be deliberately missing the point. it isn't every Saturday

[DespicableBee]

You said he sulks!!

[Seeyounearertime]

It sounds like OP is a bit down and does little outside of the house.
meanwhile her OH occasionally pursues his hobby at a weekend and one night a week.
OP gets two days a week without the children and works some nights too. when she works late then her OH looks after the kids.

It doesn't sound like either are "abusive" it sounds more like OP is bored and resents that her OH isn't equally bored.

[Funinthesun15]

Despicablebee You seem to be seeing what you want to see from the OP posts rather what she is actually saying......

[DespicableBee]

How am I twisting the fact you said he sulks???
He has a hobby you don't like, you don't like being on your own at weekends with the children, that's perfectly reasonable, who would enjoy being in the house all day with the children whilst their dad was out with friends
He sulks because you aren't enthusiastic about his hobby,cwhy do you need to be enthusiastic about it?
Is it the law that women must be enthusiastic about their husbands hobbies away from the house?
What if football bores you, do you have to pretend to like it?

[DespicableBee]

A stag do, does he want you to be enthusiastic about that too
Darling hope you don't mind, I'm off to magaluf for the weekend with the lads, be a good girl and look after the kiddie winks will you whilst I drink, go clubbing, probably visit a couple of lap dancing clubs
Wife,' oh great, I so love it when you leave me with the kiddies, I just can't wait, have a super time love'( said enthusiastically)

[Funnymousey]

Seeyounearer, that's a pretty accurate summing up! I do a few bits here and there. This week I had an evening out and next week I've booked an exercise class for my day off. It's the fact I'm bored and he's not that gets to me!
I really have nothing to complain about do I? Except for a crumbling marriage of my own making. Shit.

[Bubblesinthesummer]

Despicablebee You seem to be projecting a lot and keep going on about it being every weekend when OP has numerous times said it isn't

[Savagebeauty]

Where did lapdancing come from?

[Seeyounearertime]

why are you twisting everything the op ois saying Despicable? are you trying to derail this thread and make it about yourself? if you need advice then please start a new thread and ask for it.

OP.
I believe your depression is far worse than you think it is. please go to your GP. it's ok taking St Johns Wort but you can't get better than a proper treatment from a Dr.
Part of depression is having no get up and go, feeling bored but not wanting to do anything about it. it's also "finding things you once enjoyed no longer enjoyable"

I would highly recommend you take your gp up on a mild antidepressant or a CBT course if he can refer you to one.

[Seeyounearertime]

I've been on st johns wort for a while. I'm not dreadfully depressed so I feel a bit of a fraud calling it that.

take a look here OP: www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Symptoms.aspx

I'm no expert mind you but everything you say just shouts depression to me.