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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like I can't give anymore.

43 replies

Rachel9989 · 05/02/2016 20:50

Hi, I signed up tonight to just hopefully talk to someone, anyone. Me and DH have been married 1 year and things have been terrible that whole year. I've lost my will to care about myself or much else. Before we married (about a year before) he was chatting to someone on fb deleted messages etc told me just an old friend and I got over it didn't think much of it. Around 6 month ago I noticed this person pop up but under a different name I clicked and it had links on the profile, it was to an escort site. This person is an escort, I spoke to DH who claimed he didn't know. Then one drunken night said he did know but not til after they spoke. Then claimed he didn't when sober again. Swore nothing went on. Trust was sort of shattered. Since then he's been nasty and distant. He's nasty to my DC says my DC has 'fucking mental problems' tonight he slammed the door nearly off the hinge, screamed he hates us all and ran at me very aggressively. When he calmed down he claimed I tried to hit him???? My back was turned and I had my hands full of clothes? I feel like I don't deserve to be treated like this. I feel so alone I've no one to talk to...

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 05/02/2016 20:53

He's had a year and he's proven himself to be violent, nasty to your child and generally horrible. That would be the end of it for me.

StillYummy · 05/02/2016 20:59

Somone else will be better at the emotional side. He sounds dreadful. If you think he has been unfaithful then please get a sti test. Escorts don't tend to chat for free.

thefourgp · 05/02/2016 21:04

It shouldn't be all about you giving and him taking. I wouldn't tolerate anyone being nasty to my children. Dump him asap.

Angieyy1 · 05/02/2016 21:06

I would be more conserned that he's speaks to your son in that way that's damaging to him and that he's clearly aggressive and your son does not need that in his life . They never change aggressive men.... They just get worse xx

AnyFucker · 05/02/2016 21:08

why the fuck are you with this lowlife ?

Hissy · 05/02/2016 21:08

Get him GONE!

You have to protect your son! Please end this for both your sales!

goddessofsmallthings · 05/02/2016 21:31

He's nasty to my DC says my DC has 'fucking mental problems

Fgs get this man out of your life before he causes your dc to develop 'mental problems' that could blight their adult life.

Is your home rented or mortgaged and who is named on the tenancy/mortage agreement?

Original poster
Rachel9989 · 05/02/2016 21:48

Thanks for replies, my DC is very naughty but I don't think he has any mental problems he constantly tells me to take him to the doctor for autism? I don't know what to think here. It's rented in both names. We have a DC together too who he treats completely different. I've been for a few sti's as was paranoid. I don't think I can speak to family about this as I feel they will hit the roof.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 05/02/2016 22:03

If it takes your family hitting the roof to get this nasty piece of work out of your life tell them asap and, more especially, as evidenced by his claim that you "tried to hit him", because he may make false allegations against you.

How old is your dc and what 'very naughty' things does he do? Has he always been 'naughty' or has his behaviour gradually, or suddenly, deteriorated from what it once was?

Original poster
Rachel9989 · 05/02/2016 22:11

He's 7, he's always been hard to get to bed, sometimes he's great then sometimes not. He gets very very angry if told to do something ( eg get ready) not all the time but a lot. He's also hit me a few times and the wall and screams and shouts. It's as if he's a toddler sometimes the way he goes on. Also dh has claimed in past I've done things I haven't which is worrying.

OP posts:
Hissy · 05/02/2016 22:14

Your dp is showing your ds how to get his own way.

He's showing him violence and he's treating him like shit, differently to the other child.

Get this man gone. Now.

AliceInUnderpants · 05/02/2016 22:15

I don't know what to think here.

Are you serious? He's abusive towards your child.what the fuck do you think you ought to do?

Original poster
Rachel9989 · 05/02/2016 22:18

I meant I didn't know what to think about my son sorry. I understand where you are all coming from but what if he makes loads of shit up about me if I throw him out? He's so manipulative people believe his every word!

OP posts:
hownottofuckup · 05/02/2016 22:19

It's much easier to deal with DC when you don't a bullying adult in the house.
I think you do know what to think, that's why you posted. You just need to get the strength together to remove yourself and DC from a situation that is harming you all Flowers

hownottofuckup · 05/02/2016 22:20

It doesn't actually matter as it goes. People will believe all kinds of shit if they don't know or care for you

Original poster
Rachel9989 · 05/02/2016 22:22

Should I just pack his things? When he's at work then stay away for the night?

OP posts:
thefourgp · 05/02/2016 22:26

It doesn't really matter what others believe. It matters what your son believes. You need to protect him.

Original poster
Rachel9989 · 05/02/2016 22:28

I completely agree, I worry so much when I leave him with dh while I'm at work

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 05/02/2016 22:29

Whose name is your house in, yours, his or both? That influences whether you ask him to go or look for somewhere yourself. He sounds very unpleasant though and you're right to think you shouldn't be treated this way. I would tell people the truth and show you have nothing to hide, he does (or should).

thefourgp · 05/02/2016 22:29

Also you're absolutely right that you don't deserve to be treated like this. It'll be really difficult at first but you'll feel so much better about yourself when you're not with a man who's so nasty to you. X

janethegirl2 · 05/02/2016 22:33

I agree, get rid of this poor specimen of 'man'.

Original poster
Rachel9989 · 05/02/2016 22:34

It's in both our names but he has family he can move in with I don't, I know he would go but I only work 24 hours a week. Also I don't drive so taking my dcs to school would be a nightmare. I feel trapped in a nightmare

OP posts:
Original poster
Rachel9989 · 05/02/2016 22:36

Also if he did move his family live about an hour and a half away. He works various shifts very longs hours. Worried about him wanting to take custody. But his family have never had our dc and I wouldn't leave dc with them in fairness!

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 06/02/2016 00:38

Lots of parents either don't drive or don't have cars, but they manage to get their dc to school every day.

'Custody' has been replaced by child care arrangements orders which can be negotiated as part of the divorce process. It's unlikely he'd get more than contact every other weekend with the dc he has with you and, regardless of what he may threaten, the chances are he won't want to be encumbered with a dc especially when you tell him that you'll be using the time he has his dc to go clubbing get out and about and meet om with friends.

If you're worried about how you'll manage financially others here can tell you what you'll be entitled to claim such as housing benefit, tax credits, and child maintenance.

In short, none of the reasons you've advanced so far are cause for you to continue this marriage and the effect it's having on you and, more especially, your 7yo ds is every reason to end it asap.

Fwiw, your ds doesn't sound any different to thousands of other dc who are living with a stepfather who makes a marked distinction between them and their half-siblings. Your little boy doesn't have the vocabulary to tell you how he feels and and refusing to comply with whatever requests are made of him is his only way of expressing and relieving his feelings and of course he's angry with you - you bought this man, who is unkind to him, into his life and had another dc who takes your attention away from him.

If you have family members who will stand shoulder to shoulder with you and prevail on your h to leave, PLEASE solicit their help asap. I'm not an alarmist but I would caution you against attempting to make him leave without some back up in the form of irate dps and/or hefty male. family members.

I suspect that what you've said here about your h is merely the tip of an iceberg of abuse with gaslighting being the very least of it. You and both of your dc deserve so much more than this and I suggest you make contact with Women's Aid and begin to get his behaviour towards you documented as a matter of urgency. www.womensaid.org.uk

Resilience16 · 06/02/2016 01:03

Rachel, I am really sorry you are in this shit situation. Your husband is abusive , untrustworthy and manipulative. You and your son deserve better. It is affecting you and damaging your son.
It is brave of you to post here, and acknowledging there is a problem with your relationship is the first step to sorting it out.
Please speak to women's aid as they will be able to give you more guidance to get out if this abusive relationship.
Put yourself and your son first. You deserve to be happy and safe. It will be hard, but you have the support if us mumsnetters here.
Here is a hug for you. Good luck x