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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel like I can't give anymore.

43 replies

Rachel9989 · 05/02/2016 20:50

Hi, I signed up tonight to just hopefully talk to someone, anyone. Me and DH have been married 1 year and things have been terrible that whole year. I've lost my will to care about myself or much else. Before we married (about a year before) he was chatting to someone on fb deleted messages etc told me just an old friend and I got over it didn't think much of it. Around 6 month ago I noticed this person pop up but under a different name I clicked and it had links on the profile, it was to an escort site. This person is an escort, I spoke to DH who claimed he didn't know. Then one drunken night said he did know but not til after they spoke. Then claimed he didn't when sober again. Swore nothing went on. Trust was sort of shattered. Since then he's been nasty and distant. He's nasty to my DC says my DC has 'fucking mental problems' tonight he slammed the door nearly off the hinge, screamed he hates us all and ran at me very aggressively. When he calmed down he claimed I tried to hit him???? My back was turned and I had my hands full of clothes? I feel like I don't deserve to be treated like this. I feel so alone I've no one to talk to...

OP posts:

Original poster

Rachel9989 · 06/02/2016 07:26

I wasn't using the excuse of school to save my marriage just thinking out loud, we live very far away from his school would take 2 buses to get there. I could maybe look into moving closer. I can't live like this I feel like we all walk on egg shells it's a horrible feeling. He has hit me once before (back hand across the face) and he made everyone believe It was my fault and I deserved it. I'm fed up.

OP posts:

Resilience16 · 06/02/2016 07:48

Yes I know what it's like walking on egg shells. Speak to women's aid today, their hotline is open 24/7 and they will be able to give you really good advice.

Hissy · 06/02/2016 08:23

Many of us know how terrifying all of this is from the position you are looking at it from, it seems so insurmountable.

But your h is abuaing you, and he is actively abusing your dc.

You must get your dc away from him, or him away from the dc,. Because your h is abusing them.

Your ds is exhibiting signs of extreme stress and also learning From this "man". Eventually he'd learn to take over from your h and you'd suffer. Also any gf he'd have would suffer, as would any grandchild.

Stop the rot now. You are the only one that can save your dc, the only one who can save yourself.

This man will only ever get worse. Abusers don't change.

Original poster

Rachel9989 · 06/02/2016 08:27

Ok I will, I know it's sounds strange but I've never wanted to come across as a 'victim' I've always had a hard exterior but I'm struggling to keep it together. I feel like I can't do anything right it's strange, there isn't really any part of our relationship that is good, he would rather watch porn than sleep with me, I feel hurt and bitter

OP posts:

Original poster

Rachel9989 · 06/02/2016 12:22

How would I go about telling immediate family? I don't know what to say

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summerwinterton · 06/02/2016 15:07

He is a violent abuser and you deserve better? I dunno, tell the truth. Will you call Women's Aid?

BlondeOnATreadmill · 06/02/2016 16:18

goddessofsmallthings has it nailed. Totally agree. Don't waste any more time on this frightful relationship. It sounds awful.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 06/02/2016 16:22

Your immediate family will side with you. Maybe they might question why you want to leave, but tell them the truth and they will stick by you.

My parents both told me not to leave ExH. We'd been together for 20 years and had 2 DC, and my parents were horrified at the thought of us splitting up. BUT....when they realised I meant business, they did what most parents do, and they sided with their own flesh and blood. Now 8 years on, they never speak to ExH and have embraced my DH wit open arms, and love him to bits.

The back handed slap to the face, was your wake up call. I would never tolerate this.

This man is teaching your DS how to be a violent man. Please get out, asap.

Hissy · 06/02/2016 16:58

My immediate family didn't stick by me, the opposite in fact...

It doesn't matter tho, mumsnetters are better than just about anything

AnyFucker · 06/02/2016 19:28

There is something extra contemptuous about a backhander, isn't there ?

Like he can't even be fucking bothered to hit you properly

Get out and don't look back. This man is worth shit.

Original poster

Rachel9989 · 06/02/2016 21:56

Thanks for replies. I don't think he couldn't be bothered he just felt like it was 'just a slap' not a hit by doing that. I am going to ring woman's aid tonight what do they do? Never really heard of them

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AnyFucker · 06/02/2016 22:07

There is no such thing as "just a slap"

Yes, speak to WA.

summerwinterton · 06/02/2016 22:24

I agree with a AF - a backhander is so derogatory. I am v glad you will speak to WA. They help abused women escape abusive relationships. Ask about the Freedom Programme too. You can even do it online if you wish.

TendonQueen · 07/02/2016 12:05

I don't think it helps to describe one type of assault as more or less derogatory than another. The bottom line should be that any of it is unacceptable.

I would just lay out your current situation to WA and see what they say.

VioletRoller · 07/02/2016 20:16

Who knows about the back hand and thinks it's your fault?

Are you sure he isn't just telling you that? IME violent men might even talk about it with close friends, watered down of course, and talk about the provocation that "made" them do it, might even "good guy" it and talk about how awful they feel. Friend probably doesn't know what to say/cant be bothered and says something to comfort them/cool the conversation and change the subject.

Violent man will then come back and repeat it to you completely out of context.

Not that excusing DV is ok.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/02/2016 20:23

Who thought the slap was your fault? Did they say that to you? Or is that an idea he has put into your head?

You need to get this man out of your child's life. Your boy is angry and scared and unsettled. His behaviour will improve 100% if you remove the source of the anger and fear.

Original poster

Rachel9989 · 07/02/2016 20:46

People were there when it happened, family and friends. He said I pushed him too far and made up a load of lies I apparently said. Haven't rang WA yet as looked online and it says they get the police involved? I just want someone to talk to confidentially?

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AnyFucker · 08/02/2016 09:31

Shame on your family and friends that witnessed him hitting you and condoned it.

WA won't involve police unless you wish it. They won't do anything you don't give consent for (unless there are immediate child safeguarding issues). They understand about consent.

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