Says he doesn't do love - found very old text to exGF saying he loved her.

[wantmorenow]

Just that. He left his phone at mine & I went through contacts list to see if his house phone number was in it so I could ring him. It wasn't. Then I looked through his old texts to see if phone company had text him the number during their installation process. Found old texts between him and his ex and couldn't help but snoop. Know I shouldn't have but was nosy. A text from him to her saying he loved her and didn't want to lose her. Nothing unusual about it, before we were together and nothing to do with me.

Only this is the same man who has told me that he doesn't really 'do love' and that he's never really been in love, not 'his thing'. I love him and have struggled to adapt to this expectation of never hearing the words. He turns it back on me by asking 'what would you prefer; someone who says it and treats you like shit or someone who never says it but treats you well?'.

He is the kindest, most reliable, selfless and generous man, friend, lover, boyfriend ever. He is my rock, my best friend and ally. We have been dating 18 months and it's been a happy, wonderful time.

He returned shortly after and I told him what I had done. He didn't get cross and neither did I. I told him I'd seen him tell her he loved her. Tried to talk about it with him but it didn't make much sense, Something about having a degree of feelings after their 3 years together. All quite abstract and confusing. Feeling gutted.

[Twinklestein]

If she hadn't looked she wouldn't know. Nor would any of the women who discovered they were being cheated on.

I don't really know what it signifies that he can't say he loves you. I recall your previous thread on this and your determination to put it down to ASD which didn't for me have particularly strong grounds. I can't remember my advice on that thread but generally I'd say if a man doesn't say he loves you he probably doesn't.

[OwlCurrency]

Maybe he felt under pressure to say it at that time. It's difficult to know what people were really thinking when they sent an old text.

I have snooped before, so I am not judging. But I don't agree that much good can come of eroding trust.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

Red It's not a "love guru" thing - it's that OP needs to listen to what he actually said. Which wasn't that he loves her but doesn't verbalise it. It was that he doesn't do love. He let her believe that he wasn't capable of loving, and then OP found out that he used to love someone else.

If OP asks if he loves her, he is very likely to repeat that he does not do love. She has talked to him. He finds the conversations uncomfortable, presumably because the least he says, the more OP can convince herself that it's not that he doesn't love her, it's that he can't. And when OP realised that, it was highly likely that she'd leave.

If it was just that he couldn't say it, it would be fine. OP would know that he did, and his actions would reinforce it.

Only this is the same man who has told me that he doesn't really 'do love' and that he's never really been in love, not 'his thing'.

He doesn't not say it. He doesn't feel it. Asking is likely to just make OP feel worse - he'll either lie and they'll both know that he is lying, or he'll tell the truth and she'll be hurt.

[BeyonceRiRiMadonnna]

Want I'm just reading your question now (haven't read any new developments) but the sex was AWESOME, my ex did everything perfectly, bought lovely gifts, took me on holiday, wined and dined me.....typing it now sounds ridiculous, why would I end things with someone so "perfect"?!?!?! I'm 41 btw. i ended things with him 2 years ago!

[Atenco]

Well, all I can say is that the person who treated me with most genuine love, was just like your bf. He'd tell me that he loved me like he loved John, Fred, etc. his friends, but he was so good to me and I consider him the love of my life.

I foolishly broke up with him and went on to meet my dd's father who used all kinds of pretty words of love, but treated me worse than shit on his shoe.

[TerrorAustralis]

I had an XP who was similar. Said pretty early on that he didn't feel capable of love. But he did love his dog . And he also told me that he had told an ex he loved her after they had broken up (not during the relationship).

There were really good things about the relationship (the sex, comes to mind), but the whole 'not capable of love' thing was representative of his emotional damage. His parents had done a really good job of fucking him up.

It wasn't what lead me to break up with him in the end. But being told that he was not able to love me hurt.

[CheeseToastie123]

I've been with my fella nearly 4 years. He will, I suspect, never tells me he loves me. I can't say getting used to that was easy but, on the whole, I have. Occasionally I wobble, but only in a self inflicted way that I do in all relationships! No wisdom, but it can work.

[Goingtobeawesome]

I have had several men tell me they love me. I was so desperate for love (abandoned as a baby) that I believed them and convinced myself I loved them. Part of it was I needed to get over someone and if I loved this new person..

Then I met DH. I knew I loved him very quickly but was trying to go very slowly and not get carried away as I knew I'd been affected by news of my ex, but I also knew he loved me before he told me. How it was with me, the way he was straight and didn't play games, he called when he said he would, he was kind to me and interested in how my day was. He was just great. One day, five months in, he turned up at my flat unexpectedly and said he'd just come to tell me he loved me.

We've been together for 20 years now.

It doesn't have to be so hard and full of angst.