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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Says he doesn't do love - found very old text to exGF saying he loved her.

58 replies

wantmorenow · 04/02/2016 21:13

Just that. He left his phone at mine & I went through contacts list to see if his house phone number was in it so I could ring him. It wasn't. Then I looked through his old texts to see if phone company had text him the number during their installation process. Found old texts between him and his ex and couldn't help but snoop. Know I shouldn't have but was nosy. A text from him to her saying he loved her and didn't want to lose her. Nothing unusual about it, before we were together and nothing to do with me.

Only this is the same man who has told me that he doesn't really 'do love' and that he's never really been in love, not 'his thing'. I love him and have struggled to adapt to this expectation of never hearing the words. He turns it back on me by asking 'what would you prefer; someone who says it and treats you like shit or someone who never says it but treats you well?'.

He is the kindest, most reliable, selfless and generous man, friend, lover, boyfriend ever. He is my rock, my best friend and ally. We have been dating 18 months and it's been a happy, wonderful time.

He returned shortly after and I told him what I had done. He didn't get cross and neither did I. I told him I'd seen him tell her he loved her. Tried to talk about it with him but it didn't make much sense, Something about having a degree of feelings after their 3 years together. All quite abstract and confusing. Feeling gutted.

OP posts:

jazzyg · 04/02/2016 22:58

OP, you said that the text you found to his exgf said something like "I love you and don't want to lose you..." so maybe she had the same issues with him that you do and that text was his last ditch attempt to keep her with an "I love you". He told you he had a "degree of feelings for her". I think what he told you is the truth, and it doesn't sound like he was madly in love with her. He sounds like he's not hugely in touch with his emotional side and as u said that might be because of how he's been brought up, so I doubt he was any different with her than he is with you. Besides which she's in his past and you are in his present.

HeddaGarbled · 04/02/2016 23:01

I don't think he is a good man and I don't buy this I don't do love, been damaged by being hurt in the past stuff. I think it's a strategy to keep you on your toes. It's actually cruel. I think you should call it a day and if there is any way you could not stay with him next week, I would avoid it as I think he knows exactly how to keep you where he wants you.

Original poster

wantmorenow · 04/02/2016 23:17

Thank you. I would give anything to be able to have one conversation about this where we both could talk in a way that each of us understands without misunderstandings, fear of getting it wrong and put the whole thing to rest. I try to be as patient and encouraging as can be, he looks like he wants to talk occasionally but it's like he hasn't the vocabulary or confidence. He really does look terrified of getting it wrong, like it's a test he's bound to fail. Yet when he tries I feel so proud of him and honoured that he's still giving this emotional talking stuff a go. I can see it costs him dearly.

Damn. I really do love him. I'm fucked! LOL. Just need to work harder on the unconditional bit as he makes so few demands of me, he accepts me as I am (hugely flawed) and apart from the good hearted teasing, he doesn't criticise me ever.

Just text him an apology (again) with the promise to not snoop again. He said crack on, snoop away, nothing to hide. Think I've learned my lesson tonight.

OP posts:

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 04/02/2016 23:31

I dated someone like him, he was/is the love of my life, did all the right things, said all the right things, perfect gent, but I've always felt like he just wasn't IN love with me, well not the way I wanted him to be, just so very odd! In the end I ended things with him, there was no big fight, no drama but for my own sanity and emotional well being chose to go NC! I was way more invested in him and the relationship than he was. BITTER PILL TO SWALLOW. I just want a man who is going to tell me he loves me and mean it and show it, that is all! Good luck.

Original poster

wantmorenow · 04/02/2016 23:42

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna I can totally understand that. I'm more invested emotionally for sure but he does more. If he sees me need something doing, an errand run, a meal shopped for, a new tyre, a bath ready, a hug, an ear to vent to, he's there and it's done before I even ask. I would love to hear he loves me though. No idea why it seems so important to me. What stage in life are you at? Makes a difference maybe. I'm almost 50 so the kids raising thing is almost ending for me. I have a house and a career. He makes my free time fun and the sex is awesome. Great sex is hugely important to me and he ticks all the boxes in that department; including some I didn't know existed! I hope you find what you are looking for in another one day.

OP posts:

Original poster

wantmorenow · 05/02/2016 18:03

Woke with the crushing realisation that it's broken and I can't fix it. All I am doing is delaying the inevitable. Would love to fix it with him but know that isn't going to happen. How can it be this bloody difficult to build a loving secure relationship with him?

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/02/2016 18:22

I am really sorry.

I do think you're looking at this wrongly - if you read your last few posts, you keep asking why it's so hard for him, how it can be so difficult to have a loving relationship with him, how you encourage him for trying.

This isn't something that he's not capable of. It's something that he doesn't feel. He told you that he won't love you, that he doesn't "do" love, and you seem to have coped with that by deciding that it's something that he's not capable of, that it's a flaw in his personality and he can't feel love. Almost that it's a disability of his? Which means that finding out that he DID love someone, and he CAN feel love, has thrown you completely.It's a different deal now, he can do it but isn't.

You can't make him feel anything for you, and as you've said, he's had plenty of chance. This isn't something that he can give you. He can be a good boyfriend, by the sounds of things. He will do things for you, listen to you, comfort you, have sex with you. All of those things, though, come with the caveat that he doesn't love you. Not that he can't, because that's trying to rationalise this like you were before - that he's not capable of it, and he is.

I think you've probably got a tough few days to readjust your mindset, and make sure you do it properly. Once you've accepted that it's a "doesn't" and not a "can't", you can decide if that's something that you can live with or not. It wouldn't be, for me. It would be integral that I was loved.

Can you get away for a few nights and go NC? I think your mind must be desperate to go back to before, when it was an inadequacy in him, and you're at high risk of both kidding yourselves and burying your heads in the sand. That won't stop the pain - it just delays it, and makes it worse when you do face it.

I am sorry. I know this must feel blunt and you won't want to believe it, but I do think it's worth considering. Don't build up a future of more pain for yourself.

Original poster

wantmorenow · 05/02/2016 18:37

Thank you. You're totally right. He's just not that into me to coin the phrase. On my own tonight but he's helping me move tomorrow, I really couldn't do it without his (and his son's) help. I did tell him this afternoon that I wanted out as I deserve more and that I am giving up my role of trying to understand him. If he wants me then he needs to fix this by talking properly. Tomorrow night I'm moving into his until my mortgage comes through. I have nowhere else to go with my dog. Younger kids staying with exH and eldest with her BF's family.

NC would be painful but good. Instead I'll be living with him and working with him too. The irony is huge. Doesn't rather than can't is so painful.

OP posts:

Original poster

wantmorenow · 05/02/2016 18:37

NC would be painful but good. Instead I'll be living with him and working with him too. The irony is huge. Doesn't rather than can't is so painful.

OP posts:

lolo14 · 05/02/2016 18:47

I actually think you have a good relationship (from what you've said) despite this lack of verbal emotion from him. He certainly shows you he cares, actions speak louder than words and all that. Nevertheless I'd feel like you, only you know if the relationship feels unbalanced emotionally.

Original poster

wantmorenow · 05/02/2016 18:53

I have an amazing relationship if I try and forget the fact he doesn't love me. Respectful, dependable, we laugh a lot and compliment each others personalities well. My brain hurts trying to fathom it out.

OP posts:

Yseulte · 05/02/2016 18:55

People snoop when they have a sixth sense that something's not right in the relationship.

Don't beat yourself up over it.

KacieB · 05/02/2016 19:50

I have an amazing relationship if I try and forget the fact he doesn't love me.

That just sounds so heartbreaking want. Really heartbreaking. It's so trite to say things like "you deserve better" ... But I think you do.

RedRainRocks · 05/02/2016 20:00

Do you need someone to express "love" using a four letter word? From the way you have described him I would say he demonstrates love, with his respect, openness, etc etc. Maybe you should look at the five languages of love (google it) It could simply be that he speaks his affection in a different way to you...

a rose by any other name.....

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/02/2016 20:09

RedRain, that's not true, though - it'd be the OP placating herself.

Want take it easy. It will hurt, it's a total change. Make sure you remember it, though, because the temptation will be to bury this and carry on. You can't do that. You can either carry on but don't fool yourself into thinking his feelings have changed, or you can end it because there's a big aspect missing. Don't ignore it, though. You do deserve better than that. You'll always be on an uneven keel, too - you're emotionally involved, and lovely as he sounds, he is not.

I hope the move goes well. You might find that it helps, or you might just need to fight through this and have a fresh start in your new home. There's always people here if you need support, though.

I know it's really tempting to let your mind revert to thinking that it's 'can't' - it's going to take some incredible mental strength not too - but lying to yourself really hurts down the line. You save up all that pain and more. Trust me, unfortunately I've been there.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/02/2016 20:13

I'm very sad for you, wantmorenow and, if it were my best friend posting as you did here, I would do everything I could not to build up her hope or try to gloss over or mis-analyse what you've been told by your partner.

I wonder when you say that 'it's broken' whether you're trying to persuade him into declarations of love for you. I hope not because I really don't think you will get what you want here. When somebody tells you they love you, it must be free and without catches otherwise what's the point? You know that and that's why you feel so unhappy.

Some couples 'settle'. There isn't the spark but there is mutual respect and admiration and, for the lucky ones, that is enough for them to make it work. You have such a disparity here over something that is so important to you that it's not going to happen for you in this relationship. What is a fact is that your boyfriend said it to somebody before, somebody whom it felt right to say it to so he did. He won't say it to you and even hearing your reasons for snooping have not made him discuss this with you because as far as he's concerned, he's been straight with you -and he has. You just don't want to hear it and you'd like, if possible, to rationalise it and hear other people do the same. I won't be one of them, it's an awful thing to do to someone, it's the much lauded 'gas lighting' and is just as harmful.

This week that you will be living together, enjoy it as a good friendship without expectation of something more because it's that expectation that will hurt you and continue to hurt you. If you can't do this then consider a cheap B&B for the week and take control of your own destiny, you don't need to be in his company to lick your wounds, however benevolent he is being regarding 'putting you up'. I think you know deep down what the situation is, it's really quite clear from your posts. I'm sorry.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/02/2016 20:14

Anchor has posted exactly what I mean, only better.

crispytruffle · 05/02/2016 20:16

I would ask him outright. Do you love me? Cut out all the bullshit in between a simple yes or no! It took my DH two years to say it to me and that was after I finally asked him!

RedRainRocks · 05/02/2016 20:23

AnchorDownDeepBreath. How do you know he doesn't feel it, but expresses differently to you/the OP? Just because he says he 'doesn't do love' he may actually mean he doesn't do the hallmark greetings card/Crappy Hugh Grant film type of love? I'm sorry but in my circles, love is a verb not a noun.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/02/2016 20:24

wantmorenow really isn't going to do that, crispytruffle, because she already knows the answer. Well she might, but I would think she'd rather have root canal treatment.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/02/2016 20:25

'love is a verb not a noun' is just a cliché and not a very kind one however kindly meant.

RedRainRocks · 05/02/2016 20:31

I shall leave the OP to all of the love gurus and depart. . I don't believe someone should throw away what she herself calls 'an amazing relationship' simply because he won't say the magic word.

Cliche? LyingWitch I could not disagree more but, I'm clearly in the wrong place tonight

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/02/2016 20:34

Red, that's what makes this board great. We can disagree. No drama. We all have our personal experiences and knowledge to base opinions on, no wonder they're not the same, and that's ok.

Goingtobeawesome · 05/02/2016 20:39

I think I'd find it extremely disheartening to be with someone who didn't love me and would never say it. It would get very wearing and lonely.

OwlCurrency · 05/02/2016 20:43

I have to agree that you shouldn't have looked through old messages. Either you find something you don't like or you have broken their trust for no reason.

You can't own a person's past. Looking at snippets of conversations with no idea what he was thinking at the time doesn't help you.

Just let that go. Look at who he is today. Does he make you happy? Can you accept his flaws?

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