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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband seems to hate me!

32 replies

LUCIA22 · 04/02/2016 19:20

My DH has gone off on one today, not for the first time. He is very suspicious & convinced I have been unfaithful. He doesn't trust me. I have never & would never be unfaithful and am disgusted by the idea that I would. I am not even a flirtatious person. It's been going on for ages & as a result I never go out at night & don't really have any friends. I have completely lost my confidence. My husband expresses other paranoid behaviour & is possibly ASD. This is what I think causes it. I still love him but hate him when he is accusing me, it feels so unfair. How do I get help or support for this? Have two DC & really don't want to break up.

OP posts:

Neverpolishghillies · 04/02/2016 19:26

Insist he seeks counselling, and offer to go with him.

mumsonthelash · 04/02/2016 19:30

How bloody tiresome for you. Makes me wonder what he's up to. Don't let him stop you having friends and going out. Does he go out? TBH I'd be suspicious of him. He sounds abusive or deranged.

Marchate · 04/02/2016 19:34

Sounds emotionally abusive, based on the information you have given

TheoriginalLEM · 04/02/2016 19:43

He is isolating you, its a form of control, not love.

goddessofsmallthings · 04/02/2016 19:55

I never go out at night & don't really have any friends. I have completely lost my confidence

Regardless of whether he's on the spectrum or not, your h is an abusive and controlling arse and an appalling role model for your dc.

Tell him that you might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and if he doesn't stop accusing you of having affairs you'll divorce him and take to having flings with om.

Counselling can only effect change if your h is willing to admit to being paranoid about what what you may getting up to he's not around because of his innate belief that women can't be trusted

If he continues in this vein you're going to become an even paler shadow of the woman you once were. Do you have any rl support from your family members?

mumsonthelash · 04/02/2016 20:00

He obviously has MH issues and this is draining you. It is his responsibility to own his delusions.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2016 20:07

He is abusive. You cannot help him by restricting your own life. You would be best advised to leave him.

Morasssassafras · 04/02/2016 21:01

He's abusive, and possibly having an affair himself. You should try and do The Freedom Programme.

Resilience16 · 04/02/2016 21:08

Hi Lucia, I am so sorry to hear you are in this horrible situation. It definitely sounds like emotional abuse and it will wear away at your self confidence. I know as I was in a similar situation.
If your partner doesn't acknowledge there is a problem then you have to choose whether to stay and be worn down or find the courage to leave. Try speaking to women's aid for some advice.
Good luck x

Original poster

LUCIA22 · 04/02/2016 21:50

Thanks for your replies. I expected people to advise me to leave. I have thought about it but I still love him and he is a good father. I really believe that he is suffering from some kind of mental health issue but the very nature of it means that he will not accept that he is. There is no reasoning with him. I would like to find someone with similar experience. I don't believe he is a abusive person intentionally, I think he truly believes that he is right. He tells me that he won't mind if I go out but can't cope with the potential accusations if I do, I can't enjoy it if I am constantly feeling guilty. He does go out. He is out now drinking because he is angry with me, thinking I did something wrong today. I really want to help him & hope we can one day live s happy life. When I met him he was the man if my dreams but stress & problems with his family etc have caused him this.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/02/2016 22:09

when people tell you he is abusive they are not saying "you should stay with him"

whatever gave you the idea the people on this thread were condoning you staying ?

Marchate · 04/02/2016 22:16

AF - I think the post is ambiguous. I read it as 'I expected people to advise me to leave...' ...and wasn't surprised, but I don't want to

I'm not suggesting you misread, only that it can read either way

CocktailQueen · 04/02/2016 22:17

So it's ok for him to go out drinking, but not you to go out?
You never go out
He doesn't trust you
You have no friends or confidence
You think he has mh issues or asd

Yet you think this is the best environment for your dc to be brought up in??
Why??

Why do you love him?
In what way is he a good father? He is being a terrible role model for your dc.

mum2mum99 · 04/02/2016 22:20

If he is abusive, it is not really a good idea t stay with him. Google effects of abusive relationships.

mumsonthelash · 04/02/2016 22:21

So he's out drinking because he thinks you did something wrong? OMG he is playing you for a fool. You are being manipulated. I know how hard it is to accept that some people actually do this for real.
Detach.

Marchate · 04/02/2016 22:22

Lucia - you will find many with similar experience. Some, like you, are sticking it out, believing their partner has MH problems. Others have found they were being reeled in by the (untrue) MH story to feel, as usual, that they were the uncaring one

Stand back, assess the facts. He is abusive, whether or not he has MH issues

mumsonthelash · 04/02/2016 22:23

More like he did something today and is twisting reality and can't face you.

Morasssassafras · 04/02/2016 22:24

Lucia, you can't fix him. Only he can fix him. He can only fix himself if he acknowledges he has a problem.

For what it's worth I don't think it matters if he is abusive intentionally or unintentionally as the end result is that you modify your behaviour to avoid setting him off. I didn't recommend you leave I said do the Freedom Programme and then you will be able to make any decisions from a knowledgeable place.

Bupbupbup · 04/02/2016 22:24

He tells you he doesn't mind you going out but makes it unbearable when you do - he's manipulative and controlling you, that's abusive.
He prob wanted to go and get drunk tonight, he engineered an argument so he could justify going out and being angry with you.
Don't waste energy trying to convince him - he either believes it anyway because he plays away and thinks everyone does or - doesn't really think you have affairs but accusing you is a good way to keep you in your place.
Seems like it's working, you stay home, have no friends and he can get to do what he wants.
You deserve friends, you're worth more

mumsonthelash · 04/02/2016 22:25

Is he cheating but needs to know where you are? Hence the control and paranoia? And not letting you go out?

InvoluntaryCelibacy · 04/02/2016 22:29

Ask your doctor to put you in touch with a counsellor (or do it yourself but it might take longer). They are professionally trained and therefore better able to advise you on the right path

wallywobbles · 04/02/2016 22:32

My ex did this. Turns out it was him having the affair and judging me by his standards.

Original poster

LUCIA22 · 05/02/2016 03:43

I have tried turning it back on him that it's him having the affair but I really don't think he is. I think it's paranoia & insecurity. He generally pushes most people away with his behaviour which he blames on having a disfunctional family. He believes most marriages fail & I think it's his way of proving he's right.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 05/02/2016 08:37

I think he needs to look in the mirror. I bet he's judging you by his standards. He needs counselling

hellsbellsmelons · 05/02/2016 09:07

Projection or MH issues aside.
This is abusive behaviour.
Start going out again and stop feeling guilty about it.
What on earth do you have to feel guilty about?
You've done nothing wrong.
Contact Womens Aid and get some perspective on what this truly is.
And as a PP has said sign up to do their Freedom Programme.
It'll be a real eye opener for you.

You are not teaching your DD good life lessons here.
You are showing her that if your DH is manipulative and abusive that you lose your independence and don't have your own life.
Do you want that for your DD?
If your DD was with someone like your DH what you advise her?
I'd bet you'd tell her to get the fuck away from the abusive prick and help her in any way possible to do just that!

Really think about this.
Do you want this for the next 20+ years of your life?
Fuck that for a game soldiers!

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