Husband seems to hate me!

[LUCIA22]

My DH has gone off on one today, not for the first time. He is very suspicious & convinced I have been unfaithful. He doesn't trust me. I have never & would never be unfaithful and am disgusted by the idea that I would. I am not even a flirtatious person. It's been going on for ages & as a result I never go out at night & don't really have any friends. I have completely lost my confidence. My husband expresses other paranoid behaviour & is possibly ASD. This is what I think causes it. I still love him but hate him when he is accusing me, it feels so unfair. How do I get help or support for this? Have two DC & really don't want to break up.

If you're never out, when does he think you are having all of this secret sex with someone else?

IMO, people who accuse their Partners of cheating, are usually cheating themselves.

Check his phone and e-mail asap.

Have you told him how insulting his accusations are? How he is displaying a lack of respect for you as an autonomous person? If you tolerate this, it will continue, I'm afraid, as it has already done.

I think counselling could really help but how do you get someone into counselling when they don't accept they have a problem. I was hoping that if I could get him to seek help for ASD then a need for counselling might be identified then but even getting him to do that is a struggle. Our DS is going through the process of being assessed for ASD now and DH is concerned about labelling him. He feels that for him ASD has had some advantages and therefore he doesn't really need any help. I would agree that there are some advantages but think I bear the brunt of the disadvantages!

Counselling for you would help I think. You need the space to get clarity about your situation. And to adjust to the idea that you are in an abusive relationship.

You are currently in 'rescuing injured animal' phase... as if you can make him better. The idea being that if you can make him better, then you can make life better for you as well, and the dcs. This is a huge misconception. I know, as I spent years thinking my H was either had depression/ASD/paranoid/anger problems that just needed help i.e. needed me to rescue him and find him help. All the time he was treating me with hatred - which predictably, meant that my confidence, self-esteem, resilience, happiness etc were dreadfully damaged.

Problem is, he is abusing you. He's attacking you, accusing you, isolating you from friends and social life. He punishes you for perceived mistakes. This man - for whatever reason which you cannot change - is treating you with cruelty and you are suffering as a result. He has to stop.

Ask yourself if there is anything that justifies his abusive behaviour? The correct answer is NO. Nothing justifies his appalling behaviour towards you. He needs to know that his abuse is totally unacceptable. Do you think he will stop?

Definitely get counselling. You need help to see that you do not deserve to be treated like this. You are the one who needs support. This is not selfish, do it for yourself and your children's happiness.

p.s. he is now an XH.

If you're determined to stay, you have to stop giving in and letting him control you. Go out, see friends etc and don't let his strops stop you. Stop letting his unreasonable reactions affect you. He needs to sit with his feelings and deal with them himself, not make them your responsibility. Only he can make his behaviour change and while he's putting it on you, he never will. Standing up to him consistently and continually is your best hope, if he's not violent. Getting out of the relationship sounds better to me, but you don't sound prepared to consider that.

Thankyou to everyone for taking the time to reply to me. It has definitely given me something to think about. I am going to speak to my doctor and see if I can get some counselling for myself. Then we will see where we go from there.

Lucia, what happened? I am in a bad marriage similar to what you describe. Thank you.