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Original poster

Is this an affair?

61 replies

mutteringminnie · 04/02/2016 09:53

Been with DH for over 20 years and he's lovely, kind and I wouldn't suspect him of any wrong behaviour... until before xmas. I found a string of emails to a women half his age in another office. There's no smoking gun, no explicitly sexual stuff. But there is a volume of cosy chat about likes, dislikes, future plans, the children.... there's also a poem written for her, flirty talk of meeting in the spare office, some evasive talk about the after party at the office do....

So I confronted him. He admitted it was all looking a bit wrong but claimed it was never an affair and he was just bored at work and needed company and enjoyed the attention of an attractive young lady. Told him he looked like a sad old man chasing a young girl and to stop it. He didn't go to the office party.

So far so good. But he was away overnight this week in her town so I had to check again. Again, no smoking gun, but still loads of to and fro, gutted they're missing each other at the office party, alerting he'll be there this week, more chat about favourite films etc. And a flirty suggestion about hiring a car and going off together for the weekend.

What the heck? Is this just platonic, as he claims? Am I unwilling to admit he's pulling the wool over my eyes? And what should I do next??? It's too hard/sensitive to talk to family and friends about but I need advice.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 04/02/2016 11:10

Why is it HIS decision?
You confronted before and he said he would stop. He hasn't.
This is now up to you.
Do NOT give him control of the situation.
Take the bull by the horns and tell him what YOU want!

IrianofWay · 04/02/2016 11:18

"Take the bull by the horns and tell him what YOU want!"

yep!

chunkymum1 · 04/02/2016 11:53

OP. I think you need a serious and honest chat with DH asap. It sounds like there is nothing physical (yet) and DH may well have convinced himself that it's just a harmless friendship (especially if his 'friend' tells him that's all it is).

To my mind the problem here is the secrecy as others have said- after all if this was just the same as any other work friend wouldn't he be telling you about her and maybe even inviting the friend round for drinks etc.

I can see that DH may take the line that he's done nothing wrong, since there's no physical affair- maybe you could get him to look at the MN feeds on emotional affairs (no need to show him this one- there are lots) to see the damage he's doing and where it might end.

Hope he gets over this and sees what's important (ie you)

WhatTheActualFugg · 04/02/2016 11:58

Lets not forget that the OP and her H have actually have a real marriage, in RL of 20+ years.

What's happened isn't nice. But it doesn't necessarily have to mean the end of the marriage. And I don't mean OP has to be a door mat. But that life isn't always black and white. Life is long. Mistakes happen. Surely how he behaves next is what's really important.

This is recoverable, OP. If your H wants to recover your marriage, you can.

Demanding and yelling is not the way forward here. Frightening or shaming her H in to submission won't fix things.

Let him see your pain OP, lay the facts bare on the table. And see how he reacts. Give him the chance to be sorry and to willingly fix it. He needs to leave his job. Immediately. If he needs co-ercing in to taking serious measures, he's not sorry enough.

stitch10yearson · 04/02/2016 12:00

an emotional affair is much much worse than a physical one.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/02/2016 12:02

What I think the only person who has forgotten about a 20 year marraige os the OP's DH

"Surely how he behaves next is what's really important."

No. He has been caught once. How he behaved after that was important. He was sorry and willing to fix it last time - and then blithely carried on

WhatTheActualFugg · 04/02/2016 12:14

Yes, maybe.

ImperialBlether · 04/02/2016 12:16

People can't just leave their job! He's in his 40s or 50s if they've been together that long - you can't just leave a job at that age and expect to walk into another.

WhatTheActualFugg · 04/02/2016 12:28

Yes you can just leave you're job. If it means your marriage is screwed otherwise.

No, he might not walk in to another one.

BlondeOnATreadmill · 04/02/2016 12:37

You might be able to stop this going any further.

But, here's the thing, you can't un-do what's already been done. He has already invested some of his emotions in another woman. He has shown you, that he is not entirely satisfied in the marriage.

After 20 years, he is being an absolute twat to you.

Personally, I would tell him to fuck right off.

When he is away, in this other town with OW, I would send this text:

"I've had an uneasy feeling lately. After what I found before, I had a look at your e-mails. I've seen all of the communication between you and OW. About how you're going to hire a car and go off together for the weekend. I am gutted. 20 years of marriage, and this is how it ends. Please do not come home. You need to make arrangements to stay elsewhere. I am visiting a solicitor this week and will get a separation agreement drawn up, for you to look over. I've told the children/our parents. I have boxed up all of your clothes. You can collect these when you get back, but I will need notice, you can't just turn up (I need to let you in, as the locks have been changed)"

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/02/2016 12:43

Maybe it's all talk. Perhaps each tests the water to see who backs off first. Perhaps the ongoing flirtation puts a spring in his step. That was plausible before you confronted him last time. You made it clear you weren't happy so he can't pretend you were cool about this kind of thing.

Adults click with each other all the time but those in committed relationships draw a line.

I see that you describe him as having been lovely and kind and if we knew him we'd be shocked. For this woman I shouldn't be surprised if he re-invents himself. This colleague knows he is married. Something gave her encouragement to indulge him. What line does he spin her?

Original poster
mutteringminnie · 04/02/2016 13:10

ok - he is still in a state of infatuation / escapism with a pretty girl.

You're right, What, 20+ years is hard to throw away - he's clearly not getting all he needs here so I have to give him the opportunity to tell me what's going on in his head, hear him out. But then it's time for action, one way or the other.

The kids are so young, though (we had them late). Breaking up is not an option I'd like to take without trying to work around this. Good advice, thanks.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 04/02/2016 13:17

Doesn't matter if you have been married a year or 20, this is so out of order, he has some nerve, especially after being caught - OP, you really need to tell him straight, he's completely treating you with utter disrespect.

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 04/02/2016 13:33

The lines crossed, the car hire is him showing you the path in front of you. I agree with blondeonatredmill, you don't trust him now and to be honest love you never will again. That's a promise. Hugs for your Flowers family. Biscuit for his lack of balls.

Offred · 04/02/2016 15:13

Whether it is an affair or not in anyone's mind is not the relevant question IMO (though it clearly seems like an EA).

The relevant question is do you feel betrayed?

I think you do because I think what he has done is betray you and then choose to carry on betraying you.

It's up to you whether you continue in the marriage or not but it's less in your control whether the marriage is a happy one if you do.

That would depend on him not disrespecting and betraying you, on him being sorry for what he has done and on you being able to move on. Things that are not able to be willed into happening IMO.

Cabrinha · 04/02/2016 15:39

You need to stop minimising this. Because he'll minimise enough for two.

You say there was no smoking gun either time, but first time they flirted about going to a room, second time they flirted about going away together for the weekend! I see your smoking gun right there!

He may not have kissed / fucked her YET... but he will. He's already failed to be scared off once.

I would confront him, and I'd put the onus on him to prove that he didn't spend the night with her when he was in her town. He won't be able to prove it. So let him have a turn at thinking about "evidence". That said, if he travelled for work to her office, it's probably all claimed on expenses? Tell him you want to see the hotel / dinner receipt he put in. It can't prove his innocence... but it will sure as hell prove his guilt if he has more on those receipts than a man on his own would have.

If you were otherwise happy in your marriage then OK, your decision to give him a THIRD chance. But an absolute bottom line is that he has to go to counselling with you to talk about how he's betrayed you, how he can help you build trust in him again, and how he can stop himself. The other basic of course is cutting contact with his little girlfriend. You're right - he's an embarrassing cliché as well as being a sad excuse for a husband.

I'm sorry for you Flowers

Jan45 · 04/02/2016 16:05

there's also a poem written for her

Hardly the actions of a platonic relationship - OP, he will keep minimising this but I think you need to face facts here, even though it must be horrible.

He was bored and looking for company at work - yeah right.

Cabrinha · 04/02/2016 16:13

Is it actually possible to write platonic poems about a woman you flirt with?

Helmetbymidnight · 04/02/2016 16:23

So you warned him off once and in return he's gone after her some more?

Wow. What a disrespectful shit.

Iwonderif · 04/02/2016 16:27

Confront him. Won't be pleasant. The trust is crumbling away. So very sorry. He's making a fool of you. It's all very cliche and he's falling for it hook line and sinker. Other woman needs a kick up the arse too. Flowers for you OP. I hope in RL that you have some supportive friends and loved ones around.

Helmetbymidnight · 04/02/2016 16:44

At present, he has no motivation to stop...

TheNaze73 · 04/02/2016 18:16

He's obviously missing something from your relationship & rather than doing the right thing by addressing it with you, he's cheating on you emotionally with someone else. There'll be reasons why but, what he's doing is so wrong

OzzieFem · 04/02/2016 18:18

Is he in a position of authority at work? It takes two to tango and the woman might see him as a stepping stone in her career. After all she is the one suggesting they hire a car and go away for a weekend. Some women are very good at manipulating/flattering men to get what they want.

Maybe a reality check, instead of accusing him of anything, wait until you have a quiet moment with no kids around, then just ask him straight out if he wants a divorce? If he responds with shock, just tell him you feel that he is unhappy with your marriage and you just want clarification.

You do, don't you? Or would you prefer to go the route of accusations, doubt, distrust, dislike etc., which your children will eventually pick up on and destroy your marriage anyway. Flowers

Helmetbymidnight · 04/02/2016 18:23

He's not 'obviously missing something - unless you think all cheats are in unhappy relationships?

Looks to me like he's having a great time- nice comfortable relationship with easy-going loving partner and exciting poetic frisson with woman at work.

Borninthe60s · 04/02/2016 18:26

Yes it's an affair IMO