Good morning Mumsnet! I really am at a bit of a loss with a situation at the moment that seems to have escalated an I'm not completely sure why; and really need some neutral advice on the matter, in particular a female perspective on things (apologies for making the assumption that Mumsnet is female dominated, but I suspect I probably am right).
I'm not really sure what I am upset about so I will just explain the situation and then let you guys chip your two pennies in. By no means am I saying I am right, but I will be honest about how I feel... And if how I feel is unreasonable will take that on board.
OK. Apologies for what may be a long waffle:
I am in my mid to late 20s and my girlfriend of 11 months is of similar age to myself. We actually have a great relationship (perfect) except for the last few weeks with the following issue. We current use condoms as our sole means of protection. Since we first started having sex regularly with each other she (never prompted by myself) has always (well, every month or so she drops it in conversation lol) been saying words to the effect of "Thanks for being so good about this. I know it's not normal for couples to be relying on condoms so I'll go on the pill or get the coil soon, I just haven't for this month for x, y, z reason". Fair enough...
Condoms for me are a bit of a pain, literally. Many years back I snapped my "banjo" (apologies, the actual term escapes me...), with hindsight this was probably because I was using condoms too small for me which was putting unnecessary pressure on that small strip of skin, which eventually snapped while having sex with my ex partner. After around a month of healing I could have sex again, but with a condom on the problem now was worse as essentially they no longer sit on properly. Regular size condoms essentially slide back off the end of me, probably not helped by the fact that there is now more "play" in the normal skin on my penis, meaning that every 10 to 15 seconds I have to stop and sort it out (inconvenient) and the large condoms fit better but put strain on where the banjo used to be causing pain all the way through sex. I was told by doctors to basically give it a rest for a month as I was agrivating the scar tissue, and see how things went. After 10 weeks or so the symptoms dimished again to the point we could have sex again (we did it 3 times in 10 weeks, at 20 years old!). The scar tissue is quite severe as I tore it 3 times, so another tear and it's going to be even worse to heal. At the time this was what prompted my ex-gf to get a coil as it was having a massive detrimental on my and desire to have sex and thus my confidence, which tbh is what a lot of girls find attractive in me. Without a condom there is virtually no issue of pain for me.
Eventually things didnt work out with us. And during the last 3 years of being single I have either been seeing somebody who most of the time has been on contraception herself (obviously waiting a couple of months when we have agreed we are not seeing any other people) or for more casual encounters have used a condom. As tbh one time every few weeks or so is pain i can deal with but as it is something that gets progressively worse with time. And I am getting to the point where she is noticing that I'm not quite as all over her and not quite enjoying things as much as I used too. Tbh it is a little embarassing at hasnt been a massive deal so I have dealt with it (probably should have mentioned it sooner, but didn't want to for fear of her thinking I was putting pressure on her); and as the condom "issue" was always only a few weeks away from getting round to sorting it I didn't see it escalating to this level.
Recently, I found (by accident) a positive pregnancy test. I know we have been as sensible as we could be, and that it is definitely mine (she couldn't cheat, don't ask how I know but I know lol). When I challenged her on it I was met with "there's nothing to discuss, I don't want to talk about it", when pressed that I wanted to know the situation, I was told "well I was pregnant, now I'm not. End of discussion". I know it's her body, her choice, but I would at least have liked to know what happened to what was essentially 50% mine, aborted, lost naturally? I know it at most could have only been 4 weeks but still, it has hurt me that I wasn't even informed and found out by accident... Am I right on this one or not? Either way I'm hurt and still don't know!
Last week, with the fact that condoms had recently failed, I casually asked when she planned to go on contraception like she has been mentioning; and was met with essentially "I can't go on the pill because I have been on it before and it plays with my hormones, and I can't go on IUD because I have a phobia of that and there is a chance that it could make me infertile". Fair enough, it wasn't the time to have that chat. A few days later I asked if we could have a proper sit down chat about contraception and our current situation. Nothing resolved. Next day I press again that I really want to talk about it, explaining that I understand that it is grossly unfair that she may have to go through something that could mess with her, or something that she is scared of, and that I can't force her but we really need to have a chat about things. As the only thing I can do I am doing and have done, but that has failed and there is something else I want to tell you as you should know (the pain issue, probably worth mentioning at this time that after a drink in the heat of the moment she also doesn't want me to pull out to put protection on, to the point she stops me with her legs. So since then I stop drinking so at least I'm in control later in the night as if I make a bad decision it will be 100% my fault, whether she asked me too or not and I will have to pick up the pieces for the next month).
I realise that it is grossly unfair, and I cannot force her to do anything (except talk to me so we both understand the others issues) but short of never fathering children or never having sex, which again she will interpret as an ultimatum as such, I as a man am out of options. She suggests that I just pull out everytime, something that to be honest sounds easy and I guess physically it is, but in the heat of the moment every instinct of mine is saying not too, then when I do again it just ends up ruining it for me. She says that if I bring it up again she is leaving me on the spot, that if I talk about it to anybody she will do the same, that it is NOT an issue and if I even think it is an issue that we need to break up. However I think I have a right to sit down with her like grown ups and discuss how we both feel about this situation. When asked if she would EVER change her mind, I was told point blank "no. we do not discuss this again for the rest of our lives". At this age I cannot say that I am overly thilled to say that from this day forward I will have to have sex that is painful to the point where I just don't want too. Equally, she can say that she is unwilling to take something that can effect her. A position I fully understand and respect. But on the flipside, it is my body and my choice also, if I feel I cannot physically bring myself to have sex she will also have to respect that, but I can say with the utmost certainty she will make an issue of it as she will feel I am delivering an ultimatum along the lines of "no pill, no sex"; which again isn't my intention.
I feel my main problem I feel is that she is controlling me into what I can even think and feel let alone do by refusing to discuss the issue with anybody, not just her (I am already the one taking all the precautions, ensuring that I remain sober so I don't make a mistake, despite her often requesting I do. Also I feel this is something that couples do discuss as adults. If she can completely ignore an issue and shout at me and throw a panic attack until I back down completely over this, what else in the future may she do that for? I feel literally my only option right now is accepting that I will never physically be able to enjoy sex without my girlfriend having to go through an equally if not more so unpleasant situation, or leave. I guess it is also just unfortunate that her body doesn't agree with contraception (despite being on it between 17 and 23) and mine doesn't tolerate condoms well.
Do you feel I have a right to at least put my reasons forward and warn her of the possible future implications for me. Am I right for at least requesting we sit down as grown ups and talk about it? And I would also be interested to hear your views on the pregnancy situation.
Fwiw I know this is a sensitive issue, and that men often are the bad guys in this, and that the contraception situation is unfair. Just in this instance I genuinely find using condoms regularly something from a severe annoyance through to pain so severe I cannot bring myself to do it. I fully expected the drawbridge to come up at first followed by a chat on calmer less emotionally charged terms. However, she would prefer to pretend or force me to pretend that it is not an issue.
I've confused myself and apologies for the long post, but please, I'd love some neutral opinions on this.
Thanks
Steve